World of Chaos Chapter 1

Discussion in 'The Writer's Corner' started by Worldofchaos, Jan 13, 2007.

  1. Worldofchaos

    Worldofchaos Guest

    +0 / 0 / -0
    I just joined, and decided to post the first chapter of my story, tell me what you think.


    It is the year AD (After Destruction) 125, The world is in total Chaos, every know evil walks the planet, like ordinary people. Death is not a uncommon thing, it doesn’t even affect people anymore. The world is run by a government called “The Core”. this government is run by the Dominate 7, the leader of the Dominate 7 is, Minzara Skyes, a wise, but extremely evil individual. They are known for striking fear, and self doubt into people, to achieve there goals. They have killed countless people, without even blinking, just so they could rule the world. There are still a few nations that aren’t under there tyranny , these nations are, The Kingdom of Hive, and The Asian Elite. Both of these Nations have incredible power. Most of the outside world doesn’t know much about them, but the Kingdom of Hive, is always at war with “The Core”. Many young people, want to join “The Core”, “The Core” has brained washed most of the youth into thinking what they do, is right, and that they are good. Many young men, die, day after day, to serve “The Core” and the evil wishes of the dominate 7, and Minzara Skyes. Except one man, or one boy some might say. This boy intends to destroy all of dominate 7, even if it kills him in the long run.

