World of Chaos Chapter 1

C-Death

I love you
Not bad, but it needs more detail.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Great. Much better then first chapter. Still grammer and spelling, its 'be patient' not 'be patience;.
 
W

Worldofchaos

Guest
Well..heres the 4th chapter...enjoy...


Chapter 4
The Unexpected Enemy



John Smith, stands in the middle of a dream like world, holding his head, screaming. “Mommy, Daddy, no, I don’t, stop it, stop hitting me. Stop it!”
As he screams, his parents appear above him, as shadowy figures, “you are such a weak son. I am ashamed to call you my own,” says his dad.
His mom begins to speak “Your no child of mine, you’re a weak piece of shit!”
John continues to cry, and yell, he shouts into the air, “I am not weak!” As a aura appears around him, and the world starts to crumble. John opens his eyes, to see he is in a mech. He grins, and nods, “I am coming, I am coming Rafe Winter!”

Rafe continues along the road to the mansion. As he runs, all the sudden a giant metal arm appears in front of him, and knocks Rafe in the face, and back a few feet, across the ground, busting his nose, as blood comes flying out. Rafe lays on the ground for a few seconds, before he slowly gets up, to look to see what hit him. There is a giant robot mech standing in front of him. It stands about 10 feet tall, it looks slightly human, as it has two giant robot arms and legs, and there is a pilot in the middle, and with a closer look. Rafe notices its John Smith. Rafe looks at John with a angry look, as John begins to speak, “I will defeat you this time Rafe, you stole my pride, and now ill take yours! Kago said if I kill you, I will become leader. Die asshole!” John swings the giant robot arm at Rafe again.
Rafe jumps over it, and out of the way, and looks at John once again, “you fool! Your just being used, they have no intention of making you leader. You have no idea what your getting yourself into.”
John just growls, “they said you would say something like that, your just trying to use me Rafe, die!” He swings again, as Rafe gets a angry look on his face and punches the Giant robot arm with his robot arm, as both fists collide creating a huge amount of electricity that’s sparking off from the front of there fists.
Rafe says with a growl as he holds his fist against Johns giant robot fist. “So be it, I never liked you much in the first place, it will be my pleasure to send you home crying!” As he says that he yells, “Explosive Arm, Ignite,” as a huge explosion comes from Rafes fist, sending both of them flying backwards into the buildings behind them. The buildings crumble on them. Rafe bursts out of the destroyed lumber, blood coming from his nose from the first hit, from the giant robot, and his non robot arm is covered in blood from the gunshot from early, and his robot arm fist, smoking from the explosion. Rafe’s shirt has been completely fried off. The giant robot gets up, but one of its arms are missing, as sparks fly off from it, as John is inside, bleeding from the head, as the blood drips on the window of the cockpit. John just looks at Rafe as John screams and charges at Rafe with his other arm, trying to hit Rafe. Rafe dodges to the right, and attempts to punch the giant robot with his robot arm, but before he can do that John hit’s a button, and the robot turns into electricity, and fries Rafe, and turns him black, as Rafe falls to the ground.
John beings to laugh, and yells, “look Mommy, look Daddy! I beat him, I beat Rafe, I am the best, no one can touch,” Before he can finish that, Rafe fist bursts through the window cockpit, punching John right in the gut, making him spit out blood onto the cockpit window. Both the robot, and Rafe who is on it, are sent flying into a building behind them. Once the smoke clears, Rafe stands up, wobbling a bit, as his Robot arm sparks a little, as he is now covered in glass, and blood, as the cockpit busted right into him, the blood drips on the ground below him. He stumbles back a few steps, as John Crawls out of the Machine, covered in blood as well, and with a angry look on his face, he charges at Rafe, and punches him right in the face, as blood comes spraying out of Rafes mouth. Rafe didn’t see it coming, because he was dazed from the crash. John gets on top of Rafe, and begins to punch the living hell out of him. After about 10 punches, Rafe grabs Johns arm, and throws him off, into the robot behind them as John bounces off of it.
