"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
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29
I started this story on July 3rd bam! finished it! if you already read first two chapters, you should read again, cuz i added some stuff that will make the end make sense..
Pretty good, 7/10. Some grammatical errors, some parts that just sound weird. You're a bit repetitive in the first heest, and you telling about it like it already happened and then your in the car driving but then when you get there its in the past again. Correct me if I'm wrong. The end, I know you were trying to make it sound foreboding because it was "The Job" but it doesn't come off like that the way you did it. Like if you look at My prologue of Remembrance, I say
"It was at this spire the Lites had been killed.
Slaughtered. Burned. Shook.
Broke...
This was the thing that defied the world, sat on a throne of death and peace and laughed at it, challenging it to face the power of man, power they had long held, long forgotten.
Power they would soon need to remember."
Spaces and Shorter sentences usually do better in those situations, and some kind of build up. Idk, just a suggestion.
Better then the first chapter, everything is still kind of choppy, doesn't flow together too well. though you do do a good job building up suspense for the heest.
lol.... with the first chapter. The end, still doesn't sound right with the commas. Although a few more people need to read this so you can get there opinion on it too. Here's how I might write it.
"Today was different though. We did not visit them today. I had to make come up with a plan, the biggest plan of my life.
A plan needing the brilliance of a commander, the cunning of an assassin.
tomorrow I'll tell Jimmy and Harry.
Let them sleep."
I didn't like using "The Job" as the closer, I couldn't find a way to make it work. If you like it you can use it.
"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
Reaction score
29
yea yea speilburg, thats sounds a little better, but two things 1: the cunning of an assasin? that really doesn't sound right for a heest.. 2: let them sleep.. i'm writing the story in past tense, that sounds present.
That is past tense. Its just taking out the 'I' as in "I let them sleep" Let
If you don't like the assassin thing thats fine, I just came up with it off the top of my head.
"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
Reaction score
29
hmmm.. interesting
i got an idea.. how about i send you my story and you can revise it and change and stuff..
then send it back?
wanna see how good you can make it...
Not saying he shouldn't get rep, but a lot of people have posted stories here... Paradise, Corruption, Arcane Corruption, Remembrance (the best by far lol)... the list goes on and on...
"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
Reaction score
29
i think mine is the longest of them yet(except for Corruption of course). But you havent finished Remembrance... so thats a factor. Anyway thnx for the rep if u gave it to me.
I do think you should make the database Mizo, maybe thatll inspire Halahan to FINISH remberance
I've had to figure out the Plot. I didn't have it clear enough.
No, Arcane corruption, and Paradise is also longer then yours. in fact, mine is still longer then yours I think.
oh, ya yours is longer then mine.
But no, yours is 8 pages and Arcane corruption has at least 16 chapters, each as long as yours.
Also, the Sage of Immortals and a good many forgotten ones.
The bots will show up as users online in the forum software but they do not show up in my stats tracking. I am sure there are bots in the stats but the way alot of the bots treat the site do not show up on the stats
Anyway I need to get some of those sensors and two air pressure sensors installed before an after the filters, which I need to figure out how to calculate the necessary pressure for and I have yet to find anything that tells me how to actually do that, just the cfm ratings
And then I have to set up an arduino board to read those sensors, which I also don't know very much about but I have a whole bunch of crash course things for that
Another issue I'm learning is that a lot of the air quality sensors don't work at very high ambient temperatures. I'm planning on heating this enclosure to like 60C or so, and that's the upper limit of their functionality
Although I don't know if I need to actually actively heat it or just let the plate and hotend bring the ambient temp to whatever it will, but even then I need to figure out an exfiltration for hot air. I think I kind of know what to do but it's still fucking confusing
I don't think I'm dealing with quite the same pressures though, at the very least its a significantly smaller system. For the time being I'm just going to put together a quick scrubby box though and hope it works good enough to not make my house toxic
I do know this - xenforo dropped the ball by not keeping the vbulletin reputation comments as a feature. The loss of the Reputation comments data when we switched to Xenforo really was the death knell for the site when it came to all the users that left. I know I missed it so much and I got way less interested in the site when that feature was gone and I run the site.