    Chapter 1
    The Boy with the Robot Arm

    The streets are dark stuck in a eternal night, a boy comes out of a dumpster in a alleyway, unwrapping himself, of garbage, and other things, he cloths are torn, and it doesn’t look like he has taken a bath in years, his hair is long, down to his sides, he has a full grown beard, and has ripped shoes, he looks about thirty right now, but this boy is really eighteen. He staggers across the streets, looking for food. As he continues forward out of the alley, he looks up, and see’s a sign for “The Core”, a smile appears on his face, as he lightly says “My dream…”. He continues out of the alley, as he walks down the streets, people don’t even notice he is there, they just walk past him as if he is just any other person, also , none of these people have any nice looking cloths, it seems everyone is just worn down, and homeless. The boy continues along his path, stumbling like a drunk, until he makes it to a food store. He looks through the window, and smiles, he walks in, and casually walks about, he slowly grabs different sorts of food, chips, candy bars, and so on then he walks out. He isn’t noticed at all. As if this is a normal thing, as he walks out he looks to his left, and see’s some cops, they are currently making a drug deal. As the boy goes to walk away, he hears gunfire, he looks back to see what happened, the cops have shot the people they were selling the drugs with, and are now stealing everything they own, without trying to hide it all. The boy chuckles “What a Wonderful world.” he continues on his way. He walks into a alley, and takes out the food, and eats it like a animal, as if he hasn’t eaten in years, throwing the food to the side after he is done like a mad beast. As he eats, A old man wearing even worse cloths, comes up to the boy. The guy says nicely “Can.. I have.. some to ..please?” The boy smiles, and gives the old man some of his food, but quickly gets up and moves on his way. He thinks to himself “Cant trust anyone these days”. The boy continues to walk the streets, slowly just looking around seeing people being beaten down by cops. He comes across another “The Core” sign. He thinks to himself, “Today is finally the day Alice, Dad, mother. I have officially become a warrior, a warrior fit to destroy “The Core” I will take revenge on Minzara Skyes, and make sure he pays for his crimes.” He smiles once again, and slowly heads towards the registration area. He finally comes across “The Core” registration area, he smiles, and continues in, he looks around to see that this place is very different from the outside world. everything here is rich, no dirt to be seen, all the employees are in nice clean uniforms, he sees a couple other people signing up, all in much nicer cloths then he has, he see’s a clerk, he heads to the clerk.
    The clerk smiles and says,” Hi sir, how may I help you today?”
    The boy smiles, “I Just turned 18, and I am thinking of joining “The Core”, how would I go about doing this?”
    The lady smiles. “Well it is real simple, just sign this paper, and take the placement, and physical tests, to see if you are qualified to join “The Core”, she hands him a paper. He smiles, and takes the paper with him, and sits down. He slowly looks over it, It says at the top, Name, Middle, First, and Last, he picks up a Pen, that was on the clipboard, and fills in Rafe, for his first name, and Winter for his last name, he thinks about that fact he doesn’t have a middle name, so he decides to leave it blank. He continues to fill in all the areas, eyes, blue, hair, brown, until his finishes.
    He takes the paper up to the clerk, and says “Here you go!”
    The lady smiles. “Rafe Winter?, that’s a nice name, just wait here please, I will be right back.” Rafe nods, and continues back to his seat, he slowly looks around at the nice place, he sees other people signing up, they all seem a littler richer then he is, but that doesn’t matter to him, as long as he can join “The Core” he will be happy. He puts his feet up on another chair, and puts his hands behind his head, and relaxes until the clerk comes back. The clerk returns after about ten minutes.
    “Rafe, this way please” as she signals him to head to the back, Rafe smiles and heads that way, as he is walking to the back she continues to talk “ Rafe, we will be doing the physical test first, to see how strong your body is, after that we will do the placement test.”
    Rafe nods “Yes, Ma’am”, they continue down the hallway, until they get to a room that has about hundred other young men, about Rafe’s age, they all seem to be a lot more well off then Rafe, wearing suits, and such.
    The lady smiles. “This way Rafe, go in there, the physical test will begin soon, good luck”.
    Rafe smiles and nods, but before she walks away he stops her, and asks. “Lady, may I ask your Name?”
    She smiles “ Its Sally, Thanks for asking” she smiles again, and walks down the hallways, Rafe watches, as his eyes, slowly glance down at her ass, and he smiles even more, and walks into the room. As he enters the room. All the people look at Rafe with a evil look, as if he is a lowlife, that doesn’t belong there, Rafe just smiles, and continues on his way, ignoring them all. It isn’t a very big room it has about hundred young men there, with a stage at the front.
    Rafe hears a couple of the boys saying “Look at that boy, he looks so weak and stupid, how about we kick his ass”. Rafe just laughs, at the comment, and continues on.
    He walks slowly past all of the kids, but one stands in front of him, and has a grin on his face “what is a reject like you trying to join the core for? I will kick your ass, you low life piece of shit” Rafe just smiles, and tries to walk past the boy, the boy puts his foot in front of Rafe, and says “where do you think your going, I asked you a question, you should give me a answer, lowlife.” Rafe just smiles again, and tries to continue to walk on, the boy gets angry, and punches Rafe right in the face, blood comes flowing out of Rafes mouth, the blood splats onto the ground, Rafe then falls on the ground, the boy kicks Rafe a few times on the ground, and says loudly “look at this weakling, do you want weak a piece of shit like this in “The Core”, he laughs loudly. Rafe Gets up, wipes the blood off his mouth, and continues forward, looking at the sign of “The Core”. The Sign of the core has two swords, crossed between Minzara Skyes face, its says “Fight for the future” on the swords, he smiles and continues to walk forward looking at that sign. The boy chuckles, and says, “what a weakling”. After a few minutes, a man comes out on stage, as soon as he comes out on stage.
    The whole crowd gets in a up roar, saying “Minzara Skyes here, why? This is such a great honor.”
    The boy that beat up Rafe earlier says “It must be because of me” he laughs. Rafe looks up to see Minzara, he is wearing a business suit, that is black, he has Short spiky black hair, and a goatee, his eyes are very deep, you can get lost in them easily, they are dark blue. He wears black boots.
    Minzara grins and looks upon all of the people, and he thinks to himself “I doubt anyone of these people will last the psychical test.” He then holds is hand up, the crowd goes silent, he begins to speak. “Hello my fellow man, you come here today, because you want to fight, you want to fight for a dream, or a love one, whatever your goal is, we are all united here today, under “The Core” .We “The Core” want only peace in this world, so we use force to make it so, to some people they think this is wrong, but if it wasn’t for us, the world would have died, after the nuclear war, but we came up and changed everything, and rebuilt the world, you all come here today to defend that, and to defend are people from outsiders who wish to destroy that.” He takes a moment to look around, and then says, “all of you will be taking many different physical tests today, to all of you who past them, you well be in the core, but for all those who fail, there is always next time, now let it begin, your first physical test is in the other room” he points to a door, “good luck everyone!” Everyone slowly walks towards the door,
    Rafe smiles and says to himself, “good at acting aren’t you Minzara Skyes?” Rafe continues to the door.
    In the next room all the people enter to see a weight lifting room, Rafe smiles. A instructor comes up, and looks over them all. The instructor is wearing a basic “The Core“ uniform, with a few medals on it. The instructor thinks to himself , “what a bunch of weaklings this year.” He then looks at Rafe, and smiles “On second thought, this could be interesting. The instructor looks over everyone, and says “If you can lift your own body weight, you will pass this test. Its that simple” All the people line up, and begin to lift the weights.
    The cocky boy that beat up Rafe earlier, goes up and lifts four hundred pounds, all the other people are surprised, as he gets up, “I am the strongest here”, as the cocky boy waves his arms in the air, and continues to shout “I am the strongest!” Rafe smiles and waits for his turn. A couple of the boys fail, and some walk away crying, Rafe laughs at them in his head. His turn comes up, and he gets under the weights, He whispers something to the person who puts the weights on, the persons eyes open wide, and Rafe smiles, the person puts the weights on, Rafe Smiles, and lifts it up, as if it was nothing.
    Everyone is laughing , saying “I wonder what the weak boy is lifting , something like ten pounds, ” they look closely at the weights to see two thousand pounds on the weight measurement, all of there mouths drops.
    The cocky boy from earlier eyes open wide, he says, “what are you?”
    Rafe smiles, gets up and places his hand on cocky boys shoulder, and squeezes a little, making the cocky boy fall to one knee an says , “A machine.” Rafe walks away, and continues to the next room. In the next Room, There is a couple of running tracks that loop around in a room, the same instructor comes up and tells everyone “you have to run for 30 minutes straight, and whoever lasts these thirty minutes moves on to the next psychical test, yet again, this should be simple”, all the people head toward the track and start running, Rafe does the same.
    As Rafe is running, the cocky kid comes up next to him, and bumps into him, “you think you were cool, by lifting that two thousands pounds, huh? I know what you are, you are one of those cyber people, your not even human, you have no heart, I wish you would just die, and save us all some trouble, no one loves you.” Rafe just chuckles and continues to run, ignoring his comments, as if he was stupid. The cocky boy fumes, and kicks Rafe right in the legs, tripping him. Rafe goes rolling across the ground into the wall in front of him. The cocky boy yells “ha!, look at Mr. I can lift two thousands pounds now, he must have cheated or something! Maybe did a little sucky sucky to the instructor, so he could put on that show.”
    Rafe gets up slowly, looks at the boy, and smiles and says, “must have.” An he continues to run. Cocky boy fumes again, and continues to run. After awhile all the kids but Rafe, and the cocky kid are tired and collapse, but Rafe and cocky boy are still running, and running. Eventually the time runs out at 30 minutes. Cocky boy, and Rafe are the only two left standing.
    The instructor comes up to them an nods an puts his hands on both there shoulders, “’looks like you’re the only two to make it to the final round, be strong, and bring honor to “The Core” and tells them to move on to the next move. Rafe smiles and nods, and moves to the next room.
    Cocky boy fumes again, “Don’t put be in the same league with this loser!” He stomps his way to the next room. In the next room, there is a mat, with twelve people around it, including Minzara. They all are standing around, each of them in a Core high ranked uniform, except Minzara, the uniforms looks very similar to any normal army high ranked officer would have. A blue type suit, with medals on the right chest of each of them.
    Minzara smiles, “ I see you two are the only ones that made it, this is going to be hard to hear, but only one of you may pass from here, this means, you two must fight, too see who is going to join, and who is better all together, We have no need for weaklings in “The Core”. Rafe smiles.
    The cocky boy says, “your going to make a high class fighter like me fight this wimp? I have already kicked his ass two times, a third wont be a problem, I’ll finish him in one punch,” he laughs. Rafe takes off his torn shirt, to reveal a scar on his back, the scar is of a cross, with a snake wrapped around it. Minzara looks like it with a bit of surprise, and gets up slowly, looks at it a bit and walks out. Everyone looks at Minzara strangely, but they say nothing. The cocky boy laughs, and says “I guess he didn’t want to see the beating I’m about to give this wimp ass bitch.” Rafe just smiles, as he takes off his ripped shoes, everyone covers there noses from the smell, and he chuckles, he does a kip up, and goes to the center of the mat. Cocky boy takes off his suit, and his shoes also, and gets into the center of the mat, and says “you ready for a ass whopping?”
    Rafe smiles and says “sure, can I get your name first?”
    The cocky kid nods, and says, “John Smith, not that you well remember it after I scrabble your brains”. Rafe smiles.
    One of the eleven people say “begin!”, John runs at Rafe, swinging with his right hand, Rafe doesn’t dodge, and takes the punch right in the face, blood comes flowing out of his nose, and mouth, and he falls about three feet back. All the eleven people looked surprised.
    John asks, “why didn’t you dodge?” Rafe staggers up, and grins, his face is covered in blood from his nose, and the blood is dripping on the ground.
    Rafe looks at John, “you said you would finish me in one, punch!” As soon as he said punch, he jumps up from the ground punching John straight in the face, breaking all his front teeth, and his nose, blood comes flowing from his face and spiting on the ground, John continues to fly through the wall that is behind him, knocked out. Rafe stands up, you see sparks flying from his hand and blood dripping from it, as you see a part of his mental robot arm, and he grins.
  2. Curuinor

