Writing a story - Prologue


Happy[ExtremelyOverCommercializ ed]HolidaysEveryon
I am currently in the process of writing myself hopefully a full length story (like a chapter book) or I may jsut write another short story.

Either way I have finished the stories prologue and I want to know what you all think of it:

The rider went swiftly through the field. Not caring to look behind her she rode on, knowing that if she stopped, her life would be ended. After hours night swiftly crept into the world and she began to tire. Yet she did not stop, for she knew her pursuers would not. She saw the forest ahead of her and darted forward with more hope. Maybe she could loose them in the twisting oaks of the Great Vale; she hoped that would give her the chance to get away. She had to hope, it was all she had left after what had happened, she didn’t even have courage anymore, just complete fear, and a small wince of hope that she could one day get back what she had lost.
After two days of riding she heard the whines of her horse. Brandy was getting tired but she could not stop. Not at least until she found somewhere to stay for a night to rest and get some supplies. If only she knew where it was she had to go it would make things all that much easier.
Dawn crept in again upon her face. She had now been riding for three straight days and her body was aching for her to stop. She had not eaten or drank anything but the cold air since she had left and now she was really beginning to feel it. In the distance she heard a faint sound of gurgling water. She raced forward with more anticipation hoping to find a large stream with which to drink from, and maybe catch some quick fish. She found it and her spirit was lifted, some good luck at last. She was about to continue through but then she though to herself, ‘I have been riding for three days. Chances are I am at least a few hours ahead of them, I might as well take a quick rest.’ So she let her horse calm down and drink while she collected some wood to make a quick, small fire.
After an hour or so her thirst had been quenched and she had eaten a few fruits she had found in the scarce foliage. But as she went to get up she felt darkness creep into her, her eyes began to fall, and if her eyelids had weights holding them down. Into sleep she drifted, unaware that her pursuers were closer than she anticipated.

Off in the distance she saw her house, a small place in a little village in eastern Rhodan. It was peaceful here and with its small population she knew everyone around her, from their eye color to their favorite food. Her life was perfect, or so it seemed. Everything changed when the strangers came. They arrived on the first day of a bad harvest and they did not seem to want to lighten the mood. Their skin was pasty and black, with evil looking red eyes. They were always wearing hooded cloaks so nothing more was ever known about them.
It was on the night of the festival that it all happened. She had gone to offer the strangers some food, since it was the Festival of Arcontas, the god of good fortune and care. As she neared where they were staying she heard them speaking. “Do you think we’ll be discovered here? I mean we have been hidden for a few weeks but how long can we keep this up?” said the first one.
“I don’t know Crasus; we’ll just have to wait. Hopefully we can remain hidden. The last thing we need is to have the nation barring down on us again. Yet I seem to like this small useless village, they don’t know of our power so they treat us like normal people. Oblivious to what we can…did you hear that?” asked the other.
“What did you hear Dorian?” Crasus asked as he stood up and peered through the dark shadows of the night. Dorian stood up and looked around, not knowing that the girl was behind him, hiding underneath the hut.
“I thought I heard a gasp or a whisper. I must be hearing things coming from those peasants down at their moronic festival.” Dorian stated with distaste.
“Well as long as they are not causing trouble or spying on us we should leave them alone. I’d rather not blow our cover.”
“Yes I know Crasus but the second one of these morons does something wrong I am decimating the entire village. I don’t care if it will blow my cover, at least the people here can be transformed. As a matter of fact, we should take the village now. Get them while they’re celebrating, while they least expect to have things…go wrong” A long grimace seemed to grow along Dorian’s face as he thought of his malevolent plan.
“Dorian you never think. Even though it may suit us with a small force of militia if even one villager escapes we will be on the run again, do you want that? I’d rather not have those ‘priests’ on our backs again.” Dorian heaved a large sigh when Crasus had finished talking.
“You are right as usual brother, even though I hate to admit it. I will hold back the destruction of this town for now but…wait a minute, there’s that sound again.” The girl quickly put her hands over her mouth and tried to stop her breathing, if she was discovered then surely these strangers would kill her. “I have a theory, let me check this,” Dorian said, “if I am wrong our cover will not have been blown and we can resume life as usual, if I am right, well there will be some deserved bloodshed.” The man held his hand over the floor and uttered words the girl did not understand, but slowly the wooden boards that concealed her began to slowly disappear before her eyes. She tried to move but her body was stuck, as if she had been instantly paralyzed. Then she saw him, Dorian’s glowing red eyes, and his jet black skin, all coursing with anger and hatred as he looked at her. “I knew there was a spy!” Dorian screamed aloud. He swung his arm up in the air and the girl went flying. And as her body went tumbling toward the ground she woke with a start, she had been dreaming, but what she now saw made her want to go back to sleep.

