The Swarm Rising - A Starcraft Fan Fic (Critique Needed)

kingbdogz

The Edge of Eternity is upon us.
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Hello everyone here is a quick short story I wrote I just wanted some critique. This is my first attempt at a short story, but still give me all critique you can so I can see what I need to improve. Thanks in advanced!

Chapter 1: The Birth of Fear​


As Kerrigan strode towards the large veined egg contained with puss, blood, and one mindless life form, she thought through what she was planning. She was underneath the central Hive of her brood, thinking. All around her was pink swollen flesh; clusters of carapace and tunnels surrounded the organic room. Green toxic gases sprouted from brown pipes of carapace and seemed to sizzle at the touch of air. In front of her, maggot like creatures swarmed the ground and numerous eggs clustered the room containing more vile creatures. Kerrigan was once a Ghost. Ghosts were much unlike normal Humans; they were trained to use their physic abilities to their fullest extent. When she was fully trained as a Ghost and mentally pushed to her limits, she turned sides with the Human Terrans she once served. Before she left the Terrans, she was in debt with Arcturus Mengsk, who was crowned the Emperor of the juvenile Terrans. For several years Kerrigan worked for Mengsk as his assassin and did various jobs and operations for him. Kerrigan was betrayed; she was left behind on a mission to be assimilated into the Zerg, a vile race of Alien insectoids. Her transformation made her features unrecognizable compared to her once human self. Long spines now protruded and hung behind her head where her red silky hair once was, and she had hard brown carapace on her slim muscled body. Her skin had turned a dark olive and two large wing like limbs grew from her shoulders branching out to three more with the tips sharp and gory. She was Monstrous.

Kerrigan, somewhat like the Zerg, had turned mindless and sought destruction and order but unlike the Zerg she still was intelligent. She thought of her evolution herself sometimes. She had evolved from a rebelling Ghost assassin to a monstrous murdering beast but swatted those lingering human emotions. She wanted revenge, revenge on the portraying bastard Mengsk. She remembered it like it was yesterday; Kerrigan was below the Battlecruiser Norad II fighting off the Zerg minions swarming to attack her. Zerg are mindless, and without someone to follow or to order them around they would go into a frenzy and attack anything they sought. At that time the Overmind (a giant organism with overflowing intelligence) had been controlling the Zerg. She had run out of ammunition and her Gauss Rifle was rendered useless. She requested back up from Mengsk, but he sat back, said nothing of it and left. She had no choice but to surrender to the swarm. After that she was imprisoned in a large cocoon where she still had her human instincts and tried to call out and communicate with her once friend that she sided with in combat; Jim Raynor. It was too late by the time Raynor had came to her rescue and she had been fully transformed, but did not regret it one bit. She loved being powerful; it allowed her to take revenge on those she sought dead. She has gone further then killing, though, and it has made her even more of a monster. Kerrigan is now bloodthirsty and kills anyone without regret.

She, now with the Overmind dead, controls the whole Zerg swarm. The Zerg have been in hiding in the shadows of their home world Char for four years. Kerrigan has been gathering her minions and assimilating more powerful ones into the swarm. It was indeed now the right time to strike back, and Kerrigan felt she had to attack soon. Her plan was to attack the Terran cities and fill fear in the civilians' hearts. She wanted to kill the rest of her Terran 'friends' and she also knew they would come to her. Raynor would come to her foolishly and then she would kill him without regret, she knew the way he thought and he wanted revenge. The idea made her heart beat with excitement. Even though she was a transformed beast, she still had Human feelings that sometimes wandered into her mind. She tried to stop them but it was no use. Kerrigan in the past few weeks had been experiencing flash backs of her memories; it was like she was slowly turning human again but she still felt no different about her situation. She would always be the Queen of Blades and she would always be the bloodthirsty killer she is now.

She contacted some nearby Overlords (creatures that assisted Kerrigan in mustering her forces) and told them to expand the Zerg Drones further out and harvest more Minerals; a substance that fuelled the Zerg broods. She needed her swarm to be ready for battle, for she was on the brink of sending her forces to the various nearby worlds and destroying their precious inhabitants; the Terrans'. Once the Overlords agreed to her order and hovered over to the various working Drones, she got closer to the Zerg egg she had been watching for several days. It was the first egg of a new Zerg creature that had been grown in Kerrigan's brood. She had yet to see its full potential but the various Queens of other broods had confirmed that it was to be a successful creature. Glowing orange eyes peered from within the translucent fleshy egg sack and its expression showed rage and confusion. It was nearly ready to hatch. Kerrigan reached out for the egg and stroked its surface to give the creature within comfort. She had always seen her Zerg minions as her children, but she did not let her emotions cloud her objective. If they died they died, and by now she had no reason to get sad about her precious minions, but one thing she would do is get revenge on their killers.

Limbs, or what it seemed to be, started tugging and pushing at the cocoon. The egg was growing bigger and so was the creature within. After what seemed five minutes, the egg grew at least four meters tall. The stretch the egg had endured made its surface transparent and inside a monstrous beast of huge proportions longed to break free. It looked like a huge lump of purple fat; flaps of skin overlapped each other all over its body and three gruesome mouths were on its front, left and right side. Small spines protruded out the top part of its body and stumpy limbs grew from its bottom half. The creature pushed harder and harder at the cocoons surface and the veins encrusted over the egg started thumping and pulsing even faster then before. The egg it self seemed as alive as the creature within. Finally after an hour, a spine poked through the surface of the egg and bloody gooey puss dribbled down the egg. A second, third, and fourth limb broke its way free of the egg and thus the Infester was born.
Kerrigan smiled as the lumbering beast tumbled out of the egg. It was indeed fearsome, yet she did not know why the brood Queens had called it the Infester. At first it fell over, but after a minute it mastered walking with its stumpy carapaced legs. Kerrigan walked over to the Infester and petted its side as its muscles vibrated and stretched. She lowered to the ground and pulled a hand full of creep--a purple substance that nourished the Zerg forces--and fed it to the large creature. It swallowed it whole. Kerrigan smiled once more, she knew people would fear the Infester. With her psionic powers, Kerrigan told the Infester to nourish its self with creep and with that she strode her way out of the Hatchery.