Rafe stumbles up, and looks at John, “stop this, before you get killed John, you can never beat me.”
John Stumbles up, as blood comes pouring from his body, as he says, “what do you know, you won are first fight, you don’t understand the shame I felt, returning to my home, saying I lost to a bum, who wasn’t even human. I had no right to be a man, I must beat you, I will beat you!” As John comes running at Rafe punching him right in the face, Rafe stumbles a bit, but regains his composure and punches John in the face. They Continue this for about 10 seconds.
Until Rafe uses his Robot arm, “I am sorry John, but there is more important things, then me and you right now.” He punches John right in the face, sending him flying into the houses behind them. Rafe continues to move along, onto the mansion. As he hears a crash behind him, he looks behind, there is John, standing there. His veins seem to be popping, as a needle drops from his hand. Rafe looks at the needle, “don’t tell me.”
John looks at Rafe with a grin, as John is a lot bigger, and he seems to just get bigger and bigger, “your suspensions are correct, I took some Enhancers.” Enhancers are a drug that temporally increase a persons strength, and speed, but the user usually dies from it. It was used in the war before the world destruction, used for soldiers doing kamikaze attacks. John veins begin to pop, as blood starts to flow from them.
Rafe looks away in shame, “you are a fool John, to risk your life over something so meaningless.”
John growls, as he runs at Rafe, “you don’t know what meaningless means!” as his speed is ten times faster then before, as he punches Rafe right in the gut, sending him flying into a forest behind him, knocking down a few trees on his way to the ground. Rafe stumbles up, as a few branches stick in his arms, and back, and he is covered in blood, and it drips to the ground. He looks at John, and just smiles, as John runs at him again, going so fast, the ground under him rips up. He punches Rafe right in the gut. Rafe bends over the fist, and spits out a whole bunch of blood on Johns arm. John grabs Rafe by the hair, and lifts him into the air, and grins. John veins continue to burst, as his body becomes bigger, and bigger. “Feel my pain, Rafe! Feel my anger!” as John takes his fist, and slams it into Rafes face, continuously for about 1 minute. Blood comes bursting out of Rafes face, as his face gets slammed. All the sudden, Rafe grabs John arm, with his robot arm, and forces John to put him down.
Rafe slowly lifts John up into the air, by his arm, and looks right into his face, “I am sorry, but your story ends today,” Rafe throws John into the air, and comes around with his robot arm, and jams it right through Johns chest. Rafe hand pops out the other side, as John coughs up blood.
John looks at Rafe, and begins laughing, “after all that, you still beat me, how worthless I am.”
Rafe shakes his head, “you are not worthless, you faught to protect something you held dare to yourself. Your pride, and for that, you were a man to the fullest, a fool, but a man none the less.”
John laughs, as he spits out blood, “I guess that makes all men fools, huh? If only I could of beat you,” as he dies, and falls limp. Rafe pulls his arm out of Johns chest, and lays him down on the ground, and crosses John arms on Johns chest. As he waves his hand over Johns eyes to close them.
He looks at John, and stands up, and says “Yes all men are fools, but if we weren’t, we wouldn’t be men, for we have protect what is precise to us, even if that means being a fool, for all your stupidity, you were quite wise too John Smith, I don’t know who will all miss you, but I will miss are “fights”. I’ll avenge your pointless death, by killing Kago,” he grips his good fist, as he draws blood from it, from griping it so hard. Rafe is covered in blood from all his wounds, and is slightly burnt, but continues along anyway, to where Kago is, to finish this.
 

