The Four Gods

esb

Because none of us are as cruel as all of us.
A bit confusing, but it sounds to me like a person is in the hospital, dying, while doctors (gods) are trying to save him, but eventually he lost hope(worship and prayers) and he died.
 

esb

Because none of us are as cruel as all of us.
No, I read everything, was pretty confusing to me...

He's in what appears to be a room with demons and walls. Gods come through the walls, one is white, the other is black and lower. He is racist against the black god and so the black god is mad at him. The narrator is scared and starts worshipping and praying. Now he has a pain in his stomach and he stops praying to the gods, even though he has the pain. Eventually he dies...

Something I missed?
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Well, it's about a mad man. He's is taken from his home and put into a cell where he dies from his own insanity. It's just told from that man's perspective.
 

esb

Because none of us are as cruel as all of us.
OOOHH :p

I got the part that everything was different because it was going through the person's own mind. But the gods and demons were different for me.

Nice story though. I like how it can be applied to the reader's own experience.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
I got from it was a man floating in a parallel dimension where chaos ruled and gods were higher things that must be prayed to but he was not faithful and he paid for it. Thats just thinking really hard, cause it was also really confusing to me. I guess it was wrote pretty well. *reads others comments*

oh, well I guess that kind of makes sense. It's pretty good when you realize that, but still confusing and the gods and demons I don't see how they relate to the cell, unless the warden or some such?
confusing but well written.
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Haha, I guess you have to read the whole thing to understand it. :p Oh well, it was fun, and I guess it's a bit too abstract to understand on the first read.
 

SilverHawk

General Iroh - Dragon of the West
Yeah, I was thinking religious symbolism on this one, but maybe that's because I had just read something else with religious symbolism. :p
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Definitely confusing... actually, very well done in that regard; a sane person would have incredible trouble trying to decipher the meaning behind this story, but an insane man would say it was a nice story. I think the very fact that this story would be better read by an insane person rather than a sane person makes it something unique and powerful.

On a side note, proof read your damn stories. I like your works, but I dislike your grammar. Immensely. So please, if not for you than for people like me that can't stand simple little mistakes that really don't take anything away from the story. Pwease?

Word out.
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
I know my grammar sucks. My grammar has always sucked, but lately I've been proof reading my stories more and more, and these are the stories that I plan to post out in the real world.
I write too quickly because I lack the time and the energy to put so much work into my stories. I re-read "Beth" and I couldn't believe how many mistakes I missed after my one proof skim.
I'm not really good at grammar, and it's not entirely my fault in the first place, but I can't whine about it. It's just another thing to work on.
I'm smoothing out my schedule as we speak. My English teacher has fallen in love with my voice instead of my writing, so she wants me to compete with it, but I don't want to do such things... I'm a rebel when it comes down to people choosing my future careers. She says I should be an actor; I refuse to become one.
Have I told you the story of the young white kid who couldn't read or write when he was a plump of fat in third grade? Do you want to know what he wanted to be? He wanted to be an artist.
That plump stupid kid was me, and the only difference is that I'm no longer plump. I'm now a tall stupid kid who has managed to get into high school.

If you point out any grammar mistakes in that whole bit, I'll plus rep you. :)
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Don't test me.

If you point out any grammar mistakes in that whole bit, I'll plus rep you.
Ninva, I don't think you fully understand how little I actually have to do each day. How're you gonna challenge me like that?

Have I told you the story of the young white kid who couldn't read or write when he was a plump of fat in third grade?
Normally, I wouldn't even notice this if I were reading something; unfortunately for you, I was challenged to point out a grammer mistake.

Since couldn't is negative, you should be using nor as the conjunction instead of or. I was pretty unsure of this rule at first, myself; I rarely use the word 'nor,' and when I do it's most often preceded by 'neither.' So, bored as I was, I decided to go on a literary search to discover how these conjunctions actually worked. Here are the links to the two sites I checked out, if you'd like to see for yourself:

http://www.fortunecity.com/bally/durrus/153/gramch28.html
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/conjunctions.htm

Sooooo yeah. Enjoy. And sorry for being the dick to find anything, even something as small and unimportant as that. That paragraph was pretty much flawless grammar-wise, btw; just keep writing like that! =D

Much love, brotha. Word out.
 

Seb!

You can change this now in User CP.
" In the matter of seconds, the object hugged me, and I screamed nervously fighting the new found demon away from me"

- I am confused about comma use near the phrase "I screamed nervously fighting", you could put in a comma before or after nervously, but each means something different

"I fell a sleep and continue to do"

-asleep

"In the matter of seconds"

-Wouldn't this be in A matter of seconds

"I fell asleep and continue to do this"

-continued

"I became humbled and moved for a long and cold object, and hid under it."

-comma between humbled and and, unless you meant that he was both humbled and moved for an object


GREAT WRITING
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
I'll proof read my writing from now on, but my current project is going into an official contest to see where I rank in my local region.

Thanks for reading.
 

Seb!

You can change this now in User CP.
If you point out any grammar mistakes in that whole bit, I'll plus rep you. :)

^
l
l
l


Sorry I thought you wanted someone too
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Staff member
At first, I too was confused but then i read the posts lol and understood it. Great story and storyline even though its short, it has its point. And good grammer too, if tat was the first one, lol. Keep ups the work. Is anyone on cuz no one reply to anything for like 9 hours... :(
 
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