    Curuinor New Member

    +7 / 0 / -0
    Because I am not the nicest person on Earth, I shall criticize your writing first and give suggestions later.

    Some inconsistancies:

    The Core is a gigantic omnination with limitless powers, led by an aristocracy led by a dictator. Why the hell does the dictator have to survey every single soldier that enters the Core's army? Is this officer training?

    You switch tenses. Bad author.

    Rafe Snow, Miranda Skyes, John Smith: One of those names do not belong.

    Maybe have some fun with synonyms.

    Having your main character say that he's robotic then showing he's robotic is not proper foreshadowing. You better not make him destroy the empire. . ..

    slowly glance down at her ass

    Bad author.

    Death doesn't affect people anymore? People are immortal?

    Again, if it's not officer training, than why do they only accept one candidate for the Core?


    Proof. Copy. Proofread. Anything you want to publish, whether in book or on internet, should be thoroughly proofread.

    Give us some more at a time so we can judge your symbols and themes better(e. g. that scar and the arm).

    Give some more attention to the contrast between the baseness of the outside of the complex and the cleanliness of the insides. Why does John Smith talk like a cur, even though he is, assuredly, of a higher class than Rafe?
  3. Halahan

    Halahan To die will be an awfully big adventure.

    +53 / 0 / -0
    Everything he said, plus, it seemed a bit to quick, automatically admitted. Idk... just wasn't my cup of tea.
  4. DM Cross

    DM Cross You want to see a magic trick? Staff Member

    +570 / 1 / -0
    Is it me, or are all of these "chapter 1"s way too short to ever really be a book? I mean, most of what I've seen wouldn't make it to be more than 2, maybe 3 pages...
  5. Worldofchaos

    Worldofchaos Guest

    +0 / 0 / -0
    Okay, to respond to you what you said.......

    He doesnt...hence why if you "read" they all say.

    After a few minutes, a man comes out on stage, as soon as he comes out on stage.
    The whole crowd gets in a up roar, saying “Minzara Skyes here, why? This is such a great honor.”

    Impying...he doesn't normally come to these things.

    You spelled two of the name wrongs...<.< At anyrate, This is a world where the old, new, and completely mystical. Has formed into one. I try to represent with type of names.

    How is that not proper forshadowing? Just wondering

    No, meaning Death is so common, that people arent even effected by it.

    That will be later explained, trying to get all the answers from the first chapter isnt my cup of tea, i like to be kept in the sidelines, so i can be surprised later.

    Haha, not all higher class people are like, saying that is like saying that i should have all black guys talk in slang. I dont sterotype my friend.