As her eyes began to open she realized that she was riding again, yet she was not on Brandy. She seemed to be on something she didn’t seem to know. It was no animal she had ever ridden, or even seen for that matter. It was a large beast, about twice her size with glowing green eyes and dagger sharp teeth. It has small spikes running down the back of its head and it ran on two legs. It had small little arms and hands on which she saw blood stained claws. At first she thought she had been captured by some foreign animal in the area she had gone, but then she moved her head slightly and fear ran down her spine. Just behind her on another one of these creatures, sat Dorian. His hood was down and now the girl saw small pointed ears protruding from the side of his head, and at his mouth two small fangs dipper out of his mouth, as if they were do big to keep within his jaw. He looked over at her and seeing that she was conscious a great big smirk crossed his face. Then he began to laugh to himself like he had just created a very sick joke. She tried to slip back to sleep, hoping this was just some huge nightmare, but nothing she did seemed to work. In all her despair she hoped that Brandy was alright, the last thing she wanted was for him to be slaughtered because of her, he was all that remained of her and her village now. So on they rode, only this time she was against her will, against her greatest fears, she was living her nightmare.
When darkness once again gripped the land, the girl began to feel tired once again, and eagerly let sleepiness grasp her. This night however she did not dream of her village’s last moments. Instead she had nightmare about Crasus and Dorian and what she believed they might do to her.
Morning came swiftly and as she awoke, the girl realized that what had happened was not a bad dream, it was reality. She was now out of the wood, far away from it as a matter of fact, and she wondered how it was that these creatures could run so fast. She rode, wound up on the back of the beast for another day, and by the time the moon shone upon her again, her body ached with horrible pain. Her captures had decided to stop for the night, for what reason she did not know but they took her off their beasts and lay how down beside their camp fire, letting their beasts roam the area to kill anything, or anyone, who came near. So around the fire they sat, cooking and eating their food, yet paying no attention to their captive. The girl knew enough to keep her mouth shut, yet she wouldn’t have said anything anyway, for she was amazed at what these two…beings had done. The fire before them did not shine bright orange and red, but instead it was a dark purple and black flame. She could not feel any happiness or joy from this flame, only death and despair, a feeling that she was hopeless and helpless, that she could not escape and that she was going to die. She felt a chill run down her back, and she did her best to hold onto her last bit of hope. However these people where, they were dark evil beings, and she had to do her best to get away from them, but how she did not know.
Crasus stood up and stretched. “I suppose you want to know what we’re going to do with you don’t you?” he asked. The girl looked up.
‘Is he talking to me?’ she wondered, ‘or is he just talking to himself?’
“No I am talking to you girl,” Crasus said looking down at her. The girl almost jumped in surprise.
‘He can read my thoughts?’ she asked herself
“Yes I can,” Crasus replied, “I am very good at it as a matter of fact. I know that since the day we caught you that you have been trying to think of ways to escape, but everything you think will be flawed, because I will know what you are about to do. So sit down, calm down and listen to us, for if you don’t listen carefully, these may be the last words you ever hear in your life.” The words chilled the girl to the bone, yet she realized that he may be giving her a chance to listen, so she nodded at him and he continued, “What you saw us do in your village you should have never witnessed. To be honest, Dorian wants me to kill you where you stand. But I feel that we can cooperate, and death won’t find you so quickly. So you give me the answers to the questions I ask, and I shall hold your death until later. Understand?” As Crasus finished the girl looked at him, and saw that even though his eyes were full of evil, that he could be trusted to not kill her until he was done. Silently she nodded, and in doing so, the gag over her mouth loosened, and fell from her jaw.
Crasus sat down beside her and looked into the dark flames before him. “First off,” he started, “I want to know what you call this realm, this…place. I have never before been to this...world as I could call it, but in truth the world is a small domain in which all dimensions reside. So tell me, do you call your…home?”
