Unamed book

BANANAMAN

Resident Star Battle Expert.
So i've been writing a book for quite some time now but i haven't come up with a nice tittle for it....Hopefully it would come to me when im writing the book....
So anyways heres Chapter 1
(prologue included)


Prologue
US Military base near the Russia-Finland border
The night was cold,as if the blizzard sucked away every trace of heat. And it did. Even with the heater in the base turned up to maximum it was still cold enough to make your testicles shrivel up into a prune while your piss froze.Arturo was sitting around a fire feebly fighting a loosing battle. with Alan Lopez and Theo. Theo tossed more wood into the flame which momentarily flared up then quickly resided as the cold reminded it who was boss. Arturo was about to light a cigarette when the alarm went off.Soldiers began emerging from there tents dazed and confused. Theo was already firing a gun into the inky darkness while Alan drove the M4A7. Arturo quickly grabbed a rifle and began to open fire into the darkness..Several muzzle flashes answered back followed by a dull explosion..A hole exploded right beside Him.The enemy was gaining ground fast like a fire feeding on paper. Finally an evacuation was ordered.The entire garrison managed to hold off the enemy troops for 30 minutes...But what a long
30 minutes that was...Bodies dying,screams of pain,explosions as loud as thunder. As the last of the men entered the Sparrow Hawks Arturo always heroic to the last covered the retreat of his fellow soldiers. A bullet managed to find it's way to Arturo's leg. He began to feel dizzy..Arturo colapsed into a crumpled heap and was dragged into the huge craft.The last thing he remembered seeing was a medic holding his hand...Then his vision faded..But he could still remember that face...That beautiful face.
Chapter 1
5 years later
Arturo's arms where flung back at the recoil of the Napalm launcher.Trails of suffocating smoke traced to the rocket as it exploded in a blinding flash of red light. Screams of agony and pain echoed as hungry, bright red flames devoured countless Communist rebels,The Communist soldiers began running and shooting in a frenzied rage at the battered bunkers where the weary garrison was hiding in.Their tanks weren't far behind. Arturo cursed and spat at the ground. He threw the launcher aside and grabbed his rifle. He aimed at the nearest soldier and fired. The others continued to empty magazines onto the oncoming communist hoards. Arturo looked behind him to see several M4A7's opening up at the enemy tanks their HE rounds destroying tank after tank. Alas the enemy numbered them 50 to one. The M4's began to fall to the much cheaper built and poorly armored A-57 Striker tanks as the battle progressed. Arturo called in a MOAB strike and painted the largest cluster of enemy units for the strike. Minutes later a sonic boom which signaled a B-108 flying overhead which only mean that the bomb wasn't far behind. Arturo instinctively covered his ears as the MOAB detonated on target giving birth to a explosion which rocked the ground along with sending various limbs and chunks of metal flying in various directions. As the dust settled he could see that they took out a large chunk of the enemy army. But this relief was short lived when dozens of cargo planes began dropping paratroopers. The base's anti air craft system lit up and began spraying the air with lead. Enemy Smerch missiles began to rain from the sky taking out random Sentry guns. Where the hell is that back up!! he yelled as the Smerch missiles continued to explode around them blowing out chunks of concrete every now and then. Suddenly there was a bright flash of light and for a second Arturo and the rest of the garrison were blinded by the bright light. The brightness subsided after a few seconds but what greeted Arturo's sight was incredible. The few remaining enemy forces began to retreat back to the mountains. He looked at the battle field. The entire area was entirely devoid of dead bodies. As if a large flame had consumed every biological reminder that a battle occurred there. The garrison troops let out a ragged cheer. Seconds later the drone of Sparrow hawk engines could be heard. Arturo watched as men rappelled down ropes and began securing the perimeter. He was approached
by a commanding officer that had a higher rank than him. They apparently have orders that the whole base has to be evacuated. Arturo nodded and made his way to the mess hall.Upoun reaching the mess hall he grabbed some chicken and a cup of coffee. He quietly ate contemplating his thoughts. That last battle placed it really close. Arturo sighed and finished off his meal and decided to check on how the base evacuation was going on. He saw a private struggle with a heavy load so he rushed over and helped the poor man. As He was wiping the sweat off his brow Arturo heard a faint whistling in the distance. An shrill alarm rang out signaling that the base was under attack. Arturo grabbed a rifle from its storage rack. He ran. Several men where already there at the bunkers as Muslim insurgents where attacking. Several Sparrows where already airborne spraying the area and laying down suppressing fire.
Arturo heard a man cry out in pain. He gritted his teeth and continued to fight. The base had taken a real beating at the last assault apparently the Muslims had taken this as a opportune moment to strike.
The order was given to run for it. Dropping his gun Arturo sprinted towards the waiting Sparrows. He managed to get on the last one as it lifted into the sky while the base self destructed. Arturo found a seat and strapped himself in. A red light appeared signaling that they where under enemy fire. The craft made a sharp turn while trying to avoid a missile. Arturo braced for the eventual impact which would eventually blow the Sparrow to pieces.

