The First page of my book!

C-Death

I love you
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45
This is the first page of my book that i will have published soon!


It was a hot spring day. The People of Sur’Duvan were not simple people, they were users of magic. Some light wizards, some dark warlocks. Though some used light magic and some used dark, there never really was a war between anyone. The village was a simple village with dirt roads through it in every direction. The Houses were made of wood, some painted in different colors, and the wizards used their magic to make the wood different colors.
In a remote area in the Dur’vanu also known as “Death’s Hollow” a girl named Polria awoke from her favorite spot. She was lying down in a tree; she was out trying to kill an orc that happened to walk by. So far she had gotten three, they were all carrying important messages for the king orc. The Kingdom of the orc’s is located in Gu’Ou. The shadowed keep of the king was that of a thousand terrors. The King was cruel, often executing people for nothing. But the king was in dire need of help.
The Reason the king sent his scouts out to send messages through out the land’s so that some may answer his call for aid. The orc’s were at war with the goblins, the goblins were just as cruel and vile as the orc’s accept the orc’s were out numbered a thousand to one. “It’s amazing, the orc’s are always against the world of man, until their in dire need, and then they come crawling to us” Polria thought to her self. Polria was about seventeen.
Polria is an elf, she is about five foot six, and she has blonde hair. Her face has several scars and burns from battle, in her village, in the rare occasion they were at war with anyone, everyone period was called to fight. If they refused they would be exiled and sent to the Rivn’Nok or “The Place of death”. It was so called because there was very little food, even less water, and hundreds of spirits.
These Spirits were no normal Spirits; these are the spirits of those who have died in this terrible place. They are very hostile spirits; they will kill any thing on site. She recalled an old saying that her mother always told her “To any who dare to tread in that terrible place, I truly pity them, for that will be a horrible death.”
Unfortunately, she had indeed been sent to tread in such a terrible place, for refusing to fight her very own brother. The Reason she is hunting orc’s is because they often have gold on them and there are a few shops along the way to the accursed place. The places sell food and water, also weapons so that anyone can survive.
Polria set off for the accursed realm, around her was dead tree’s as far as the eye could see. The path ahead was dark, filled with shadows of things that aren’t there. The Canyon she now walked in had the creepy howl of the wind, and the feel of the hollow air surrounded her, this was truly the place for no one. But she had one choice, to walk it to the end, for if anyone took the spear of the head ghost back to her village, they would be un exiled. The hollow Canyon felt like something that cannot be described, it has the silent sound, like the calm before a vast Hurricane.
She would give almost anything to be able to go back to her village, but she knew she couldn’t. It was not the spirits in this dammed place that frightened her, it was the memories.
 

Tonks

New Member
Reaction score
160
Several grammatical mistakes.
It's a little bit cliche, and the names shouldn't all be extraordinarily hard to pronounce, and why do they all have apostrophies in them?

I guess it's kind of generic, but it's not really my kind of book.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Reaction score
52
Didn't seem tooo original, still good. More then several gramatic mistakes, and you repeated a lot, which takes a way a lot of suspense and hook-e-ness.

It seems too like your writing in a more essay-form way, which detracts from the novel, such as this sentence.

"These Spirits were no normal Spirits; these are the spirits of those who have died in this terrible place. They are very hostile spirits; they will kill any thing on site."

Still good though.
So its being published your going to publish it?]
and whats the title?
 

Curuinor

New Member
Reaction score
7
You add the most insignificant details(magically colored wood), that detract from your story mightily. To expand that colored wood example, why would a simple people, content with simple dirt roads and peace contain inhabitants so gaudy, when real-life history tells us differently of the frippery-minded?
 

sqrage

Mega Super Ultra Cool Member
Reaction score
515
there never really was a war between anyone.
fragment
The village was a simple village with dirt roads through it in every direction.
fragmento

And well, I finished reading the first paragraph and it is very generic, like a list of events instead of a story.
Critism, yes.
Constructive, yes.
But it will help you! ;D
 

Curuinor

New Member
Reaction score
7
Subject: The village
Predicate: was

Not fragmento.

On the below post I can certainly sympathize with, however.
 

XXXconanXXX

Cocktails anyone?
Reaction score
284
It feels way too generic. Fantasy is such a touchy genre, because it's hard to fall from cliche's.

Everything just seems borrowed from either Warcraft or other countless fantasy novels out there. Also, fantasy names don't always have to be completely unpronounceable in the English language.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it could use a good amount of work.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Reaction score
52
Make your writing style more foreboding, hooking, such...
And don't repeat. You said,
"She was lying down in a tree; she was out trying to kill an orc that happened to walk by.
ALso, that doens't really make sense. Was she lying down in a tree, resting because she had just killed an orc, or was she resting, waiting for an orc. and she was lying... down.. IN a tree...?

read the writing tips at the top of the list of threads. Should help some.

And like what you said Sqrage, it seems more just listing what happened instead of telling the story. (This just example, not from your story) First he got on a boat and went to China, then he got off. Then he walked to the nearest city... You know what I or Sqrage mean?
 

C-Death

I love you
Reaction score
45
Thx for your feed back!
 

death_knight

Dark is the heart of a corrupted man.
Reaction score
24
Many Grammar mistakes which can bee identified by word most of the time; so proofread and check in word.