    Thanks for your advice.
  6. Worldofchaos

    Worldofchaos Guest

    +0 / 0 / -0
    Not really the final draft, but even so, I tend not to write to the standards of most writers. I like to be different, so it may, or may not be alot longer in the long run.

  7. XXXconanXXX

    XXXconanXXX Cocktails anyone?

    +277 / 0 / -0
    I tend to do that too. Instead of having 20 or so chapters, mine are usually (planned to be, anyways) around 50 or so chapters.

    Anyways, good chapter. Not too bad. The present tense writing of it just doesn't seem to fit the story, however.
  8. sqrage

    sqrage Moderator Staff Member

    +508 / 0 / -0
    I read the first paragraph and too many sentences start with "they" and "many". Also, try using different words for "'the core'"
  9. Worldofchaos

    Worldofchaos Guest

    +0 / 0 / -0
    True, i guess i should switch it up a bit.
  10. Worldofchaos

    Worldofchaos Guest

    +0 / 0 / -0
    This is chapter 2, like i said, the story is still in rewrite phase, but your comments are welcome.

    Chapter 2
    The History of Rafe

    Rafe clean shaven now, and with a haircut, his hair is now short, and messy. Rafe sits in a chair in a waiting room. He is now in a Core army suit, no badges or anything, its what a private would normally wear. He is waiting for his first mission, as he waits, he looks up at the ceiling, for the first time in many years, he remembers that incident, the incident that change his life, that made him what he is now, a machine. He is smiling as usual, until he remembers this horrible incident, a frown appears on his face, if you could look into his eyes, at that very moment, you could see the whole story flash by, the endless void of sadness that fills his eyes, is unbearable.

    A young boy comes running across a filed, in a old worn down village. It looks as if no technology has reached this place, they have no phones , no lights, nothing. The young boy is smiling and laughing, he looks about ten years old. As the boy runs across the field another kid, a girl runs close behind, she is giggling and laughing, as she chases after the boy yelling “Rafe! wait up, your running too fast!” Rafe stops but stops so fast, the girl bumps into him. She falls on the ground, not to hard though.
    Rafe laughs “Alice, you told me to stop” he laughs again.
    Alice looks angry, and tackles Rafe to the ground. “That wasn’t funny Rafe!” They rumble around the ground for about 5 minutes, until a fatter friend comes along, and decides to do a belly flop on the both of them. Luckily they notice him, and move out of the way in time. The fat kid falls straight on the ground, right on his belly.
    Rafe shouts “watch what your doing Fat ass!”
    Alice slaps Rafe, and says, “what did you parents say about using those words?!”
    Rafe smiles and laughs. “Sorry, I forgot, anyway, Carl, what took you so long?”
    Carl, the fat kid, sighs, “You know I can’t keep up with you guys, your too fast.”
    Rafe Laughs, “maybe you should get rid of those” he pokes Carl in the belly “ access pounds.” Rafe falls on the ground laughing ,“get it?! His fat..” He continues to laugh.
    Carl gets angry and tackles Rafe, “that’s it Rafe, your getting a beating today!”
    Rafe laughs as he gets tackled, “oh I’m scared of the big fat man, he might suficate me to death.”
    Alice kicks Carl out of Rafe, “you two stop it, your acting like kids!”
    Rafe laughs, “we are kids.”
    Alice shakes his head, “I know that, I am just saying you should try to act a little more mature.”
    Carl nods, “ya, Rafe you play to much, you have grow up sometime.”
    Rafe looks with shock, “grow up, I am ten years old, why the hell do I have to grow up yet, I got a long time before adult hood.”
    Alice shake her head, “doesn’t hurt to try a little, your so immature sometimes Rafe.”
    Carl sighs “Rafe we should get going home, or our parents will ground us for weeks, and also you got that test tomorrow.”
    Rafe nods ,“yeah, and we don’t want that do we fatty!” Rafe punches Carl in the stomach then runs towards his house.
    Carl yells, “you bastard, grow up!” Carl runs after Rafe.
    Alice sighs, “Rafe…”
    Rafe stops all the sudden, as he see’s Carl heading towards him, he yells real fast, “stop fatty, this is where we go are separate ways, your house is that way.“
    Carl stops, “ Ya, I guess so, I will get you back for hitting me tomorrow.” Carl goes to walk away, “see you later,” he runs off. Shelly Looks at Rafe and smiles, and signals him towards her.
    He comes, and she says “ Good luck tomorrow, with your test” she kisses him on the cheek, and runs off. He holds his cheek, blushing, and has a stunned face. He then smiles and continues home.

