Who says there are no more great writers in the US?

Prometheus

Everything is mutable; nothing is sacred
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Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers
across the country Here are last year's winners:

Very Funny

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge
at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for awhile.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24 It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
powertools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.
 

Darkchaoself

What is this i dont even
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106
The pure stupidity makes these hilarious XD

Favorite might be 3, 7 ,14 or 22 :p
3 and 14 are just so stupid how they do that run on sentence thing, 22 kind of does it too, but not as good lol

Other Favorites are 11 and 16, and 2 more i dont feel like looking for xD

Deff Rep like the pwnage of a noob being called nooblet
 

Prometheus

Everything is mutable; nothing is sacred
Reaction score
591
Do not drink something when reading this one....milk + nose = ouch.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.
 

sqrage

Mega Super Ultra Cool Member
Reaction score
515
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

Lmao that's awesome. I think it's a reference to the math section of the same test, they always have those train questions. :banghead:
 

trb92

Throwing science at the wall to see what sticks
Reaction score
142
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

Yeah, cause that's a compliment everyone wants to hear. #3 is by far my favourite, though.
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Reaction score
506
Haha, those long ones that have stupid comments are like Inspector Cruso or whatever his name is from pink panther. :D

~Hai-Bye-Vine~
 
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