[Tinki3's Joke Thread] <== Got a joke? Post it here!

Tinki3

Special Member
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418
Welcome to the joke thread :cool:

I don't know how many of these there are, but lets try to keep the jokes clean and not tooo long :rolleyes:

Please rap your jokes in the "quote" tags.

Well, here's my first joke:

Dear Tinki3,

Why do people think its funny when someone farts?

--Rupert

Dear Rupert,

We all laugh.

But its not that funny when someone shoots gas through their anus.

--Tinki3


Happy joking!
 

Quauhtli

I have the right to remain silent.
Reaction score
62
Dear Tinki3,

Why do people think its funny when someone farts?

--Rupert

Dear Rupert,

We all laugh.

But its not that funny when someone shoots gas through their anus.

--Tinki3
i dont get it...

anyways,

Why whas the baby ant so confused?

Answer: Because all his uncles were ants!
 

Master

Thou shall be helped by...The Black Adder!
Reaction score
72
Joke of the day: :p
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"


-sorry for any inproper language :D-
 
K

Kerberos

Guest
So, there's a priest on a train. Next to him is a guy with lipstick stains around the collar of his shirt, and his breath reeks of alcohol. The guy is reading a paper. Suddenly, he asks the priest, "Hey, what causes arthritis?"

The priest, somewhat snappishly, replies, "Too much exposure to loose women and alcohol."

Some minutes later, the priest thinks that maybe he'd been too hard on the guy. So he says, "Sorry about that. So, how long have you had arthritis?

The guy looks up from his paper, slightly amused, and replies, "Oh, I don't. It just says here that the Pope does."

Unfortunately, most of my joke repertoire has been forced from my head and the void has been filled with Michael Jackson jokes.
 

Tinki3

Special Member
Reaction score
418
Why whas the baby ant so confused?

Answer: Because all his uncles were ants!
A but dry.. lol :rolleyes:

Here's another:
A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the she exclaimed - "So, that's how you guys load those things!"

:D
 

pkraktis

New Member
Reaction score
4
A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the she exclaimed - "So, that's how you guys load those things!"


LMAO THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS. GOOD FUCKING JOB YOU MADE MY DAY.
 
1

1337D00D

Guest
Here
A man was reading a restaurant survey.
It asked: "Were the bathrooms clean?"
He wrote down: "Before or after I used them?"
There were 3 guys in a car, and they got pulled over for speeding. The cop said that he would let them go free if the length of their ...things together measured 10 inches. So the first guy says "Mine's 5 inches." the second guy said "Mine's 4 1/2 inches". The third guy said "Mine's 1/2 inch". So they got to go free. Afterwards, the first guy says "I'm glad mines 5 inches." The second guy says "Im glad mines 4 1/2 inches". The third guy says "I'm glad I had a boner".
 

Nigerianrulz

suga suga how'd you get so fly?
Reaction score
199
alright heres mine
A Frenchmen walks into a restaurant and says 'can i plz have 2 piece of toast' and the waiter gave him ONE piece of toast. The Frenchmen says 'No i want 2 PISS on the table'. The waiter says ' NO, you don't piss on the table'. The waiter says ' Go to the toilet if you want to piss'. The Frenchmen with anger says' Don't you get it i want 2 piss'. Then the waiter also getting fired up calls the manager.

The manager comes... and the waiter says ' This guy wants to 2 piss on the table'. The manager says 'Sir if you want to piss on the table then go to the toilet.' 'NO I WANT 2 PISS on the table!!!!' The manager now calls the sercruity guard ' take this crazy constepated person out of here.' The Frenchmen now screaming ' NO I WANT 2 PISS, I WANT 2 PISS' and exits
hope you enjoy it
 

Tinki3

Special Member
Reaction score
418
Ha ha. That's a good one :D

Here's another few:
1.
What do you call a lonely fisherman?

A Master-Baiter.
2.
A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn't right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes.

The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.

The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.

It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.

Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ''I wish that that bear is gay.''
 

Nigerianrulz

suga suga how'd you get so fly?
Reaction score
199
LOL thats a good one too :D

1.
What is the key to a godo christmas dinner
A tur-KEY

Here another similar one
2.
A man goes to a hotel and calls for room service. He saids 'Can i have a sheet on the bed'. The Room service guy was stunned at what he just said and rushes up to his room.