    Rafe house is basically a cabin, looks like something out of the old days. As Rafe approaches the house he yells “Mom, I am home!’ he runs through the front door, and looks about. His mom is cooking dinner, and preparing today’s meal, why his farther isn’t home yet, like usual. His dad usually works till real late at night, so they have food to eat, and a place to live. He works in the city, and is the only person in the village to have a car. Rafe, and his mother both don’t know what he does, but it makes enough money, for them all the live peacefully. “Mom, when will dad be home tonight, I want him to help me review for my test.”
    Rafe’s mom smiles. “He should be home soon, you just wait,” as she says that, a car pulls up outside.
    Rafe yells, “Dad!” He runs out the front door, and to the car, and gives his Dad a hug. His dad is in a business suit, and is wearing glasses. He has short hair, and is clean shaven.
    He smiles at Rafe, and pats him on his head. “Rafe, you want me to help you with your test homework, right? Or you wouldn‘t be so nice to me.”
    Rafe smiles, and puts his hands behind his back. “Yep dad, I will pass this test, and prove to everyone I am not stupid!”
    Rafe’s dad laughs, “everyone knows your not stupid, your just stubborn, and only listen to yourself, you pick up too much up from your farther,” he smiles at Rafe. They both look at each other, and start laughing. They both head into the house, Rafe’s dad gives Rafe’s mom, a kiss, and hugs her. “ How was your day, Sarah?”
    She smiles. “It was fine Page, how about you?” He nods, and continues to the dinner table, and waits to eat. “Aren’t you going to change, baby?”
    Page just laughs. “Nah, I am fine, I don’t feel like changing at the moment.”
    Sarah sets the food on the table, “time to eat, get in here Rafe.”
    Rafe runs into the room, and jumps onto his chair, “here!” They eat dinner, and Page changes his cloths afterwards, and then helps Rafe study for his test, afterwards, he sends Rafe to bed as he looks at him “You need to get up early for the test, Rafe.”
    Rafe smiles, “I know, I will prove I ain’t stupid, and there is a reason why you’re my father.”
    Page questions Rafe, “what?”
    Rafe sighs, “your so smart, and have a great job, and can do all the stuff. You help towns people with your intelligence, but me, I aint so smart. So they kids at school excuse you of not being my real father, and I am the mail mans kid, or something messed up like that.”
    Page shakes his head, “those are just kids being kids, don’t worry about what they say, it wont matter in many years, when you have the good job like me, and there outside a mall pinching for pennies.
    Rafe smiles, “ya, your right Dad, I love you!”
    Page smiles, “I love you too, Rafe.” Page leaves the room. Rafe falls asleep quickly, smiling, thinking how great tomorrow will be.

    Rafe gets woken up in the middle of the night, by screams, and the sounds of gun shots. He walks out of his room to see what it is, too find his mom down stairs dead, she looks like she was shot in the back, as her blood covers the floor around her. Rafe screams ,“MOM!” as he runs up to her, trying to revive her, as she just lies motionless. He begins to cry, as he looks at his hands, to see them covered in his moms blood, he freaks out “Mom! No! What happened! Who the fuck did this?! I‘ll fucking kill them! Come back mom!” Rafe runs out the front door trying to find out who did this. He looks out the front door, to see the whole village on fire, and the fields around it on fire. He looks about in fear, to see towns people shot, cut, and even burnt, at first he closes the door in fear. Then he thinks about Alice and where his dad might be, and even Carl, so he throws open the door, running towards Alice’s house. He hides about, so he wont be seen, he looks at the people burning the town. They all are wearing Black business suits, and there is about 7 of them, but he can‘t make out what they look like. He see’s Carl house, as one of the men, looks to be wearing something a little different then the rest of them, but Rafe can’t make it out, picks Carl up by the neck, and bites into it, as blood spouts out everywhere, and Carl screams in pain, then dies. Rafe looks in horror, as his eyes start to water, “No, Carl.” He runs off towards Alice’s house. He makes it to Alice’s house, to see it on fire, he is scared that she might be dead, he doesn’t care about anything, and jumps into the house, trying to find her. He runs about the house looking for her, he hears a faint crying, and he heads towards its. He ends up in the bath room, where he finds both of Alice’s parents, hung over the bathtub, they both are on fire, it looks like they were just caught on fire, as they are still moving a bit “ Alice’s mom and dad, where is Alice!?”
    They both say in a low voice. “Under us, get her out of her before the house burns down” Rafe nods, as he moves them apart, he sees Alice there, crying. She sees Rafe and jumps into his arms.
    He smiles. “Come on, where getting out of here” he takes her by her arms and heads towards the front door.
    She stops though “What about mommy, and daddy?“ she cries.
    Rafe looks at her “We can’t save them, look at them, they are done for. They wish for you to live, respect there wishes,” she cries even more, as she attempts to struggle, but Rafe takes her my the arms, “Alice! You’re the one always telling me to act mature, will I am right now, and the only way to save you now, to leave them here, to give a old life for a new, now come!”
    Alice yells, “No! Stop this is different this is my mom and dad, I don’t want to live without them!”
    Rafe doesn’t listen to hear, “enough Alice, lets go!” An pushes her along. Before he can make it to the door, and house starts to cave in, and it caves in on top of both of them. Rafe wakes up a few seconds later, to see his arm has been completely severed , it was the same arm that was holding Alice, he looks around trying to find Alice, knocking around the logs that our on fire, he doesn‘t even think about his arm that is no longer there. He cannot find her anywhere, “Alice! Where are you, don’t you fucking die on me! I will save you, I wont fail you!“ Before he turns on fire, his dad comes running into the fire where he is, taking him out, and carrying him to the outside. Rafe is screaming the whole time “No! I have to save Alice! Let me go, you old bastard! Alice!” Page puts Rafe down on the ground, and looks at his burnt off arm, and looks at Rafes face, the tears from Rafe’s face seem to be never ending, he looks at his dad and begins to hit him with his good arm “Why!? Why did you save me, I don’t want to live without Alice, Carl and mommy, I don’t want to be left alone, I won’t ever hear them laugh, cry, or smile ever again!”
    Page looks at Rafe, then hugs him. “It’s Okay,” Rafe continues to cry in his dads arm.
    Then Page hears, “so there he is, the traitor of this very village, and the traitor of us, took us forever to find you Page, you made things hard for us.” Page stands up, and looks at the man, the man is wearing a black suit, he is a bigger guy, about 7’0”, he has a shotgun in his hands, and Giant Axe on his back. He is about five feet wide, and very muscled.
    Page sighs, “how did you find this place?”
    The big man laughs, “it was quite simple, with Minzaras power we can find out anything we want, it was just a matter of time, you didn’t think you could beat “The Core” did you?”
    Page shakes his head, “wasn’t me goal to beat you, but perserve, him.” He points at Rafe.
    The big man laughs, “Minzara has plans for that boy, he has great potenial, but then again you know all about that don’t you Page?”
    Page growls, “leave him out of this!”
    The big man laughs, “you know we cant do that, and he was oringnal ours in the first place, you fool.”
    Page yells at Rafe, “Rafe, run! Please god run!” He continues to stare at the man “So your one of the dominate 12 now, huh?”
    The big guy laughs, “will it’s the Dominate 7 now, after what you did, now look what has happen, your such a stupid old man.” The buy looks at Rafe, “you know I always wondered, if this boy, this Rafe was so special, and powerful, I wonder what would happen if.” The big guy aims the gun at Rafe, “I try to blow his brains out.” The big guy fires at Rafe, but Page jumps in the way, taking the shot right in the chest. Blowing his whole rib cage out, and all the blood spiting all over Rafe. Page falls to the ground dead. “Ha-ha! What a silly old man, I guess its time to have fun with you boy!” He aims the gun at Rafe. Rafe’s eyes open wide, as he sees his father dead, his tears flow even more, as his tears mix with the blood on his face making a new color.
    Before the big guy fires, his shotgun his chopped in half. “Spare this one Cyber man , I have goals for him” The man is Minzara, a much younger version, but it is him. Minzara walks up the boy, and grabs him by the throat an lifts him into the air “ Boy, If you hate me, and disgust me, and wish for my death, live in a unsightly way, and live in fear of this day, live to become like us, live to hate, and despise everything. If you want to kill me, become me, I will be waiting for you, take this with you as a present and a return gift for me, when we meet again,” he drops Rafe on the ground, and carves the tattoo of the cross in his back, Rafe screams, and then passes out.
    “Rafe, your up next!” Says the lady at the desk, Rafe smiles and heads towards the back.
  11. Curuinor