Curuinor

New Member
Great. Much better then first chapter. Still grammer and spelling, its 'be patient' not 'be patience;.
There's still a bunch of them. One issue is that you forgot entirely to capitalize the stuff after quotation marks. Chapter 3 abridged with mistakes bolded, sans quotation capitalization:

Rafe sits in a debriefing room, with a few others soldiers, all wearing the same cloths as him. He is wearing a business suit, like the dominate 7 would wear. He is about 5’5”(height, arcs or time? Yes, it's obvious. Make it obviouser. and has athlete's wrap around his hands, his hair is a basic male's hair cut, he is Asian , and he is roughly shaven(run-on. He looks at everyone and begins to speak, “my name is Kago Mist, I am one of the dominate 7, that runs “The Core”. You all are new soldiers, and this is your first mission. This is the real thing, not a training program, you could die.”(run-on 2)
A boy from within the soldiers speaks up, “only if your weak, like the rest of these assholes.” Rafes looks at the man and smiles, as he notices it's John Smith, from his test to enter “The Core”. The boy sits back down, like (inconsistant formality)he is big and tough.
Kago looks at the boy, with no emotion on his face, and says, “you have a big mouth for someone who failed there first attempt to enter “The Core”, Mr. Smith,” everyone laughs, as John sulks in his chair. “Now that we got that out of the way, I will explain the mission to you,” he turns on the TV behind him, and begins to explain the mission. “In Today’s mission we will be invading a enemy territory that has been resisting the help(if you want to show him as a lying bastard, why use 'invade' and 'enemy'?) of “The Core” and has killed many of our soldiers, our goal today is to invade this area and make there leaders appear, we are just trying to make the world a peaceful place, where no crime, violence, and death has to exist(run-on 2). The name of this place is Paradise Island. I will be accompanying you on this mission to speak with the leaders, if the leaders will not listen to reason, we will take over them by force, and claim it as our own, in the name of peace.(run-on 3) There will be 2(two is better usage) groups(surprisingly flimsy word choice for a leader), I will lead one, and the other one will be lead by(use ellipsis?),” he looks at a piece of paper with everyone’s name on it. “Rafe Winter, stand up.”(run-one with complete clauses w/ "There will be two groups" and "He looks at a piece of paper with everyone's name on it.", as well as "'Rafe Winter, stand up'") Rafe stands up, smiling, as he looks at John, and a grin appears on his face, John gets in the fedal(fetal) position on his chair, and looks scared as hell(again, inconsistent formality). “Rafe, you will be leading the other team, you had the best results in the testing, everyone else, prepare to set out and meet in the parking lot, the members with the red tag under there sits(seats), on the one’s on Rafes team(run-on 5).”
John looks under his sit, and curses, “why the fuck am I on that rejects team.(?)(run-on with two clauses)
Kago looks at John, “because you are, live with it.” The other members see what team they are on. Kago says, “I’ll speak with Rafe about the mission. Everyone else meet us outside,” everyone leaves. John leaves last, staying clear away from Rafe, as if Rafe is the devil(show, not tell).
Rafe walks up to Kago, and smiles, “(You)wanted to speak with me correct?”
Kago nods, “Yes, that is correct, this mission today is a important one, its really more of a mission to test your skills Rafe, after Minzara found out who you were, he immediately wanted to test your abilities, the life’s(lives of the other soldiers matter nothing to us, it's your results we're looking for, makes us proud(what makes them proud?)”(run-on 7)
Rafe looks at Kago with no smile, and a stern look, and says, “You are willing to sacrifice so many peoples life’s(lives), just to see what I can do?(their entire civilization doesn't care about life, and suddenly Rafe has objections to the homicidal policies of The Core?) And you call yourself righteous, I’ll accept being leader, but no one is dieing today, and believe me, when I get the chance, I’ll kill Minzara,”(run-on 8) Rafe walks out, not saying anything else.
Kago grins, and says, “yes, that’s exactly the results we want Rafe, hate us. Hate us and become a killing machine, and then lose your heart and love for mankind.”(there are better ways of plot development than monologue in stories)
Rafe walks into the parking lot, where everyone awaits. John walks up to Rafe, looks at him for a moment, and says, “you and me are not over, I will beat you someday.” Rafe smiles, and just walks by him. John growls, and walks too(to) his other companions. Rafe Jumps(jumps) onto a car, and sits on it, waiting for Kago. Kago enters, with a bo strapped to his back, and that’s it, from what can be seen.(I'm not going to keep track of run-ons anymore)
He looks at everyone, and begins to speak, “remember to bring your weapons of choice,” he walks into a van, as the soldiers under his command follow him.(split that last clause)
Rafe jumps up, and looks at his soldiers, and speaks, “lets go!” They all follow him, and go into the van carrying them. John jumps into the van, with a angry look on his face. He see‘s(sees) Rafe, and he gives Rafe a dirty look, and Rafe just smiles.

While in the van, John begins to speak. “You all know that Rafe is a cyber person(cyborg?) don’t you, he isn’t even human, do you want, ” before he could even finish his sentence., Rafe Shoves(shoves) him into the wall of the van with his robot arm, and looks at him dead in the eyes, “I have been patience(patient, or the living embodiment of patience) with you, ever since the first day I met you, but don’t you dare try to sway these soldiers to your side, that could mean confusion on the battlefield, and certain death for us all. All you need to do is listen to my orders, and shut up.”(you guessed it. . . run-on.) He sits John back down(sits, sets), and goes back to his sit(seat), and within moments Rafe is smiling again, as if nothing happened. John grabs his neck, as it might(why doesn't John know if his neck hurts or not?) be a little hurt, and stays quiet, all the soldiers are stunned, and keep quiet.(learn the wonderful magic of the semicolon, or the conjunction) Rafe then begins to speak, “everyone, this mission is very dangerous, please(why does the commanding officer, though he be tyro, say 'please'?) listen to my orders, and we will all make it out alive, if you wish to die, ignore my orders.(again. . .) I know I am a rookie just like you all, but I was chosen for this mission for a reason, so trust my abilities.”

