Funny Joke Thread

[stubs101]

I just fininshed reading Crusher's Psycho Joke or whatever.... and I realized we needed a thread for jokes after people pitched in the idea of a joke zone... Way too much work. So (I hope)Now this is the place to unload any jokes you don't want to start a new thread for or you found funny or created... just a place for jokes.

I guess, customarily I should start it with one of my jokes, so:
A preacher was giving a sermon when a flood occured. They all went outside and ran home (The people) except the preacher. A church-goer drove by the preacher in his car, and said, " Preacher preacher! Get in before you drown!" and the preacher said, "Don't worry friend, God will save me!" Before you knew it the water was at his knees. A church-goer came by in his raft, and said, " Preacher preacher! Get in before you drown!" and the preacher said, "Don't worry friend, God will save me!" And then the water rose to the preacher's waist. Then a church-goer in his 2-man canoe came by, and said, " Preacher preacher! Get in before you drown!" and the preacher said, "Don't worry friend, God will save me!" And sooner rather than later, the water was at the preacher's neck. A helicopter came by, spotted the preacher, and said, " Preacher preacher! Get in before you drown!" and the preacher said, "Don't worry friend, God will save me!" Then when the lights of the helicopter went dim, the preacher drowned. He went to heaven, and when he came there, he said to God, "Why didn't you save me?!" and God yelled back in desperation, "I tried! I sent a car, a raft, a 2-man canoe, and a helicopter! What more do you want?!"

 

[sjakie]

Exactly, no fwizzing around, just make a joke thread!
I luv you<3 (nice joke btw..stupid priest)

Anyway, ill send in some of my jokes too then:
(ps: ima make the dumb person be dutch, just like me, so we wont have to argue about me calling people dumb)

Spoiler

A german man, a english man, and a dutch man are walking through the forest. Its a hot day, but suddenly they see a swimming pool. It has everything: Tiles, diving plank, everything exept for...water.
When the 3 men approach the swimmingpool, they notice a sing. It says: "This swimmingpool has a magical diving plank, those who jump from it will swim in whatever they yell they want to swim in".

And so the german man climbs on the diving plank, jumps, and yells: Money!
The swimming pool fills itself with money, the man swims around, and climbs out.

Then the english man climbs the diving plank, jumps, and yells: Cookies!
The swimming pool fills itself with cookies, the man swimms around, and climbs out.

Then the dutch man climbs the diving plank, trips, falls into the swimming pool and yells: SHIT!.....

Spoiler

The dutch queen visits the german president. She complains about all the germans calling the dutch dumb. The german president thinks for a while and says: we will do something incredibly stupid, so you dutch can make fun of us this time.

And so the next morning the newspaper says: Germans build bridge in the middle of the desert. The Dutch laugh at the Germans all the day.

But the next morning, its the Germans who are laughing again. The Dutch queen visits the German president again and asks: How come the Germans are laughing at us again? I though you were the ones who did something stupid? Then the president shows the the new newspaper. The front page says: "Dutch fishermen spotted on German bridge in the desert"

Spoiler

A turkish woman is pregnant. She stumbles out of her house, and is about to give birth to her twin.

Then a police woman passes. "oh dear", she says, "quick, come to my car, I've done this before, I can let you give birth to your babies there".
The birth is going well, the first head is coming out. But when the turkish baby sees the police woman he suddenly yells: "Achmed, its the police, quick, get back!"

 

[stubs101]

lol nice.

A father of a snotty son owns a sausage factory. He's top in the business, never sued, and is proud of his business. So one day, he tours his son around on it. His son, being the snotty and spoiled kid he is, never saw work or felt anything but hatred for it, and disliked the factory. The deeper he went into it, the more disdain he felt for it. Towards the "Heart" of the factory, the father thought, "This ought to impress that snobby bastard!"and said, proudly, "Son, here lies the heart of the factory. The best machine for sausages in the whole world! You can put a pig straight in, and out comes strings of sausages!!!" but the jeering son only said, "So... Is the a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" And the infuriated father, boiling inside, finally snapped and screamed, "Yeah.... your mother!!!"

 

[Flare]

lol at dumb priest and snobby kid. pretty rude awakening for the kid ^^

rofl at the pregnant turkish woman and the dutch fishermen jokes, but ive heard a variation of the swimming pool joke (Paddy Irishman jokes ftw )

 

[stubs101]

Yeah... you've got a point. I mean there's the walk off the cliff thing and all that. From here on out, I'll try to get as many people as I can to post jokes at the end of their post... because... well the title is self explanatory.

3 men were lining outside of Heaven's pearly gates, and St. Paul said, "All your previous mistakes are forgiven, but first you must honestly answer me." so St. Paul asked the first man, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" and the man replied, "Oh boy, umm, I lost count... but it was a pretty high number, but all my mistakes are forgiven right?" "Yes. Now heaven is a pretty big place, so you'll need a car. Here is a Pinta, as pitiful as your dedication to your wife." Then he asked the second man, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" "Once in the first year of my marriage, but I 'fessed up and we got past it..." replied the man. "Congratulations, here is a Lincoln Car. You've earned it!" and the man said thanks and rode off past the gates. Then before the Saint could ask the first man, the first man said, "Nope, never! I treated her like a princess!" and St. Paul, impressed, pushed upon the "modest" man, a Jaguar. Then the two men saw him crying on the golden sidewalk and asked what was wrong. "Hey man, you've got a Jaguar, and you're in Heaven! What could possibly be wrong?" And the man looked up, red eyes, puffy face, and said, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard..."