So what do you guys think?
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Staff member
umm... cool. its been a while (from never?) since there's been a more modern type story, so it has originality. Some suggestions are to make it more... um... grab-your-reader's-interest things at the beginings and the ends. For a begining, you could start with how the day is, a sudden important fact for the story, a shock to the reader, or just a calm statement about the charcters or story. As for the ending, I like to leave cliff hangers for people :D. Your story is a more modern type one so cliff hangers are perfect for you, like "As he gazed up, his face opened wide in fear and shock, for a large missile was blazing straight at him."

Anyways, nice story, can't wait for more. As for a title, you should give more information if you want us to help. Good start!
 

Syndrome

You can change this now in User CP.
what thewrongvine said, its been... actually, this probably IS the first modern time set story on thehelper.net, maybe...
well, heres some things you can change that will, in my opinion, make this story shine...:


1] Add more imagery! I have some difficulty trying to imagine what exactly was going on.
so, lets try the first few sentences: "Arturo launched a napalm rocket at the incoming enemy army. The missile exploded giving birth to a raging inferno of orange flames."

not bad, but here's what I'll try:
"Arturo's arms were flung back from the recoil of the Napalm launcher. Trails of suffocating smoke traced to the rocket as it exploded in a blinding flash of red light. Screams of agony and pain echoed as hungry, bright red flames devoured countless Communist rebels..."
Somewhat more descriptive, immerses the reader a bit more...

1.5] Unamed is spelt Unnamed :p

1.75 :p] "The entire area was devoid of dead bodies."
Devoid means empty... so..
"The entire area was empty of dead bodies..."??? :confused:
you mean something like "The entire area was riddled of smoking mutilated corpses." right?

-Later- OH I GET IT! the bodies are gone because the red light.... ahh...
but still, you should connect the "As if a flame had..." to the previous sentence with a comma...

2] Use of Acronyms...
So, here I am reading:
"...several M4A7's opening up at the enemy..."
"...called in a MOAB strike and..."
"...a B-108 flying overhead..."
and im going 0|\/|G! What the heck is a [insert bold thing here]?!???!!?

Try [though im not sure what an M4A7 is]:
"...several beams of bright red light tore through the enemy ranks, the blinding M4A7 laser guns incinerated all those who were caught in their paths of devestation..."
Get it? Try something that will sorta give the reader a sense of understanding...

3]
Capitalize accordingly:
things like "Sparrow hawk engines" should be "Sparrow Hawk engines..."
etc.

4]
In the army, a major and a general are two different ranks... to my knowledge anyways.
in the end, you said "major general" :p

This is a nice start to something new in thehelper.net, can't wait to see where you take this story. :D

Welcome to the writers corner :3
 

BANANAMAN

Resident Star Battle Expert.
Hmmm thanks...so the helper doesn't get much modern warfare stories?

Hmmm lets see i should be more descriptive...
Anything you guys could care to point out?


Oh and BTW the story is set in 2020 where the communists and the democratic capitalist nations will duke it out on one final battle to determine the faith of the world.
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Staff member
M4A7 is a type of machine gun, i think a carbine.

MOAB is short for Mother Of All Bombs. Its a military shortterm for using the.. MOAB which is VERY powerful hence the name "mother".

B-108 is a type of fighter jet - a Bomber to be more exact. The number is just the edition of it, like B-52 and stuff. Same goes for the M4A7 (think of AK47!!!) lol.

I might be wrong but I think I'm right cuz i play a LOT of military games and I have these 2 books - Encyclopedias of the US Military (LOL!)

Ok, to the topic of the story, kewl! and no, thehelper hasn't had any modern-warfare stuff... maybe I'll make one. :rolleyes: (and im not using it as rolleyes, im using it as thinking... :D)

When's the next chapters (and prolouge) coming out?
 

BANANAMAN

Resident Star Battle Expert.
Nah the M4A7 I created is a more powerful version of the M1A1 Abrams the US currently use


Maybe when i get around to refining them....
 