A hour or so later the van stops, as they all file out(they don't wait for it to stop?). The place where they are parked is a beautiful city, (there) seems to be no destruction, at all, as if this city is better off then(than) there home town. The buildings are all nice and sparkly(not the best formality either) as they sit under the beautiful sun. Rafe seems lost in thought as he looks at the city. “Why would this place be evil, this looks like paradise?(run-on) What is Minzara’s true intentions here.?
“Rafe, Rafe, Rafe” one of the soldiers calls his name.
Rafe snaps out of it, a few moments later, “oh, sorry, I’ve never seen such beauty. I have lived my whole life in a hell hole.” Rafe thinks in his head. “Is this really a place that needs to be taken over?” Rafe shoves it(the place? His thoughts?) off for now, as he begins to speak to his soldiers. “Okay, we need to make sure the other team gets in without being noticed, are(our) goal is to make a distraction.(run-on) To do this, I want you all to stay here, and keep me covered with nice furry blankets?. I will enter the town, and make a distraction. Do not leave this area, if you do, you will all die.”
One of the soldiers says, “don’t you need our help, this plan seem’s odd.”
John says,” odd indeed, but what do you expect our leader is a idiot with a robot arm.”
Rafe replies, “it might seem odd, but just trust me, if you do this you will come out of this alive. Everyone nods, including John, with a angry look on his face. Rafe begins to walk towards the city, with no one else, just himself, and his metal arm. He continues right through the front gates, where everyone sees him, in his “The Core” suit. Everyone immediately shuts their doors, and locks there(their) windows. Rafe looks about, as about twenty soldiers appear before him.
All pointing guns at him, and with angry looks on there faces, one of them speaks, “why is a Core soldier here? Speak now, or be guned down excise this: now!”
Rafe smiles, as he looks at them all, and begins to speak, “my name is Rafe Winter, I am in fact a rookie Core soldier, I seem to have lost my way, I was looking for the candy store, and ended up here,” he smiles.
The soldiers don’t seem to like that answer, as the point the guns more ferociously at Rafe, and yell, “don’t Fuck(fuck) with me kid, your(you're) not in the position to be making jokes, you can die at any moment(they're concerned for the safety of an enemy combatant?).”
Rafe smiles, and says, “I have no intention of fighting, or hurting any of you. I just want to find that damn candy store,” he smiles.
The soldiers seem a little pissed, “your mistake, jackass Core soldier!” They decide to open fire, after the smoke clears, they notice Rafe isn’t there. “Where the hell did he…” as soon as one of the soldiers says that, a foot hits him right in the face, sending him flying across the ground, knocking him out. Rafe stands there, with a smile on his face, and awaits there(their) (I will not proof any more ridiculous mistakes you have, such as 'there' and 'youre' and the endless run-ons) reactions. As he does that, all his soldiers come rushing in, yelling with there guns in front of them, shooting at the soldiers.
All Rafe's soldiers yell, “we got you back Rafe! Don‘t worry!”
Rafe yells, “noooo! You fools, I told you not to come!” As he says that, the snipers that where hiding on the roofs, begin to pick off each one of the soldiers, within minutes they are all gunned down(why don't they gun down Rafe in the first place?), except for John, who doesn’t seem to be there. Rafe falls to his knees, and begins to growl, as he looks at all the soldiers, 29 in all ,“that was a big mistake!” He runs at the first one, punching him straight in the gut, sending him flying into two others, knocking all 3 of them out, as they all tumble across the ground. Rafe says to himself quietly, “26,” he begins to run at the next soldier, as that soldier opens fire, Rafe puts his metal arm up, which takes all the shots, as he runs up to him, and upper cuts him, with his none robot arm, sending him flying into the air, into one of the snipers. “24,” he jumps up onto the roof, and runs at one of the snipers, before he even gets a chance to shot, Rafe kicks the sniper right in the side of the face, knocking out all his teeth, and sending him into the ground, making a small crater. “23,” he runs at the next sniper in line, which actually gets a chance to shot, and he shoots Rafe in the non metal arm, but Rafe ignores it, and grabs him by the shirt with his robot arm, and lifts him into the air, and then shoves him though the roof, into the floor of the house that the soldier was standing on. Rafe still on the roof says, “22,” and jumps from the roof, onto one of the soldiers below him, kneeing the soldier right in the face, and bringing the soldier to the ground. “21.” He grabs a soldier in front of him with his robot arm, and picks him up into the air, and then jumps into the air as he lets go of him, and kicks him into the air, as he flies about 50 feet, and lands on the ground, knocked out, Rafe says to himself, “20.” He runs at a group of soldiers in front of him, as he yells, “Wind Arm, Engage!”. . . His robot arm opens up in front, as Rafe swings his arm, a huge gust of winds blows, about 500 MPH. The wind blows away 10 of the soldiers in front of him, and the buildings as well. They all fly a good 50 yards, Rafe then says, “10.” He then looks at the rest, as they all get scared and run away.(the prose gets baser as the fight scene goes on. You might want to switch to an unreliable first person narrator if you plan to keep writing that way.)
He walks up to one of his soldiers that’s still alive(might cause confusion; most people equate 'gunned down' to 'killed'), and Rafe holds him in his arms, “why did you come here, I told you to stay there.”
The guy spits out blood, and begins to speak, “we where standing there, like you said.” The man coughs out blood.
Rafe ask the man again, “so why did you come?“
The man barely says, “it was a order, a order by Kago,” as the man dies.
Rafe gets a angry look on his face, as he tightens his human fist, which is covered in blood at this moment, from the gun shot, as he growls and says, “Kago, you bastard, you will pay.” He runs off towards the mansion where the negations are taking place.(monologue two)