    Curuinor New Member

    +7 / 0 / -0
    Ah, but you do stereotype. What of the gender stereotyping you gave Carl and Rafe, as the violent ones, and Alice, as the reasonable one? Raised under the specter of violence, should not all children become bloodthirsty? How does regular schooling survive after nuclear war? Why, again, do the rulers of the country go into a little village and start flipping out and killing people?
  12. Worldofchaos

    Worldofchaos Guest

    +0 / 0 / -0
    seriously dude you even reading the story fully....... How the hell is have a character, with a a different personality with one another, a sterotype? lol.... Sterotype is judgeing a person by there color, race, or are, witout even knowing them. Not exactly, in todays world children seen violence everyday, RL, and non RL, and they dont become blood thirsty killers..will some do, but u get my point. Sure this is much more extreme of a situation, but still should have the same effect. it is later explain, this town is in the middle of nowhere, Took minzara while ot find it, hence why there is still schooling, there is no technology here at all. This place "was" left untoched. was also explain...seems like u dont read everything and just a little. Page, Rafe's father betrayed The Core, and ran away so he couldnt find him. Well minzara finds Page, and hence the killing of the people, and Page. Mind you it is also stated that page killer 4 members of the dominate 7, and it used to be called the dominate 12. So minzara was pretty unhappy with page, hence the reaction. :) Its all there in the story....and quite obvisous...oh well
  13. Curuinor

    Curuinor New Member

    +7 / 0 / -0
    Two things:

    1. How is something left untouched by nuclear desolation?

    2. There are many things that a ruler of a country must do, and personally going and killing people is not one of them. Why do we have a million people in the federal gov't?
  14. Halahan

    Halahan To die will be an awfully big adventure.

    +53 / 0 / -0
    many grammer mistakes and a few spelling errors. You write well enough, but you leave out details that are very important and go on with the story without any backgrounds or things. Tell about the world, the past, the trees. Get more into it. And stop cussing. Cussing to me always ditracts from any story or novel, however its used.
  15. Worldofchaos

    Worldofchaos Guest

    +0 / 0 / -0
    I meant its untoched to the crzyiness of the rest of the world. Meaning The Core hasnt touched it yet...untill now anyway.

    This isnt run like most countrts our, quite frankly, you will find out later, minzara doesnt give a shit about anyone, he just wants to rule by force, so he doesnt do what a normal ruler does.

    as well, he was after page, who he was close to, but he betrayed him, which game him reason to be there.
  16. Worldofchaos

    Worldofchaos Guest

    +0 / 0 / -0
    I know it lacks discription, thats one of my weak points, been working on it. Grammer and spelling errors i havent got around to fixing it. There is cussing, because it represent the world has no more rules really, other then what The core says. Cussing represents that they really aint bad words anymore.