* * * * *


Kerrigan was surprised with her anger as she ordered her Drones with her mind. Arghhh! she thought. they aren't working hard enough! The Drones were not working at their highest limits; Kerrigan tried not to feed her swarm but her attempts failed as her Brood was getting tired with hunger. They obeyed her orders and got straight back to work. Zerg were mindless without someone to follow, and that someone was Kerrigan. In the past few days Kerrigan had tested the Infesters powers to its fullest limit. She was disgusted with the results. The Infester was just a blob of walking flesh and nothing else, but since it was fearful enough, she kept breeding them in hope they would pour dread into the hearts of her enemies. There was one thing she admired about the Infester though, and this was a modification she had made to the gene. She made the Infester grow stronger and more numerous muscles through its body. It was now more like a giant muscled flesh ball. The stronger muscles allowed the Infester to burrow underground like the normal Zerg creatures, and even so much as traversing through the dark crust with ease. This was a huge advantage for the Infester, and is one of the main reasons Kerrigan has kept it in her brood. She soon walked over to one of her other Hatcheries where Drones clustered nearby crystals. She tended to them with her mind with affection. Nearby, she sensed a presence, but one she knew. Samir Duran stepped to her side and watched the line of Minerals with strange curiosity.

"You shall be murdering millions of Terrans', my Queen,” exclaimed Duran
She eyed Duran and watched his expression as he kept observing the minerals.
"Indeed, Duran," Kerrigan replied "what of your presence here?"
Duran finally looked towards Kerrigan with a blank expression.
"I have come to report that you should continue to look for more species to assimilate, it is of great importance that we strike the Terrans with power"
"Indeed, but I've know this for a long time, surely you didn't think I would be idiotic enough for this not to cross my mind?"
"I have no intention of offending you, my Queen; I merely came here to remind you"
"But you agree you thought I would forget? You question my intelligence by wording it like that, Duran"
"I'm sorry, my Queen, I did not intend to offend you" Duran said
"You are forgiven, now, enough with this," Kerrigan continued. "if we are to attack the Terrans soon, we must assemble an army of great size"
"Yes, my Queen," Kerrigan eyed him once again, now he had a curious expression. "What do you intend on doing, my Queen?"
"I believe we should push the limits of the Infesters gene, I want you to assist me" Duran looked confused "If we are to get the fullest strength of our army, we are to push their limits"
Duran nodded with agreement and followed her into the Hatchery.

Ooze of dark colour dripped from the roofs of the fleshy cavern and all around her small larvae crawled and wandered on the pink matted walls waiting to be ordered.
"We should try improving its size and its ability to traverse terrain" Duran said
"Yes, I think we should also increase its limb strengths" exclaimed Kerrigan
For what seemed like hours, they altered the process of morphing into an Infester from the minds of the Larvae and later tested it by creating another egg. The egg had a strange green tint to it and Kerrigan worried she had pushed the gene further its limit and destroyed it. After ten minutes the Infester started to tug at the egg. Relief filled her senses. Fifty minutes later the egg was at least two times larger then the previous alteration. It was what seemed ten meters tall and inside was a greater Infester with a translucent back filled with spores. They had achieved more then first thought. Finally after two hours the gigantic creature broke free of the egg. It walked forward with its now larger and longer legs, stronger muscled body, and a giant mouth on the top of its head. It let out a huge spitting roar at Kerrigan and Duran. Kerrigan let out a menacing cold laugh and grinned at the new Infester that would kill thousands of civilians tonight.
"You have done well, Duran,” said Kerrigan with a grin "Now everyone shall fear the mighty Infester, the birth of fear is upon us!" she let out another chilling cry of laughter with cold rage dancing in her eyes.
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
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506
Heh, awesome story. SCII...

One thing, after dialogue, you need to insert something before the ending quotation marks, like a comma or period.

"I have come to report that you should continue to look for more species to assimilate, it is of great importance that we strike the Terrans with power."
"Indeed, but I've know this for a long time, surely you didn't think I would be idiotic enough for this not to cross my mind?"
"I have no intention of offending you, my Queen; I merely came here to remind you."

Really gory, :) Are you going to enter short story contest?

~Hai-Bye-Vine~
 

kingbdogz

The Edge of Eternity is upon us.
Reaction score
123
Heh, awesome story. SCII...

One thing, after dialogue, you need to insert something before the ending quotation marks, like a comma or period.

Ahh okay, thanks for the heads up.

Really gory, :) Are you going to enter short story contest?

~Hai-Bye-Vine~

Short story contest? I didn't know there was one xD Could you show me a link?

Also did you find any awkward moments in the story? Or were any parts a bit rushed? I tend to run into those a lot and can't fix them.
 

DogOfHavoc

Future Tragedy
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55
Don't bump your own work, we have other writers waiting for critique on their own stories. If someone reads your story they will comment it, just be patient.
 
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