Minzara sits at a table, with Cyber Man next to him, and 4 shadowy figures in front of him. One of the figures speak, “I don’t know if letting Rafe Winter live, is a wise choice Minzara, his father nearly ruined us.”
Minzara grins, “he will turn, and if he doesn’t he can easily be killed just like his father. It’s a matter of mind persuasion. We delude him, just like we did Kago Mist, and when he finds out, all that he has been doing has been harming the world, he will snap, and forever stay under my control. Like a little lap dog.”
The same guy speaks again, “on that subject, where is Kago at?(businessmen in suits speaking ebonics. . .)”.

Minzara smiles, “doing some peace negations, the Kago Mist way,” the t as Lord Minzara wanted, the perfect killing machine. That is what we will make Rafe.”
Minzara chuckles, “yes, indeed.”
 
W

Worldofchaos

Guest
I am aware of all the grammer mistakes, i need to work on those. Thanks for pointing a few out though. Kago may be in a business suit, but that doesnt make him a business man. He has no higher eduaction at all to be exact, he is just a person Minzara recruited for his fighting skills, which will be later explained. I like to grammer errors, you point out. But I dont know why you keep pointing stuff like a person wearing a business suit..should talk like a business man. THere just cloths...again thats sterotyping. Which i dont like to do. I dont say there isnt any of that in the story. But alot of my characters dont act the same way they look.

You a fan of anime btw? Or Comic books...My stuff is very Anime/Comic/Horror movie inspired, so the way of story telling like them, you may not understand.
 

XXXconanXXX

Cocktails anyone?
Good story. The apocalyptic setting seems to work for this than a lot of other stories, which is good.

The grammar mistakes are very hard to swallow when there's a large abundance of them. Also, if you're not Japanese and this isn't a Japanese story, I wouldn't name the characters Japanese names. Many seem way too off-the-wall and some are unpronounceable.

Also, like Curuinor pointed out, you have a lot of inconsistent formalities and many of the sentences are run-ons.

Besides those few things, I like the story. Seems to be coming along well.
 
W

Worldofchaos

Guest
Good story. The apocalyptic setting seems to work for this than a lot of other stories, which is good.

The grammar mistakes are very hard to swallow when there's a large abundance of them. Also, if you're not Japanese and this isn't a Japanese story, I wouldn't name the characters Japanese names. Many seem way too off-the-wall and some are unpronounceable.

Also, like Curuinor pointed out, you have a lot of inconsistent formalities and many of the sentences are run-ons.

Besides those few things, I like the story. Seems to be coming along well.
Thanks...and not im not, but there is japanese characters, Kago is Japanese...and he comes from Asian Elite (has a japanese area) So him having a english name wouldnt be right? I assume... lol
 
W

Worldofchaos

Guest
Thanks everyone for your suggestions there much apperated. I will use them when i began to rewrite...Ill post more of the story if you want, just ask :)


I was wondering....what do you all think my strong points, and weak points are?

Like Dialouge, Story, Grammer, and so on...what am i really go at, and what do I seriously need to work on...I know Grammer is one thing i have to work on...lol
 
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