    Thanks though
  17. Worldofchaos

    Worldofchaos Guest

    +0 / 0 / -0
    Chapter 3 of my story.......Hope you enjoy, most of your comments have been welcome, I will use them at a later date, and repost these 3 chapters. I have 67 chapters written

    Chapter 3
    Rafe’s First Mission

    Rafe sits in a debriefing room, with a few others soldiers, all wearing the same cloths as him. There is a man in the front of the room, in front of a TV projector screen . He is wearing a business suit, like the dominate 7 would wear. He is about 5’5” and has athletes wrap around his hands, his hair is a basic males hair cut, he is Asian , and he is roughly shaven. He looks at everyone and begins to speak, “my name is Kago Mist, I am one of the dominate 7, that runs “The Core”. You all are new soldiers, and this is your first mission. This is the real thing, not a training program, you could die.”
    A boy from within the soldiers speaks up, “only if your weak, like the rest of these assholes.” Rafes looks at the man and smiles, as he notices its John Smith, from his test to enter “The Core”. The boy sits back down, like he is big and tough.
    Kago looks at the boy, with no emotion on his face, and says, “you have a big mouth for someone who failed there first attempt to enter “The Core” Mr. Smith,” everyone laughs, as John sulks in his chair. “Now that we got that out of the way, I will explain the mission to you,” he turns on the TV behind him, and begins to explain the mission. “Today’s mission we will be invading a enemy territory that has been resisting the help of “The Core” and has killed many of our soldiers, our goal today is to invade this area and make there leaders appear, we are just trying to make the world a peaceful place, where no crime, violence, and death has to exist. The name of this place is Paradise Island. I will be accompany you on this mission to speak with the leaders, if the leaders will not listen to reason, we will take over them by force, and claim it as our own, in the name of peace. There will be 2 groups, I will lead one, and the other one will be lead by,” he looks at a piece of paper with everyone’s name on it. “Rafe Winter, stand up.” Rafe stands up, smiling, as he looks at John, and a grin appears on his face, John gets in the fedal position on his chair, and looks scared as hell. “Rafe you will be leading the other team, you had the best results in the testing, everyone else prepare to set out and meet in the parking lot, the members with the red tag under there sits, on the one’s on Rafes team.”
    John looks under his sit, and curses, “why the fuck am I on that rejects team.”
    Kago looks at John, “because you are, live with it.” The other members see what team they are on. Kago says, “I’ll speak with Rafe about the mission. Everyone else meet us outside,” everyone leaves. John leaves last, staying clear away from Rafe, as if Rafe is the devil.
    Rafe walks up to Kago, and smiles, “wanted to speak with me correct?”
    Kago nods, “Yes, that is correct, this mission today is a important one, its really more of a mission to test your skills Rafe, after Minzara found out who you were, he immediately wanted to test your abilities, the life’s of the other soldiers matter nothing to us, its your results were looking for, makes us proud”
    Rafe looks at Kago with no smile, and a stern look, and says, “You are willing to sacrifice so many peoples life’s, just to see what I can do? And you call yourself righteous, I’ll accept being leader, but no one is dieing today, and believe me, when I get the chance, I’ll kill Minzara,” Rafe walks out, not saying anything else.
    Kago grins, and says, “yes, that’s exactly the results we want Rafe, hate us. Hate us and become a killing machine, and then lose your heart and love for mankind.”
    Rafe walks into the parking lot, where everyone awaits. John walks up to Rafe, looks at him for a moment, and says, “you and me are not over, I will beat you someday.” Rafe smiles, and just walks by him. John growls, and walks too his other companions. Rafe Jumps onto a car, and sits on it, waiting for Kago. Kago enters, with a bo strapped to his back, and that’s it, from what can be seen.
    He looks at everyone, and begins to speak, “remember to bring your weapons of choice,” he walks into a van, as the soldiers under his command follow him.
    Rafe jumps up, and looks at his soldiers, and speaks, “lets go!” They all follow him, and go into the van carrying them. John jumps into the van, with a angry look on his face. He see‘s Rafe, and he gives Rafe a dirty look, and Rafe just smiles.

    While in the van, John begins to speak. “You all know that Rafe is a cyber person don’t you, he isn’t even human, do you want, ” before he could even finish his sentence.
    Rafe Shoves him into the wall of the van with his robot arm, and looks at him dead in the eyes, “I have been patience with you, ever since the first day I met you, but don’t you dare try to sway these soldiers to your side, that could mean confusion on the battlefield, and certain death for us all. All you need to do is listen to my orders, and shut up.” He sits John back down, and goes back to his sit, and within moments Rafe is smiling again, as if nothing happen. John grabs his neck, as it might be a little hurt, and stays quiet, all the soldiers are stunned, and keep quiet. Rafe then begins to speak, “everyone, this mission is very dangerous, please listen to my orders, and we will all make it out alive, if you wish to die, ignore my orders. I know I am a rookie just like you all, but I was chosen for this mission for a reason, so trust my abilities.”