'No sir please dont sh*t on the bed.' Confused the man says 'I want to sheet on the bed, whats wrong with that?' Room service guy getting a little nervous about whats going to happen to him if he sh*t on the bed and he pleads ' No sir, Please dont SH*T on the bed!' 'It is only a sheet why are you so nervous about this?' The Room service guy gets up on his feet and starting running and hoping that the man wouldn't shit on the bed as he stays outside of the room filled with horror and he hears sounds of Big thing dropping down and starts to run and screams and missed the sound of the toilet flushing
 
G

gwingetinkoq

Guest
this mines :
A nun and a man were standing in an elevator.
being the nice person that she was she looked over at him, smiled and said:

"T.G.I.F."

The man looked back at her and said:

"S.H.I.T"

The nun was shocked. She turned to the man and said:

"There was no reason to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Friday"

The man looked back and her and said:

"Well you must have missunderstood me because all I said was,

"Sorry Honey It's Thursday"
 
G

gwingetinkoq

Guest
more
YOU ALWAYS BY MY SIDE"

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came
to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business
fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we
lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing,
you were still by my side.

When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck."
 
G

gwingetinkoq

Guest
moree
One day, there was this man who decided to try out sunbathing at a
nudist'beach. He finally found a suitable spot at the " The Havern
and settled down to make himself comfortable, Being a first-timer, he
found it a bot embarrassing.

An hour later, he noticed a little girl staring down at him. Beginning
to
feel increasingly ackward, he placed the newspaper over his private
parts .
The little girl , whose curiousity had been aroused asked him what that
was
and he explained that it was his bird he kept it under wraps so that it
would'nt fly away. Soon after having got used to the piercing stare, he
fell
asleep....

WHen he woke up, he had a shock of his life to find himself at the
General
Hospital remembering only vaguely of a certain BAD dream he had had of
finding his "bird" being roasted ! ." WHat the hell happened ?" He said
to
himself. It was an even greater surprise, when the little girl who was
at
the beach stepped into his room.
"Hello, You are awake"
"Yes , hi Do you know how I came to be here?" he asked the little girl.
" Actually , yes . You see while you were sleeping , I wanted to play
with
your bird. But after a while it started to grow in size and it spit at
me.
I was SOoooo angry , I broke its neck , crushed its eggs and set its
nest on
fire. that was when the people form the hospital started to arrive and
they
brought you here. By the way, don't worry about the bird , the nice man
in
the white suit tells me that it already dead and wouldn't do anymore
harm""
 
G

gwingetinkoq

Guest
There was a Japanese who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the Japanese leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.

Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

Thereupon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
LOL
 

Wiseman_2

Missy wants blood!
Reaction score
169
Well, no-one's posted a joke in while, but I didn't think there was any point in making a whole new thread for one.

Two sausages are in a pan. One says to the other, "Hi, how's it going?"
The other says "Bloody hell, a talking sausage!"

@ gwingetinkog: Those jokes are good. But there's no need to put them seperatly in 4 consecutive posts. Just edit the first.
 

InfectedWithDrew

I used to go here a lot.
Reaction score
95
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300o C. The Russians used a pencil.
Thanks to Stumble Upon for presenting me this. :)
 

Some1Sneakin

New Member
Reaction score
5
2 jokes, excuse my bad english!
Two Americans were out in the jungle one day.
After awhile they got captured by some canibals.
The canibal chief said: One of you will be free if you do the two tasks.
What tasks, the two Amercans asked?
-The first task is to find 10 fruits in the jungle.
Then the two Americans ran out in the jungle for the fruit.

Some minuter later one of the Americans came back with 10 grapes.
The chief canibal said: you second task is to put them all up in your ass without laughing.
The American did what he said with 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9
Then he start to laugh.
Why are you laughing now you were almost finished? The chief canibal asked.
Then the Americans say: Look! Theres my friend with 10 coconuts!

Whats the similarity with a male and a christmas tree?
-Both have balls hanging from the stick
 
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