The Date

[DogOfHavoc]

The sun was just rising as the battered pickup truck struggled down the dirt road. Dust clung like a parasite to the sides of the truck, and mud coated the wheels. In the driver's seat sat a squat old man. A scraggly beard patched across his chin gave him a haggard look. His hands gripped the steering wheel with an intensity surprising in one so old. Squirming around in the passenger seat was a man of about twenty five years, neatly dressed. His hair was tediously groomed, and his mustache neatly trimmed. With oen hand he stroked his mustache, the other was unconsciously tapping the dashboard.

"Relax boy, we will be at the restaurant soon" the old man growled.
"I know, I'm just anxious, I've been out of the game for awhile now." the young man jittered.
"Well it's about time to come out of that shell. You haven't made a decent dollar in years, or made your life worth living for, for that matter. This will help get you back on track." the old man replied.
"But...but I don't even know this woman, I have never even seen her before." the young man rattled.
"It will be fine. You will be comfortable with the situation as soon as you get there." the old man informed.
"But, what if she's beautiful" the young man questioned, his voice racked with pain.
"Well that will make it even more pleasant. Now won't it? To see a pretty face after all this time." the old man snickered.

With this the truck rumbled into the parking lot of the River Veranda, a very expensive restaurant overlooking the bay. The sun was still rising, and as such it was hidden by the large restaurant building. Without a word the young man climbed down from the truck and entered the restaurant.
"I'm looking for Bethany Richwood" he addressed the hostess. With a smile, the hostess informed him she was waiting for him, and pointed to a private table. The table was in an enclosed compartment. The young man greeted Bethany, who was happy to see him, and took a seat.
"This is my first blind date" she told the young man. He replied that he hadn't done something like this in a long time. With that, he drew a silenced Colt from his jacket and shot her twice in the chest. Blood spattered across his face, and he quickly wiped it off with a napkin. Peeking out of the compartment, he left and hastened out of the restaurant. The old man was waiting with the truck in the parking lot. The young man climbed into the truck and sped off.
"That was easier than I remember" the young man told the old one.
"I told you it would be, the client will be very happy" he said handing over a large sum of money. With that, the two hitmen set off towards their next target.

The text looks like a block, indents didn't show up, sorry.

 

[Fatmankev]

That's what's up.
Some of the sentences seemed a mite bit choppy, but not so bad that it interrupted the flow of the story, and it was mostly only in the first paragraph.
I certainly was not expecting him to shoot her, and was happy when I went back and read it again and found that there was nothing about him actually dating her.
So yeah. Way to go. Favorite story I've read on this site in longer than I can remember.

I'll give you some +rep after I spread it around a lil'.

 

[Seb!]

I don't think you developed it enough for (the reader) to have enough compassion/care for any of the characters. I didn't like it because I really didn't care that he killed her; his emotional journey wasn't even addressed. A few more pages of detail and thought process would improve this idea.

 

[Ninva]

Hm, the imagery of the old man's intenseness really leaves me in a loop. I'm not sure how intense he may be. He could be staring off into the road with a very anxious intensity, nervous (which you seem to point out in the dialog that he was nervous like the man), or he could have that "game face" look. But I'd think a man as experienced as he is, he'd be more relaxed. I guess that's pretty cool when you think about it. Good job.
My favorite part in this story was when the young man wiped the blood away from his victim's mouth after a graceful murder. There was no reply to her remark; the guy just shot her and fled.
You did an awesome job with this story. The grammar could always use some more work, but it's hardly noticeable. All the actions and dialog seemed to reinstate everything in the narration. I love that, thank you for writing this.

 

[Knight7770]

I don't really like it. There doesn't seem to be a point to her being killed. I mean, obviously, someone wanted her killed. But it's never said who wanted her killed and why. It would be a great section of a larger story, but just as it is, I don't like it.

 

[DogOfHavoc]

A few people have commented on the lack of character development,in the woman especially. I would like to relay that she is there as a plot vehicle rather than a real character. She is there to provide the climax to the young man's internal struggle over returning to a life of murder.

 

[Halahan]

"I don't think you developed it enough for (the reader) to have enough compassion/care for any of the characters. I didn't like it because I really didn't care that he killed her; his emotional journey wasn't even addressed. A few more pages of detail and thought process would improve this idea." -Seb

I don't think you really need to develop the compassion for the characters at this stage. Your hooking the reading into wanting the read more, you can't care for the character that much even after a page or two, so don't try just yet. Your just trying to hook the reader right now. I do agree that you should put a bit of his emotional journey in there though. And I would take out that last part ""I told you it would be, the client will be very happy" he said handing over a large sum of money. With that, the two hitmen set off towards their next target."
just because now you know there hitman. so you finish and you go oh... ok, well there hitmen, pretty much know how this story is going to go...

oh, and your grammar needs some work. when you talk you go:

"I just wish I didn't have to go," said Bart.
"I understand." - theres no 'said bart' at the end, thats the end of the sentence, so you put a period.