Zakyath
Member
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Uh, I found this on my comp so I translated it. I think I wrote it about a year ago. Weird stuff.
It is long after midnight and the night is just like all the nights before: long, cold and alone. Heavy rain whips the large windows that cover the most of the north-west wall while I stare out with blank a gaze into the pitch black sky. Not a star. Not a sign of life. The streets are empty. The view from my apartment stretches over several streets of the district I live in. With pulsating music that fills my room and the head I close my eyes and dream of you. I only want you here, up close. Two bodies together, the intimate sin. I think that lust can be just as beautiful as love. This may be because love is something that I had never known; it only exists in films and books and all this crappy music they mass-produce and play on the radio. As surely everyone does I felt great desire for, well, intimate contact and all the emotions just sparkle around, not as described in any fantasy world, "quite wonderful, yet painful", it is the only one thing I dream for, not to learn to think how you think, dress in your breath or something else such. It is to become one with you, just one night. Then you can take and do what you want, as long as in doesn’t concern me, I’m happy.
Suddenly, it happens, you are in my arms. Tonight, untainted passion will have no control, your pure heart and your soul, tonight will not be forgotten. Then she asks if I ... I tell her the truth: "I'm sorry but it takes longer for me ..." She smiled and blushed, and she promised to make me go out of my mind. "I'm your best nightmare" she whisper, silent in my ear and I do not understand what she actually means. If there’s something special to understand. Maybe there isn’t. I do not even bother to care, so I just try to concentrate on what we’re doing, as she continues to grind. Though it is a bit difficult to concentrate since what she said quite disturbed me. But I am not here to think, certainly not tonight, I have other priorities. I want to focus more on the present, not disappear in my thoughts. This is a magical, long-awaited moment. I have to be present. I just have time to return to reality when she opens the mouth and skips for air. She puts her hand on her chest and I only believe that she’s coming. Then suddenly, she falls lifeless to one side and while she falls against the cold, shiny floor, a powerful lightning strike down and shakes the whole presence. It cannot be far away, since the sound came almost immediately. After having looked out to the window a few seconds, I pull myself together and I remember exactly what happened. I get down on my knees next to her sweet, pale body, which is lit up by the moonlight. I take her cold hand and check her pulse. She is gone. What was it really had happened? It was something that she had said but I could not really remember, I had just dismissed it. It had felt unnecessary. Perhaps I should listen more carefully. I had never felt this way before. I get a heavy feeling in my breast and I have no idea what to do. I feel guilty and believe I took someone's life. She just disappeared as a cold autumn breeze. It felt so worthless. All this happiness, pain and pleasure just melt together into infinity of nothing in me. Stiff and uncertain, I get up and walk towards to my tiny bar that I installed just several weeks ago where I totally absent pour myself something to drink from the closest bottle. I really do not know what I fill my glass with. I don’t care. I just want to get something strong, fast. How did a fantastic dream become such a nightmare? Was it I who had done this? How could I have done that? Was there anything I missed? It was something she said. I can’t recall what. I do not even know if I should care about this. I just want to die. It can only have been I who did it. I empty my glass and feel quite surprised when my pulse starts to increase; my heart is beating at least twice as fast as it should be. It is not every day that happens, so to speak. I hear my heart beat; it's loud and strong, as if it was a heart of stone who were trying to destroy me from within. I'm trying to focus my gaze to the bottle I just poured up a drink from. It is not my bottle. I have never seen it before. I'm too tired to understand, and I’m so cold. There is always a tomorrow when I can think of everything and go through from the start. I walk to bed and lie down beside to you. With half-open mouth I stutter something, but I do not know what. I don’t even have anything to say. I slowly stretch out my hand over your neck and look at your face. It is so beautiful and lifeless. Everything’s is coming to me now, but I reckon that it is too late. Is it my fault that I did not know where I would find the same happiness as were looking for?
Suddenly, it happens, you are in my arms. Tonight, untainted passion will have no control, your pure heart and your soul, tonight will not be forgotten. Then she asks if I ... I tell her the truth: "I'm sorry but it takes longer for me ..." She smiled and blushed, and she promised to make me go out of my mind. "I'm your best nightmare" she whisper, silent in my ear and I do not understand what she actually means. If there’s something special to understand. Maybe there isn’t. I do not even bother to care, so I just try to concentrate on what we’re doing, as she continues to grind. Though it is a bit difficult to concentrate since what she said quite disturbed me. But I am not here to think, certainly not tonight, I have other priorities. I want to focus more on the present, not disappear in my thoughts. This is a magical, long-awaited moment. I have to be present. I just have time to return to reality when she opens the mouth and skips for air. She puts her hand on her chest and I only believe that she’s coming. Then suddenly, she falls lifeless to one side and while she falls against the cold, shiny floor, a powerful lightning strike down and shakes the whole presence. It cannot be far away, since the sound came almost immediately. After having looked out to the window a few seconds, I pull myself together and I remember exactly what happened. I get down on my knees next to her sweet, pale body, which is lit up by the moonlight. I take her cold hand and check her pulse. She is gone. What was it really had happened? It was something that she had said but I could not really remember, I had just dismissed it. It had felt unnecessary. Perhaps I should listen more carefully. I had never felt this way before. I get a heavy feeling in my breast and I have no idea what to do. I feel guilty and believe I took someone's life. She just disappeared as a cold autumn breeze. It felt so worthless. All this happiness, pain and pleasure just melt together into infinity of nothing in me. Stiff and uncertain, I get up and walk towards to my tiny bar that I installed just several weeks ago where I totally absent pour myself something to drink from the closest bottle. I really do not know what I fill my glass with. I don’t care. I just want to get something strong, fast. How did a fantastic dream become such a nightmare? Was it I who had done this? How could I have done that? Was there anything I missed? It was something she said. I can’t recall what. I do not even know if I should care about this. I just want to die. It can only have been I who did it. I empty my glass and feel quite surprised when my pulse starts to increase; my heart is beating at least twice as fast as it should be. It is not every day that happens, so to speak. I hear my heart beat; it's loud and strong, as if it was a heart of stone who were trying to destroy me from within. I'm trying to focus my gaze to the bottle I just poured up a drink from. It is not my bottle. I have never seen it before. I'm too tired to understand, and I’m so cold. There is always a tomorrow when I can think of everything and go through from the start. I walk to bed and lie down beside to you. With half-open mouth I stutter something, but I do not know what. I don’t even have anything to say. I slowly stretch out my hand over your neck and look at your face. It is so beautiful and lifeless. Everything’s is coming to me now, but I reckon that it is too late. Is it my fault that I did not know where I would find the same happiness as were looking for?
