Remembrance

[Halahan]

This is the new Remembrance.

Prologue

Spoiler

“Galland you bloody fool run!” Aswar ran the other way, looking for his wife. Tears streamed down his ashen face. “Anna, my love, where where where! ANNA!” He screeched, falling to the ground and clawing at the dirt until his fingers were bloody. Too many, Too many he could never find her she was gone, gone. The screams of the stone birds shook the dirt under his boots, making comprehensable thought impossible.
“ANNA!” A glimpse of the pure white dress she had worn that day, shining black hair streaming behind an oval face. He ran, dodging around other people, knocking some to the ground. She saw him too, her eyes, so deep and lovely and scared were locked on his flaying form as he tried to reach her. Her legs started turning, her arm reached out as a plain free of people opened up for Aswar. Both were sprinting now, tears were now visible on her face. They stretched toward each other, ready for an embrace like millions of moments before; Hope sprang into those beautiful brown eyes; So close – and a white light suffused both into oblivion.

 

[Ninva]

After reading a bit I found it wasn't my cup of tea. It read like a prologue and there were a few grammar mistakes which would take me awhile to correct because I couldn't understand what you were really talking about. (I should have read the whole thing and maybe it would have explained.)

Well, it wasn't the best feedback, so you could just ignore this post.

 

[Halahan]

Thx for the feedback I'll read it over again, but did you read the end? because the first half was just explaining some things that were part of the world and stuff, and going quickly from one subject to another. Maybe I'll do more paragraphs.

 

[XXXconanXXX]

Very good. You have a great and gripping writing style, and some very impressive talent.

In the beginning, you draw too many comparisons when talking about the scenery, which makes it sound somewhat convoluted and unfocused.

Also, using incomplete sentences can strengthen a writing style without sounding bad, but in a few portions it seems forced.

"It was a beacon, a second sun, which marked the center of the world. The world. A world. The full world, all fifteen planes. Fifteen planes of existence. All of this world."

"The full world, all fifteen planes." would sound good, if it weren't behind a string of oddly placed incomplete sentences. It's good to use them liberally, but in excess it can sound like a convoluted mess.

Also, is this a narration? It sounds like the all-too-present omniscient, omnipresent 'watcher' 3rd person view, up until: "The third, and do not contradict me when saying that it had been discussed and even fought over countless eras..." completely breaks that and makes it sound like it's from a 1st person view, or perhaps the very, very rare occasion where the emotionless narrator seems to have an ulterior motive.

Besides these three things, it sounds great. I thoroughly enjoyed the interesting, albeit short, introduction to a world that seems rife in content and exposition.

I look forward to reading more of this, and hope you keep it up.

~conan

 

[Halahan]

Thx! The helper is the first time I've ever let another person ever read my stories so I didn't know what people would think. Thx. I'll delete those first to fragments.

About the scenery, I'll try to make it flow more into the explanations. Maybe make something that the explanations describe.

And the narration... You've read Chronicles of Narnia right? well... I always liked how it was almost entirely made of third person, but sometimes it said you it wrote like a person was watching all this, or recording it or such.
maybe I tried to do it a bit to early, bit to forced. I'll delete it.

But thanks a ton for reading!

(I'm actually twelve but I have my birthday in a month, so...)

 

[XXXconanXXX]

Good narrative and great setting. The story as a whole doesn't fall into cliche's and many of the names are imaginative and expressive. Though some of the names sound a bit weird, they all seem to fit the world and don't siphon off one part of the world's culture.

Overall, I really like your writing style, especially for your age. You're years ahead of your time, and you have a truly exceptional skill with writing.

Also, Remembrance is a much better name for the story, imo.

 

[C-Death]

Not bad, not bad at all 5/5

 

[Halahan]

I love you guys! Your so nice.
About the names, I just wanted to do one name with every vowel in the order of the song, (There was a man and his name was A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y or something).
Does anyone know of the name of that legendary Japanese Swordmaster, who wrote the Book of the Five Rings? it was like Mish'oyishiashar'shanmarnsharmsh.
I need the name for my story, and I can't go on until i get it.

 

[XXXconanXXX]

Miyamoto Musashi, founder of the Hyoho Niten Ichi-ryu Style of swordsmanship.

I know that off the top of my head. Very, very cool guy.

 

[Thanatos_820]

Too bad Sasaki Kojiro was pwned by Miyamoto Musashi , I think Sasaki Kojiro is a cool name.

 

[Zelune]

Wow, your writing shows some real promise. As a fantasy reader (and writer) myself, I'm amazed at how good you are at introducing this particular fantasy world. There were several grammatical errors, and it does seem that you like to use fragments a little too often, but both of those problems can be easily remedied.

