Short Story Well

Varine

And as the moon rises, we shall prepare for war
I posted this about a year ago when I was first working on it. I recently went through and did a more thorough revision and edit, changing some sentences around and trying to make it more fluid. Anyway, this is more or less a final version of the story and I thought I'd throw it up here, maybe get some comments from people who are not related to me, which currently accounts most of the people who have read it.

27 pages, some 14,000 words.

I think a few people have read the other versions when it was a WIP, but for those that haven't, this is basically a love story about two teenagers and the fallout their short-lived relationship.
 

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thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Staff member
I remember reading this awhile back.
To be honest, it's really... nice reading this, after all the pretentious and superficial stuff I've been reading for college courses. This seems very real, genuine, straightforward.

pg 16: "I looked in a raw amazement" should be without the 'a'?

I think I saw a few other things around. Sorry, am too tired to find them again.

I really like this. It's... sad. The happy moments are really bright. But then you're able to feel as the character feels I think, sad again in the end. I almost see myself hoping for him to "win" in the end and not do it, but I guess he explains his reasoning well.

I accidentally opened my scriptwriting software while reading this and I could not help of thinking of this as a short feature film.
 

Varine

And as the moon rises, we shall prepare for war
Yeah at one point I was going to try that but it never happened (the film thing). Just couldn't really get myself totally into the sheer amount of work that is, although I agree, I think it would be an awesome short film. I also tried to expand it into a longer little novella of sorts that could be published stand alone, but I couldn't do it. It was just like, trying to find ways to expand it for the sake of expanding it, dumb.

And as for the spelling/syntax errors, I'm sure there are still some around. In the specific sentence you cited, I'm not entirely sure, but I'm pretty sure I put the article there intentionally for some reason.
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Staff member
If you ever want to maybe develop this into some sort of film production in the future, I'd love to help (as that is what I am studying).
 

Varine

And as the moon rises, we shall prepare for war
I don't know much about film, but I'd be down to try and see if anything happens. Send me a message some time with what you were thinking?
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Staff member
Sure, sounds good. I'm still learning a lot myself, ha, but once I get more production experience in the future I'll message you. I'd think like working on a screenplay together, something that can translate visually but also keep the characters/ideas you had in mind. Whenever I see book-film adaptations, I personally want the original author to be involved and don't like when the studios take out the author's say, so I guess what I meant is like to write a script that would be interesting visually with the actors but also stay true to what you wanted to say.
 

Varine

And as the moon rises, we shall prepare for war
What are you studying? I mean obviously you said film, but like directing, or just the filming process in general? It seems like a fairly large field of expertise.
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Staff member
Film Production is the general title of our major but I will have a directing concentration. Though that doesn't mean much, just a few slightly different courses. I'll be studying a bit of everything: screenwriting, cinematography, producing, directing. The directing part pretty much depends on the individual person doing projects of his/her own outside the coursework.
 

Syndrome

You can change this now in User CP.
Very nicely written. It's really tragic. I'll go into more detail later, but just letting you know I enjoyed it. It's really gritty; something I want to learn how to do.
 

Varine

And as the moon rises, we shall prepare for war
Very nicely written. It's really tragic. I'll go into more detail later, but just letting you know I enjoyed it. It's really gritty; something I want to learn how to do.
Thanks! I'm going to actually have to go through it one more time because I'm publishing it onto Kindle and need to find all the grammatical and syntactic errors (I know there are a few), but I think that, for the most part, I've got the structure more or less where I want it there are a couple of segments I want to change around a little bit, but it wouldn't be very noticeable.

However, the title is somewhat... vague. Anyone have any comments on it? I kind of dropped the ball on it I think (most of what I plan on changing before publishing it is somewhat related to the title. It specifically revolves around the end, where I'm moving a couple of words around. I want a different paragraph to end in '... well.')
 

WildTurkey

Previously known as giv_me_rep
Varine man this is heavy. If this is true, which I get the impression it is, I am so sorry. I haven't read a piece like this in a long time.
 

Varine

And as the moon rises, we shall prepare for war
Yes. It is very true, because clearly I shot myself at 20 something.
 

WildTurkey

Previously known as giv_me_rep
Figured it could be based on a true story. It's pretty heavy to be entirely fictional or maybe you just have a dark mind?
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Staff member
He fictionally has a dark story that is based entirely on a true mind.

Well, actually, he did miss those 20 shots at point blank range so all is well!
 

Varine

And as the moon rises, we shall prepare for war
It wasn't that dark. I mean, it took a long time, and like any artistic project I used some of my experiences and familiarities, but it's not like a sequence of events that happened. I also got good at methods of controlling emotions and mood at will (like method acting, only for writing).
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Very powerful, because it is so honest. Obviously some grammatical and stylistic mistakes, its going to happen in any work of any length, but it didn't take away from the story. (specifically from what I remember you used the word 'jest' when 'joked' would have fit better in a contemporary setting like this, and you said 'would it not?" where 'wouldn't it' probably would be better for same reason). Oh, and the light from the sun takes 8 seconds, not 8 minutes. But a well-written piece overall. It feels weird to say I enjoyed it, because it is a dark piece. So instead I guess I'll say I value the time I spent reading it, it wasn't wasted :)
 
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