The Man of Very Few Words

Ozzdog

Hopeless Toby Driver fan boy
This is a school assignment i recieved last year. We had to write a short story on whatever but the three following words had to be included somehow: Asparagus, Boxing, Beverly Hills.

I thought my story was quite good!

The Man of Very Few Words


There is a very small town, somewhere in the middle of West Virginia, USA, called Coalville. Many people believe it is a terribly un-original name for a coal-mining village in West Virginia. Others think tomatoes are disgusting. In this town, there is a local convenience store. The owner of this store is a man called Jacob. People usually like Jacob because he is mild mannered and rarely late. His favourite thing to do is to eat asparagus and watch “Rocky”, I through IV (he disliked V for some extremely odd reason). Jacob didn’t usually talk a lot. Many people think it is because he had his vocal cords removed back in ’93, others think it is because of a lack of vitamin D.

One day, in the spring month of April, a Caucasian male walked into his convenience store. The two men had a conversation, this is how it went;

“Hello” said Jacob.

“Hey” replied the unnamed mystery man.

“Could I help you with anything, anything at all?”

“Well... I do need some help building an addition on my house.”

“I am very sorry sir, I am unable to help you with such a task. When I asked
Could I help you with anything, I meant something somewhat related to my store.”

“Oh, in that case I’ll take a bag of easily digestible steak jerky.”

“My deepest sympathies sir, we do not carry Easily Digestible steak jerky, although I do carry normal steak jerky.”

“Well, I entirely dislike normal steak jerky.”

“In that case, get out, you are scaring me.”

And that is how Jacob’s conversation went with the Caucasian male. After that conversation, Jacob realized his life was exceedingly dull, and decided to sell his convenience store and move to a warmer climate. The location he decided to move to at first was Hamilton, Ontario. A few days after, luckily right before he bought a house in Hamilton, Jacob looked at a map of North America. Later that month, Jacob was enjoying his new life in Beverly Hills.

One sunny afternoon in late June, Jacob was walking down the sidewalk, when a fancy looking limo pulled up beside him. Low and behold, it was Sylvester Stalone, the actor in his favourite “Rocky” movies. Sylvester rolled down the window and said.

“Hey sir, what’s your name?”

“Jacob.” Stated the man of very few words.

“I have an offer for you. In the near future Paramount has offered me a role in “Rocky VI”, and we need an arch-nemesis.”

“Ok, what’s your offer?”

“Well, I personally think you would look good in an asparagus suit. I was thinking that my arch-nemesis could be asparagus. What d’ya say?”

“I am honoured. But I must ask why you have chosen to beat up a poor, helpless piece of asparagus.”

“Well, for various reasons, the most important one being that all the junk food companies are paying me money to beat up healthy food, they think it promotes junk food.”

“Well. Mr. Stalone, once again, I am greatly honoured… But I must decline your offer. Asparagus is my life. I will not let my most cherished thing be beaten up by a boxer, even if the “Rocky” movies are my favourite.

“Ah… Well aren’t you some character. How about we dress you up as a turnip!?”

“Sounds great. When do we start?”

“Next Wednesday at 4 pm. Do you know where Paramount studios are?”
“But of course!”

For the rest of his life, Jacob was a movie star. He was rich and always lived in the moment. Lucky Him.


By Ozzdog
 
That was a good story, but you could vary the sentence structure up a little, instead of Jacob did this, he did that. It comes off as a monotone story. You could also get into the mind of Jacob a little more, make him a little more like a character than just words on a paper.

Third Person Conciousness is where you can keep the third person, but still get into the minds of the characters, giving them a bit more personality. It does wonders for a story, giving us a little more insight into a story.

Ozzdog said:
One sunny afternoon in late June, Jacob was walking down the sidewalk, when a fancy looking limo pulled up beside him. Low and behold, it was Sylvester Stalone, the actor in his favourite “Rocky” movies. Sylvester rolled down the window and said.
Instead of that you could have:
One sunny afternoon late in June, Jacob was walking down the sidewalk, when a fancy looking limo pulled up beside him. Low and behold, it was Sylvester Stalone, No, it can't be, it just can't be, someone up there has to love me, Jacob thinks to himself, not realizing that he was staring until Sylvester rolled down the window and said.

See the difference. Just a few little changes and it makes a big difference :)
 

Ozzdog

Hopeless Toby Driver fan boy
Thanks alot. I tried to make it mono tone on purpose, if you knew my sense of humor you would understand :p. But thanks alot, criticism is appreciated.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
I like it, though add a little mystery. It makes the reader want to read on. (Not that it didn't make you read on, it had a completely odd sense of dry humor coupled with intrigue and bizzareness.
 
S

Stinman

Guest
I thaught that it was a pretty good story, although you could add a little more excitement to it. Such as that you talk about jacob too much. You could put a girl in the story that he goes along all of his adventures with him, or something like that. But other than that it was very good.
 
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