I have to agree with earlier posts, the narrator part is a bit confusing. You might be better off keeping the narrator 3rd person, as this, however overused, is easier to write and read.

Perhaps my favorite part is the Lites. Too many writers stick to humans, elves, dwarves, and trolls (although... *cough**cough* I might be one of those ). It will be interesting to see what you do with them.

Again, I love what you have done so far (or what you have shown so far) and look forward to reading the rest!

 

[Halahan]

Thx. I'll take the narration out.
I thought of the name from 'Lite' beer lol
Actually I'm writing this story in 1st person. Any of you ever read the Bartimeous Trilogy? (Amulet of Samarkand, Gollum's Eye, Ptolemy's Gate) well, they had kinda two main characters, this magician with great power and this djinn he summoned, and the djinn (a witty, crafty son of a) is in 1st person, but there are chaptesr where it only focuses on the magician in third. Thats what I'm going to do.
Incedently, the 1st person character is Miyamoto Musashi. Thats why I got at the Library The Book of Five rings, this partial history of him, and some medieval tactic and history books.
There aer going to be I think 3 more races, and I'm going to try to make some more environmental differences in the world. Also, why the entire world is covered in mountains: The Tectonic Plates had been under great pressure and strain for thousands of years, so then they cracked into small ones, and really got their groove on, banging into each other so then all them mountains were created.

 

[Zelune]

The Bartimaeus Trilogy is one of my favorite series (up there with the Inheritance Trilogy, LotR, and Harry Potter)! I can see why you would design your narration after that, but it would be rather difficult. Try to invent your own style! That would be the best, rather than copying other authors.

 

[Halahan]

Saying that I'm copying that would kinda be like saying your copying every writer who wrote in 3rd person

 

[Zelune]

Saying that I'm copying that would kinda be like saying your copying every writer who wrote in 3rd person

Well, seeing as there are only 3 distinctive styles of narration (and one is extremely difficult to write in), I'd say the cases are slightly different. Even so, I am not saying that you are copying, merely that you are modeling your writing after someone else, which is not uncommon, but realize that we are only talking about published books that have distinctive writing styles/attributes.

 

[Halahan]

Its not that distinctive. Its just a way that I like that is more ... whats the word... idk but I'm just saying that its something probably many writers do.

(For ex., when jules Verne and HG wells basically invented Sci Fi, not like everyone felt like they were copying him... not really... Idk I just thought of that, and It is kind've a relationship.

 

[GooS]

I've read the Prologue (since you commented mine, ill comment yours) and its great, some passages are really good written, but some just dont fit the theme, like you should find synonymous words that fit better.

ex: "There was something purely theoretical about this patch" it just doesnt sound "old" or "fantasy" as the rest of the story, but passages like " the spire led up through a silver mist, disappearing quickly into the swirling vapor" sounds really neat, its just something you really can imagine.

And the "sentence" , "The world. A world. The full world, all fifteen planes. Fifteen planes of existence. All of this world" sound repeated, which may or is the point BUT it could be better put, like " One World, A World, This World, fifteen planes of obscure and deviant existences"
this is however only my thought, if you need yours for the rest of the story it should remain.

Overall the many great parts, overthrow the few bad parts and its great, ill read chapter 1 later .

//==GooS

 

[Halahan]

Aight, I'll try to make the theortical thing sound more descriptive. like 'It looked purely theoretical' or something.

And I thought I had already changed that, sorry. conan told me that and I changed it, but apparently not.

and thx for reading, my thread has been a little slow lately.

Oh, and the first chapter isn't as long as it looks.

DONE WITH SECOND CHAPTER

 

[Pineapple]

Well I read it, i read it before, just never posted.

Prologue:

...patch of ground that was so white that if it had snowed on it, the snow would have looked black.

That is just a horrible line. I probably felt good at the time but read it over a few times and you will see.

Chapter 1:

Tutikamun

Tutankhamen? lol joking with ya it doesn't matter just a similarity i noticed.

world. And

Don't start sentences with conjunctions, there is a reason they have that name.

Chapter 2:

Not much to say about this one, except, i had no idea what was happening. :\

----------------------------------------------

This type of story isn't my cup of tea, though it is good.

Now the reason i hate 1st person, is the person a boy or a girl?

 

[Halahan]

The I is Myamoto Musashi, Annorah is another main character, a Lite. Myamoto was pulled out of time and put in the Blood Sun, the second world thing that the humans built that stretches from a thin spire into the sky. He is basically exploring around there and such.

I think I meant to do it has Tutankhamen. didn't know how to spell.

I'll try to clarify whats happening. Could you tell me what made you not understand it? That would help a great deal.

I'll clarify that he's Myamoto Musashi too.

Thanks for the comment, finally.