Demi666

New Member
I dont like it at all.

Bad start & bad ending & bad story

btw it looks like it starts in the middle of another story;S
 

Miz

Administrator
I dont like it at all.

Bad start & bad ending & bad story

btw it looks like it starts in the middle of another story;S
Why don't you tell him what he could do to make it less bad for your taste

Really I think some of the events happen a little too fast. You need more details and explain the event.
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Staff member
Yeah, its RUDE!!!!!!:mad: lol

Buy Bananananana...aa, your name ... oh wait.. BANANA - MAN! OHHH! I get it :banghead:. Ok, as i was saying, i think people mean it is too fast because the scenes are too fast - too much information in that little 2 - 4 paragraphs. About the M4A7 - oh, lol. If you need some names, i could... well, i cant physically give you my books... but i could help with some information on tanks/planes/rifles and stuff. Also, the prolouge and chapter 1 dont fit together...

You should fix those grammatic errors like putting SPACES between words and (.,!?) stuff. Type it in Micosoft Word and just Copy/Paste it so you get less errors.
 

Syndrome

You can change this now in User CP.
ahh... so this is more or less a beta-story?
awesome.
im gonna write another full-fledged review tommorrow, just got back from skiing.

"Really I think some of the events happen a little too fast. You need more details and explain the event." -Muzuio Ken

This is a suggestion Ninva ;)

anyways, great chapter 1 banaaan... banan.. bananaman :p
i look forward for more. my review will be up soon,.....
 

BANANAMAN

Resident Star Battle Expert.
If you guys must know the Prologue tells the start of communist hostilities towards non communist nations.

Chapter 1 is 5 years later in the Warsaw-NATO/SEATO War.
 

Pineapple

Just Smile.
It's his style of writing. You shouldn't judge that.
...what? yea, dont judge them for that. perhaps my 'style' would be poor grammer, spelling, and an obsession with '...' bordering on a fetish, but you cant mention it. :p

Sure we can judge what you think can be improved. If we all go around patting arses we would never get better.

-------------

now, for some critiquing.

~They are really short. I expected them to be perhaps a page (word) each. But they were about a paragraph. They should be longer.

~To fast! Whats happening? I just read two paragraphs and all i know is that there is some guys shootings communists. Yea, dont tell me why, but is that all i should know at this point?

~Paragraphing. They each look like 1 paragraph to me. In the forum, there is no tab. So substitue with a space in between the paragraphs.

~"Chapter 1 is 5 years later in the Warsaw-NATO/SEATO War."
Never said that.

~The names of the guns are a little... what? This may surprise you, but I never studied guns and military tanks. Why is that gun good? What is? Whats so great about that tank/plane/jeep/etc...

~Is this 3rd person limited? Becuase we have no idea what the main character is thinking. The last bit of the prologue seemed to imply that it was.

Your concept has potential. Try some brighter vocabulary, more description, and a slower pace. There are paragraphs in my text books bigger then those two chapters. :D
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Staff member
ya, bananaman (i finally got it right! i did, didn't i? :confused:) you should put on chapter one: 5 Years Later... - or something. That way, people actually know. :D and at the guy who had the really long review and i cant remeber the name so il just call him L(ong) R(eview) P(erson). At LVP, these are 'professional' books, lol. You have to know these army stuff, that's what makes it so coolio. Like using a MOAB, if you know what it is, you can picture it go BOOOOOOOOM! o_O. Bananaman, you should have a page that goes before the prolouge called "The Armory" or something. You would list the equipment, missile pods, guns, vehicles and stuff there. You should have lists of faction (its communist and what else?) divided into lists of type (tank, weapon, equipment) like that.

and yeah, maybe a little bit longer would be good.

M O A B!!!!!! AHAHHA (Mother Of All Bombs)
 

BANANAMAN

Resident Star Battle Expert.
Oh ok never thought about that...I suppose i can make it longer weird it seemed long enough when i wrote it on paper. And thats 2 1/2 pages. :p Alright long it shall be. I'll edit the first post when i have time.
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Staff member
Oh ok never thought about that...I suppose i can make it longer weird it seemed long enough when i wrote it on paper. And thats 2 1/2 pages. :p Alright long it shall be. I'll edit the first post when i have time.
what size? lol. see my Aidan Corp, LEPrecon story that i just started, look at that size page. on word times new roman size 12, that's 1 4/5 page.
 
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