She sat and thought for a minute, ‘Do we really have a name for this place? All my life I’ve just known it as home, I’ve never thought of a proper name for it. Maybe if I think a little bit harder. I do remember a traveler who came in a few years ago, said he was traveling Argnen, but, well that might be it.’ She looked up and told the men, “I believe we call our land Argnen, although I am not too sure, I’ve never really thought about it.”
“What do you mean you believe” asked Dorian, rage storming in his eyes, “Do you mean to tell me that you have live here all your life and not even known the name of the land which you live off of? I feel as though I should just kill you here and now. We are no stupid travelers you worm.”
“Dorian that is enough!” Crasus yelled at his companion, “She was from a small village; chances are she doesn’t even know if there are any kingdoms here. And besides, if she was lying to us I’d know. Are you stupid enough to keep forgetting that I can read her thoughts?” Dorian turned around and set off into the wildness, sparking up random bushes and trees, and covering small areas in ash. “I am sorry about that. Dorian is not the best person for friendly conversations, now onto the next question. I would like to know what it is, your race calls yourself, for I am rather interested by your species. You seem to be the dominant and most intelligent beings in this realm but I cannot remember any lore I have read that describes beings such as yourself.”
“We are…humans,” began the girl, “as far as I know that is what we call ourselves. This I am certain of.”
“Good, glad you know a few things now. Now tell me all you know of your races history. Were you born in this realm, or did you travel here from another? It is currently better for me to know all I can about your species so I don’t make any…mistakes.” Crasus said with a vile grin on his face.
“Well from what I know, we were born here, and we have lived here as long as I can remember. I know there are small villages like mine scattered everywhere and that there are large cities of people. From our history I know that we are under the rule of King Garganosis. He ahs been well to us for many years and since his win in the war for power there has been less turmoil in our world. That is all I know.”
“Well that is everything I needed to know. Now that I am done with my questions I have one last thing to do.” As Crasus said this the girl closed her eyes and prepared to be killed. How she did not now, but she prepared herself for death, in whatever way it came to her. “Hold out your hand girl.” Crasus said to her, “I need to test something with your race. If this proves to be true you may live for a while longer, if my experiment returns false, then you are of no further use to of us. How hold your hand out toward the fire. And say the following words.” He said some words to her that she did not understand but she did her best to imitate what it was he said as she held her hand toward the purple and blue flame.
“Famel dus rochet” she said faintly, and then stared with amazement. The flame shot upward like a firework then exploded in mid air creating a large dragon made of black flame. It was the most amazing, and Horrifying thing she had ever seen in her life. She then turned to Crasus to see that he had a cruel grimace across his face.
“So, your species can use magic. You may be useful after all. Now get ready for Dorian, when he gets back he’ll be going mad from what just happened.” So the night ended, and the next day went like the last, bound on the back of the strangers creatures, with no hope. However there was one change. The girl had changed sicne the night she had first used magic. A large tattoo had appeared on her body. It started at her hand, and how far along her body it ran, she did not know. But what she was the shape of a dragon etched along her skin.
After what seemed like a month she had fled her village something strange happened. The party had once again stopped for the night and as the girl lay on the ground, something caught her attention. She woke with a start when she heard what sounded like hoof prints. She thought maybe it was Brandy, who had come back for her, yet instead she saw what looked like a man coming toward her. She did not say anything, so as not to awaken her captures from their slumber. Maybe it was an unlucky traveler who wanted a nice fire to sit by. But once the fog lifted from the shadow of the figure the girl once again starred in amazement. Before her stood something she did not know the name for. It seemed to be half woman, and half goat, only with two legs instead of four. The women-goat quickened her pace toward the girl. Then she whispered some words she did not understand and a blinding light appeared. Then the girl blacked out, unaware to where her new capture was taking her.