    A hour or so later the van stops, as they all file out. The place where they are parked is a beautiful city, seems to be no destruction, at all, as if this city is better off then there home town. The buildings are all nice and sparkle as they sit under the beautiful sun. Rafe seems lost in thought as he looks at the city. “Why would this place be evil, this looks like paradise? What is Minzara’s true intentions here.”
    “Rafe, Rafe, Rafe” one of the soldiers calls his name.
    Rafe snaps out of it, a few moments later, “oh, sorry, I’ve never seen such beauty. I have lived my whole life in a hell hole.” Rafe thinks in his head. “Is this really a place that needs to be taken over?” Rafe shoves it off for now, as he begins to speak to his soldiers. “Okay, we need to make sure the other team gets in without being noticed, are goal is to make a distraction. To do this, I want you all to stay here, and keep me cover. I will enter the town, and make a distraction. Do not leave this area, if you do, you will all die.”
    One of the soldiers says, “don’t you need our help, this plan seem’s odd.”
    John says,” odd indeed, but what do you expect our leader is a idiot with a robot arm.”
    Rafe replies, “it might seem odd, but just trust me, if you do this you will come out of this alive. Everyone nods, including John, with a angry look on his face. Rafe begins to walk towards the city, with no one else, just himself, and his metal arm. He continues right through the front gates, where everyone sees him, in his “The Core” suit. Everyone immediately shuts their doors, and locks there windows. Rafe looks about, as about twenty soldiers appear before him.
    All pointing guns at him, and with angry looks on there faces, one of them speaks, “why is a Core soldier here? Speak now, or be gun down now!”
    Rafe smiles, as he looks at them all, and begins to speak, “my name is Rafe Winter, I am in fact a rookie Core soldier, I seem to have lost my way, I was looking for the candy store, and ended up here,” he smiles.
    The soldiers don’t seem to like that answer, as the point the guns more ferociously at Rafe, and yell, “don’t Fuck with me kid, your not in the position to be making jokes, you can die at any moment.”
    Rafe smiles, and says, “I have no intention of fighting, or hurting any of you. I just want to find that damn candy store,” he smiles.
    The soldiers seem a little pissed, “your mistake, jackass Core soldier!” They decide to open fire, after the smoke clears, they notice Rafe isn’t there. “Where the hell did he…” as soon as one of the soldiers says that, a foot hits him right in the face, sending him flying across the ground, knocking him out. Rafe stands there, with a smile on his face, and awaits there reactions. As he does that, all his soldiers come rushing in, yelling with there guns in front of them, shooting at the soldiers.
    All Rafe soldiers yell, “we got you back Rafe! Don‘t worry!”
    Rafe yells, “noooo! You fools, I told you not to come!” As he says that, the snipers that where hiding on the roofs, begin to pick off each one of the soldiers, within minutes they are all gunned down, except for John, who doesn’t seem to be there. Rafe falls to his knees, and begins to growl, as he looks at all the soldiers, 29 in all ,“that was a big mistake!” He runs at the first one, punching him straight in the gut, sending him flying into two others, knocking all 3 of them out, as they all tumble across the ground. Rafe says to himself quietly, “26,” he begins to run at the next soldier, as that soldier opens fire, Rafe puts his metal arm up, which takes all the shots, as he runs up to him, and upper cuts him, with his none robot arm, sending him flying into the air, into one of the snipers. “24,” he jumps up onto the roof, and runs at one of the snipers, before he even gets a chance to shot, Rafe kicks the sniper right in the side of the face, knocking out all his teeth, and sending him into the ground, making a small crater. “23,” he runs at the next sniper in line, which actually gets a chance to shot, and he shoots Rafe in the non metal arm, but Rafe ignores it, and grabs him by the shirt with his robot arm, and lifts him into the air, and then shoves him though the roof, into the floor of the house that the soldier was standing on. Rafe still on the roof says, “22,” and jumps from the roof, onto one of the soldiers below him, kneeing the soldier right in the face, and bringing the soldier to the ground. “21.” He grabs a soldier in front of him with his robot arm, and picks him up into the air, and then jumps into the air as he lets go of him, and kicks him into the air, as he flies about 50 feet, and lands on the ground, knocked out, Rafe says to himself, “20.” He runs at a group of soldiers in front of him, as he yells, “Wind Arm, Engage!” His robot arm opens up in front, as Rafe swings his arm, a huge gust of winds blows, about 500 MPH. The wind blows away 10 of the soldiers in front of him, and the buildings as well. They all fly a good 50 yards, Rafe then says, “10.” He then looks at the rest, as they all get scared and run away.
    He walks up to one of his soldiers that’s still alive, and Rafe holds him in his arms, “why did you come here, I told you to stay there.”
    The guy spits out blood, and begins to speak, “we where standing there, like you said.” The man coughs out blood.
    Rafe ask the man again, “so why did you come?“
    The man barely says, “it was a order, a order by Kago,” as the man dies.
    Rafe gets a angry look on his face, as he tightens his human fist, which is covered in blood at this moment, from the gun shot, as he growls and says, “Kago, you bastard, you will pay.” He runs off towards the mansion where the negations are taking place.

    Minzara sits at a table, with Cyber Man next to him, and 4 shadowy figures in front of him. One of the figures speak, “I don’t know if letting Rafe Winter live, is a wise choice Minzara, his father nearly ruined us.”
    Minzara grins, “he will turn, and if he doesn’t he can easily be killed just like his father. It’s a matter of mind persuasion. We delude him, just like we did Kago Mist, and when he finds out, all that he has been doing has been harming the world, he will snap, and forever stay under my control. Like a little lap dog.”
    The same guy speaks again, “on that subject, where is Kago at?”
    Minzara smiles, “doing some peace negations, the Kago Mist way,” the shadowy man nods. All 4 shadows disappear. Minzara sits back in his chair, and begins to speak to Cyber man. “Many years of setting it up, and finally Rafe Winter will be mine.”
    Cyber Man smiles, “just as Lord Minzara wanted, the perfect killing machine. That is what we will make Rafe.”
    Minzara chuckles, “yes, indeed.”
  18. Curuinor

    Curuinor New Member

    +7 / 0 / -0
    Who are you, the reincarnation of Douglas Adams?
  19. Worldofchaos

    Worldofchaos Guest

    +0 / 0 / -0
    I admit I had to look up who that was....i saw a few things he wrote, but never read any of his work...or watched the movies based on his books... why do u say i am a recarnation douglas adams?
  20. Curuinor

    Curuinor New Member

    +7 / 0 / -0
    I recall that about a half-dozen of his chapters comprised one page, at the most.

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