Urf the Manatee

[Renendaru]

This was written for a contest, enjoy.

Urf, that happy manatee,
Urf, that loss of sanity.
He's missed,
He's gone,
He's lost,
Soon to be burrowed 7 feet down.

Whether the weather will hold,
whether the tether which holds our trapped feelings will so so bold.
Bold,
To break,
To tear,
To make itself fool's gold in our eyes.

A waterfall, cascading so sudden.
A waterfall, cascading so blue.
A waterfall, as if it were our very eyes.
Dejected, this feeling I feel.
Loss, surrounding all sides.
Despair, as it settles in it clamps tight to my chest.
Acceptance, this feeble attempt to move on.
Our hearts, division is emminent, the crack will never be filled.

Never to be forgotten, never again.
His loss was just too much, too much to bear.
As if we lost a piece of our hearts, we'll miss you.
Urf. Urf the Manatee.

 

[Ninva]

http://leagueoflegends.wikia.com/wiki/Urf_The_Manatee

Despite the fact that I had little idea what you were writing about, I enjoyed this piece. It seemed rightly vague, and the emotion was surely there. But now that I realize it, I think writing about a video game character just seems shallow. Now I wished that I never looked up "Urf the Manatee."

Here are some tips.

Make sure you're using punctuation effectively. At times you use periods where they're not needed. I interpreted these errs as intentional pauses, which seemed to work nicely. It makes me glad to see that you're being creative with the English language, yet don't pretend to be e.e. cummings or Emily Dickens if you're not going to write like this purposely. However, I did enjoy the unique style. It really brought this poem to life.

The second stanza seems very odd. I can't judge if it's good or bad, but it makes sense and sounds pretty when read. The second line just looks strange though. It makes me want to skim through it.

Keep writing like this.

 

[Renendaru]

Here are some tips.

Make sure you're using punctuation effectively. At times you use periods where they're not needed. I interpreted these errs as intentional pauses, which seemed to work nicely. It makes me glad to see that you're being creative with the English language, yet don't pretend to be e.e. cummings or Emily Dickens if you're not going to write like this purposely. However, I did enjoy the unique style. It really brought this poem to life.

The second stanza seems very odd. I can't judge if it's good or bad, but it makes sense and sounds pretty when read. The second line just looks strange though. It makes me want to skim through it.

Keep writing like this.

This was written in 5 minutes and could have been much better, but this came to me in a sudden epiphany and wanted to leave it as is.

The second line in the second stanza was meant to portray how sudden his death was, and the extremity of the feelings which were being portrayed in the third stanza. A, sort of, foreshadowing.

The punctuation was meant to be read really slow, yet sounded rushed, then as it progressed, it was meant to be read faster and faster, yet again showing how sudden his death was. It was, kind of, used to increase the emotion of the piece. I suppose I didn't carry that out too well.

 

[Jimpy]

You may notice the colors are a bit brighter and a border is present.


Ninva raises an interesting point about authenticity of artistic creation, pivotal point of your poem being derived from a pre-made character. This would devalue the piece amongst critical-of-art-social-circles.

 

[Renendaru]

Ninva raises an interesting point about authenticity of artistic creation, pivotal point of your poem being derived from a pre-made character would devalue the piece amongst critical-of-art-social-circles.

This was written for a contest, so it was required to write about him. And I do agree with you, conforming is bad for your personal voice.

 

[Ninva]

Ninva raises an interesting point about authenticity of artistic creation, pivotal point of your poem being derived from a pre-made character. This would devalue the piece amongst critical-of-art-social-circles.

Honestly, it doesn't really bother me all that much. But it did sap away my excitement. I thought I was going to dig into something really unique, but it turns out to be fanfiction. That's alright though. The poem was still good.

 

[Renendaru]

Honestly, it doesn't really bother me all that much. But it did sap away my excitement. I thought I was going to dig into something really unique, but it turns out to be fanfiction. That's alright though. The poem was still good.

Well, I may write something original in the future, but I just felt inspired to write this for the contest, why take it seriously. o.o

 

[Jimpy]

Well, I may write something original in the future, but I just felt inspired to write this for the contest, why take it seriously. o.o

Literature is serious business.