To die will be an awfully big adventure.
lol wow, you're more eager then I am bout my story. I'll read it, don't you worry. Ninva and Fatmankev can testify I will read something if I say I will.


New Member
lol i didnt even read this and im shocked lol
im rlly into poems cause i dont have a long attention spand
so good luck with your book


"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
noob :). don't assume your the youngest here.
lol ur not either.. if thats what ur implyin

neway, ill read ur story soon 2, demonwrath, spreadin the<3 to the new kid...

if i like it plus rep, er ill just give ya plus rep fer postin gl!


To die will be an awfully big adventure.
... I wasn't necessarily, don't start an argument bout who's youngest.. besides we're like the same.

"er ill just give ya plus rep fer postin gl!"
if its a good story + rep, but rep is for contribution to forums, good advice, etc.
don't just give rep cause he posted something.


Happy[ExtremelyOverCommercializ ed]HolidaysEveryon
Well thanks for posting guys

Finally someone noticed this after I bumped it what 3 times? ^_^;

Just tell me what you think when you have the chance

And yes I know my spelling and grammar sucks, but most of the time I just do it to piss of MS Word :p


To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Lol thats a hint to read mine after I've edited it. don't read it yet
one thing though bout yours.... a few run-ons and non-existant commas make you pause and think sometimes, so the only way to fix that is read more. Grammar is more important then most know.


Happy[ExtremelyOverCommercializ ed]HolidaysEveryon
I kno I have horrible grammar, trust me :p

Either way I will read your if you pm me the link (I don't want you stealing attention <.<).


That was pretty effing long but i liked it would like to read some more :D


Happy[ExtremelyOverCommercializ ed]HolidaysEveryon
Thanks. for the nice comments guys.

Right now that is all I have.

I didn't know if it was any good or not though.

So I guess it's off to MSWord XD


Happy[ExtremelyOverCommercializ ed]HolidaysEveryon
Okay here is the first small (and I mean small) installment of Chapter one :D

Horse’s hooves trampled the ground as they rode forward. Their pants matched those of the bloodstained rides on them, and their cried for rest. Finally the lead raised his hand and called for a stop. “We’ll rest here for the night men. If all goes well we should pass through a few villages going back to the Capital. The King needs to get our report.”
“Yes my Lord!” was the reply that came from the men that were behind him. They all wanted rest, some more then others, as they had just been through a blood y struggle. And it was something all of them never wanted to remember again, yet they had to warn the King of what was coming.
“So Nicoli, you hoping we pass through your village on the way back? Is that why you’re having us take this slowly?” asked one of the horsemen, as he looked at their leader.
“No Donovan. I know you are all tired, and we all need our rest. Especially after the horrors we witnessed this day.” His men fell silent. They had indeed witnessed something horrible, and even as they sit there with each other, all of them felt a small shroud of hopelessness within them. “And lets not forget the most important reason as to why we stopped.” Nicoli began, and all his soldiers looked at him in bewilderment. “The most important reason as to why we stopped, is because you can’t drink beer while your on your horse now can you boys?” Cheers bellowed throughout the crowd as kegs were brought out and pints filled. Good, thought Nicoli, they need to release this stress, especially after what I dragged them through today.

Please not I have not even editted anything yet =P


To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Editing will help a great deal, and it feels very real despite the setting. great job.


Happy[ExtremelyOverCommercializ ed]HolidaysEveryon
>and it feels very real despite the setting

Meaning what? If you went to a renaissance fair you would think the story was real? :p
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