 

[NuBy]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! stubs nice one took me a couple of seconds to get it but thats hilarious!

 

[w/e]

Joke: A man came running into President Bush's office and said, "Sir! 3 Brazilian soldiers just died in Iraq!" and fearfully, the President replied, "Oh, My, God... Exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

 

[stubs101]

Glad you liked it!

Joke: 3 Men were in a desert, starving, wishing for anything as hard as they possibly could. A genie, far away, never heard so much desperate wishing, so he appeared before them. " I will grant each of you one wish, for I heard your pleas and will answer them..." So the first man said, "I want to go home!" and Poof! He was home. The second man said, "I want to go home!" and Poof! He was home. The third man was thinking, and then he realized how lonely he was. He finally said, "I wish my two friends were back here with me."

 

[sjakie]

I know a desert one too

Spoiler

A man is crawling through the desert. "water", he cries, "water". Suddently he sees a caravan. He craws towards it. "water?", he asks. "Sorry sir, I only sell ties" replies the caravan salesman. And so the man crawls further through the desert.

Then he sees a bar in the middle of the desert. Delighted he crawls towards it, but when he wants to enter a man stands in front of him and says: "sorry sir, you're only allowed in here with ties"

 

[stubs101]

Nice one man...

Joke: A blond is in the middle of a soccer field, trying to row through it on a boat and paddles. Then another blond comes along and starts screaming at her, " It's your kind of blonds that make smart ones like us look bad!" and the blond in the boat looks down and mutters, " Sorry..." and the blond on the sidelines replies, "You damn better be. If I could swim, I'd go down there and give you a piece of my mind!"

BTW: Sorry for sinking low as to going for blond jokes. Fresh out of ideas.

 

[stubs101]

Bump

Joke: A man is going home from work, and on the way, he sees a sign: World's Best Whore House 20 miles. He laughs and goes on his way. He's almost home and sees the sign: World's Best Whore House 1 1/2 miles. He goes.. okay. He calls up his wife, says he's going to be late, and takes the exit. He's now at the front door and knocks: A nun answers the door and welcomes him to the church, and he says, "I'm sorry, I went all around the building but I can't find the entrance to the whore house..." and the nun deflated and said, "Is this your first time?" "Yes." He replied. "Follow me. " she beckoned. She said, "Pay the 50$ in the bin and proceed through the door." So he put in a fifty and went through the door. The nun closed and locked it behind him, and he saw a door open a crack in front of him. He went, and slowly opened it, and he was outside the building. He walks a little and the door creaks closed, he turns around, and a sign on it says, "You've been screwed!"

 

[sjakie]

Ima throw in a blond joke too:

Spoiler

A blonde walks to the barber shop. "I want to have my hair cut", she tells the barber. "Sure", he answers, "take a seat". As the blonde sits down he notices she is listening to a mp3. "you will have to put that away for a second ma'am" he says. "I might accidently cut its whires". "No!", yells the blonde.
If it matters so much to her I might as well let her keep it in, thinks the barber.

While he is cutting, he accidently cuts the whire of the mp3 player. The blonde drops dead on the floor. He quickly grabs hold of his phone and calls 911. While waiting for the ambulance he picks up the mp3 player. "I wonder what she was listening" he thinks. He takes a new couple of earplugs, plugs them in, and hears: Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.

 

[stubs101]

Ha! Nice! I did not see that coming...

Joke: A woman goes to confession and says, "Father, forgive me, for I have cheated on my husband." And the priest says, "Go wash in the holy water, and your sins shall be forgiven." And then when she gets out, the priest glances out and sees two more women in line. The second one comes in, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I have killed a man." And the priest, shocked as you might imagine, said, "Go wash in the holy water, and your sins shall be forgiven." Then the third woman walked in and said, "Father, forgive me, for I have taken a dump in the holy water..."

Sorry, I have to put it down before I forget: A man is horny so he goes to a whorehouse and enters. He says, "How much for your finest?" And the girl tells him, he pays, she shows him where, and enters the room. There are about ten girls there, naked, with signs on them saying, "If you catch me, you can have me." So he picks one out, chases her, and finally gets her, then has his way with her. It was amazing! So he pays again, but doesn't have the money, so he pays for the second finest, where the girls are a little older. With the signs around their necks, he catches and then has his way with one. So this time he realized he has less money. He pays for third class, where the girls were old and chunky. He catches them, with ease, and has his way with them. Then he realizes, he has about 3 dollars. He says, "Can this buy me anything?" And she says yes, leads him to the basement, and when he's in, closes and locks the door behind him. He fumbles for the light and when he turns it on. There is a huge ape, with a sign over his head, saying, "If I catch you, you're screwed..."

 

[stubs101]

I have to post this: The Russian President calls George Bush and says, " Excuse me, George, a monopolized condom factory exploded today, and condoms are our number one birth control. Could you send us 10,000 condoms? Make them a foot long and 3 inches thick, red. Thanks." When he hung up, he laughed so hard and told the peeople listening, "Ha! Stupid Americans! They will believe anything!" George Bush on the other hand, went to a condom factory, and told them the specifications. The man said, "Anything else Bush?" and Bush replied, "Oh yeah, print small, and made in the U.S. on every last one of them!"