"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
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I started this story on July 3rd bam! finished it! if you already read first two chapters, you should read again, cuz i added some stuff that will make the end make sense..
Pretty good, 7/10. Some grammatical errors, some parts that just sound weird. You're a bit repetitive in the first heest, and you telling about it like it already happened and then your in the car driving but then when you get there its in the past again. Correct me if I'm wrong. The end, I know you were trying to make it sound foreboding because it was "The Job" but it doesn't come off like that the way you did it. Like if you look at My prologue of Remembrance, I say
"It was at this spire the Lites had been killed.
Slaughtered. Burned. Shook.
Broke...
This was the thing that defied the world, sat on a throne of death and peace and laughed at it, challenging it to face the power of man, power they had long held, long forgotten.
Power they would soon need to remember."
Spaces and Shorter sentences usually do better in those situations, and some kind of build up. Idk, just a suggestion.
Better then the first chapter, everything is still kind of choppy, doesn't flow together too well. though you do do a good job building up suspense for the heest.
lol.... with the first chapter. The end, still doesn't sound right with the commas. Although a few more people need to read this so you can get there opinion on it too. Here's how I might write it.
"Today was different though. We did not visit them today. I had to make come up with a plan, the biggest plan of my life.
A plan needing the brilliance of a commander, the cunning of an assassin.
tomorrow I'll tell Jimmy and Harry.
Let them sleep."
I didn't like using "The Job" as the closer, I couldn't find a way to make it work. If you like it you can use it.
"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
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yea yea speilburg, thats sounds a little better, but two things 1: the cunning of an assasin? that really doesn't sound right for a heest.. 2: let them sleep.. i'm writing the story in past tense, that sounds present.
That is past tense. Its just taking out the 'I' as in "I let them sleep" Let
If you don't like the assassin thing thats fine, I just came up with it off the top of my head.
"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
Reaction score
29
hmmm.. interesting
i got an idea.. how about i send you my story and you can revise it and change and stuff..
then send it back?
wanna see how good you can make it...
Not saying he shouldn't get rep, but a lot of people have posted stories here... Paradise, Corruption, Arcane Corruption, Remembrance (the best by far lol)... the list goes on and on...
"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
Reaction score
29
i think mine is the longest of them yet(except for Corruption of course). But you havent finished Remembrance... so thats a factor. Anyway thnx for the rep if u gave it to me.
I do think you should make the database Mizo, maybe thatll inspire Halahan to FINISH remberance
I've had to figure out the Plot. I didn't have it clear enough.
No, Arcane corruption, and Paradise is also longer then yours. in fact, mine is still longer then yours I think.
oh, ya yours is longer then mine.
But no, yours is 8 pages and Arcane corruption has at least 16 chapters, each as long as yours.
Also, the Sage of Immortals and a good many forgotten ones.
It'll be good practice at least, I did a bunch of practice boards the last few weeks but that's a bit different than actual repair. It's pretty obvious what's going on with those, so it's not very hard to trace the leads, and they aren't designed with faults so
Site is peaking on traffic for the recipes - Sundays are always the big days and we are 200 plus unique visitors an hour right now and it will be like that probably be around 3000 total on the site all day maybe more if Google desires it LOL
Anyway I have a power bench that I don't actually know how to use, but I'm assuming I can take the battery out and power it directly from that to see if any of them turn on.
If you had kids like me that grew up in that era you could just go to your closet and fish out one of the cords from the cord bag. I bet I have everyone of those cord connectors plus some