Orcs have Warchiefs, not Kings, so it would be wise to change that.

the sentences didn't flow; eg first you're talking about simple people using light and dark magic, next you're talking about dirt roads and wooden houses. if i were you, i would separate these 2 ideas and elaborate on them in 2 different paragraphs or 2 groups of paragraphs if you need more than one for one idea.

I've never know someone, in a book or movie or in real life that has a tree as their favourate sleeping spot.

Listen, i could go on for a while, but you may want to rewrite the story while keeping the ideas you posted in this first part.
 

Syndrome

You can change this now in User CP.
Reaction score
126
"I've never know someone, in a book or movie or in real life that has a tree as their favourate sleeping spot."

LOL i actually sleep on my tree in my backyard sometimes during the summer, i made some kind of holster for me :D

anyways back on Topic:

This story has potential XD
So, dark + light wizards vs Goblins-of-mass-destruction? Im in. :p

There are several.. sentences that can be combined! They can be also be... more... descriptive or you can add more imagery!
Let's see here... oh! here's one...
"The King was cruel, often executing people for nothing. But the king was in dire need of help. "

You can do this:

"The bloodthirsty King was mercilessly cruel, often sadistically executing innocent people who happened to be in his way, however, he was in dire need of help."

See? w00t! this portrays more about his brutality.

and, there are some things you can do to... capture and immerse you're readers.

You can do this by...

a] Add imagery! I've said this a ton of times to some other great stories posted here. If you want people to know what is going on, you can add some description to it.
Here's another example... [looks around story] YOINK!

"She was lying down in a tree; she was out trying to kill an orc that happened to walk by. " Can be written like this

She was sitting serenely atop a tree, peering down into the lush green forest beneath her. The darkness that the forest created made it hard to make out the ruthless orc she was trying to kill, however, she was satisfied, as she had already killed three of the brutes.

b] Eliminate unnecessary portions. I've seen some things that were completely irrelevant to the story, these things actually detract from the story and make it not as interesting. Right, heres one...

"the wizards used their magic to make the wood different colors"
This has nothing to do with the story, but if you want to show an example about how the wizards/warlocks of darkness and light use their magic you can do something like this:

"The dark sky above the village was illuminated with arcane glowing runes that hovered about. Though the wizards wielding the powers of Light were not so keen on using magic with no purpose, they thought that it was safer for everyone if you can see where you are going."

or something like that.

Lastly, when people say "ZOMG! I SAW THIS SOMEWHERE!" don't let that get to you.
I was writing my story when someone pointed out this was like Bleach, i reread my first chapter and saw some resemblance, but the entire storyline was completely different.

Hope you have fun writing! Welcome to t3h wr1t3rs c0rn3r.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Reaction score
240
I'm too drunk to find anything positive about this story, so I won't say anything bad about it, either.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day, motha fuckers.
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Reaction score
506
lmao fatmankev nice speech (o_O).

Anyways, interesting story but not exactly my type.. well it kinda is but... anyways. Yeah, there were some gramatical errors that needed fixing but besides that, it's pretty cool.

Also, I find that a lot of it is repeating words such as "The village was a simple village." That one is ok since it's like a prompt statement about the village but just an example.

More?
 

Battlemapsta

I am the Conduit of Change
Reaction score
101
It's ok. I don't wish to repeat the mistakes people have already stated so I'll give my personal suggestion.

Use explicit and unique varieties of imagery. Let me give you an example.

The Houses were made of wood, some painted in different colors, and the wizards used their magic to make the wood different colors

You can change this sentence to this for example.

The Houses were constructed of wood; painted in diverse colors. These individual wizards used their arcane to transmute the wood remitting many contrastive colors.

The example is a simplistic edit. Firstly seperating the run-on sentence. The sentence in its previous entirety made the story sound dull and confusing. I also incorperated some bigger words to give the sentence a bigger pull (As I call it). It gives the sentence more attention.

Apparently though and take this into consideration. Some people hate big words so try limiting the variety of your words. This; however, does not include the procedure of repeating words like you did in this story which everyone has already stated. It also makes the story sound dull and uninteresting.

Overall story's nothing too special but it needs a lot of work for improvement.
 

Varine

And as the moon rises, we shall prepare for war
Reaction score
803
Some grammar issues, missing commas and wrong punctuation in places. Not going to talk about the story aspect because people like different genres. You spelled damned wrong, and I would have used a normal colon when talking about the spirits. And you changed tenses several times. You went from past to present, then back to past. Since it's a third-person book, you should try and keep it in past tense. Oh, and you capitalized a lot of things that shouldn't be.
None if it's really that big of deal as it will probably go through an editor if you get it published.

Personally I didn't like the syntax or diction too much. I would go over that; honestly, I would put it at maybe a fourth grade reading level based off that allotment. And I really didn't find the start of it that captivating. You gave a lot of information all at once about the setting of your story, so there's not a lot that's really driving me to want to know more. I think you should spread the information out over the first few chapters rather than just put all of it out there at once, it really disrupted the flow of the story. Acknowledge it when it fits what's going on, not because you have to. Like the second paragraph, don't bring any of that up until it's relavent for the reader to know.

I think it could have a lot of potential, but you need to work on the presentation of it.
 
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