Dusk and Memory / As I Walk Randomly

ertaboy356b

Old School Gamer
I would like to learn writing. Yeah my english sucks but that's because I've been learning english as a fourth language (the country I was born in has lots of dialects). To no further ado, here's my short poem:

Dusk and Memory
A solemn sea out of the blue,
Reflects my happy memory of you,
A flashback of sweet romance,
Flows through my mind like sands in a glass.
The sea is calm just like my heart,
The beat is like a love song's start,
The calm blue sky shifts to indigo,
Cause time goes by, remember me so.


As I Walk Randomly

So I walk around and around,
Feeling the warmth of the world,
Seeing and hearing things and sounds,
Without fear upon the high roads.
As I walk by a street full of flowers and stuff,
Also stumble on a place where I see people’s crafts,
Along the road of nothing but green,
It was a peaceful day or so it seems.
The cold breeze blew into my nose,
And sends me chilling up to the bones,
I wasn't afraid, I must face the world,
It’s what I want, that’s why I’m bold.
So far it’s been an empty white place,
With nothing but cold flakes and haze,
A winter wonderland of frozen rain,
Which calms my mind and eases my pain.
Sands on the shore, what a solemn place,
And yes it’s warm, relaxation phase,
The sea is big, the sky is blue,
You know that place where coconuts grew.
And so I ran towards that big ocean room,
And swam over a mile from shore,
The warmth of the sea melts my cold desires,
My wandering mind, the fuel of the fire.
 

KMilz

You can change this now in User CP.
Looks like you had fun. I thought the line in the first poem, "The beat is like a love song's start," to be well done. To be critical, it was the only one that really roused any sense of imagery besides the fourth line, which is worded kinda weird and makes you stop and think about it. I enjoyed it for a nice, quick read, though.
 

ertaboy356b

Old School Gamer
Thanks for the feedback. I guess I really need to develop a way to put image into words. Any tips in poem writing?
 

KMilz

You can change this now in User CP.
Nope, I'm no good at writing. They were still pretty nice, it's just more beneficial to hear what's not perfect about them than to get empty praise.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
good: ideas, themes present, rhyming, some of the writing. Especially since english is not your native language, this is very impressive
How you could improve: The poem lacks rhythm. If you meant for it to be more of a free verse type poem, then no worries, if not, work on that. Overall its not bad. Really the best advice I can give is just read a bunch of English poetry. Keep reading it and reading it, that will be your best teacher.
Also "And sends me chilling up to the bones". That's not really an expression, your bones are everywhere, not just at the top of you. It would be more something like 'And sends me chills straight to my bones' or something.
 

ertaboy356b

Old School Gamer
Thanks for the tips, I'm reading some poetry over the internet right now. I might write another next time, maybe when I'm not busy with programming work.
 

FireCat

Oh Shi.. Don't wake the tiger!
Dusk and Memory
A solemn sea out of the blue,
Reflects my happy memory of you,
A flashback of sweet romance,
Flows through my mind like sands in a glass.
The sea is calm just like my heart,
The beat is like a love song's start.
Hey, I like your poem !
 
General chit-chat
Help Users
  • No one is chatting at the moment.
  • The Helper The Helper:
    I was hoping you were going to say you wanted to be a cook and wished to open up a Food Truck there are so many opportunities for that here
  • The Helper The Helper:
    you can only open the bar if you sell food and a food truck in the parking lot counts
  • The Helper The Helper:
    here in houston
  • The Helper The Helper:
    most bars are struggling to build food prep and even some I know are doing there own food trucks
  • The Helper The Helper:
    but yeah man you should come to Houston there is so much more opportunity here than San Antonio. Just look at all the homeless people on the Riverwalk and downtown there you cannot even walk down the street without getting mobbed them
  • The Helper The Helper:
    check out this place apparently it is the best roommate site out there roommates.com lol
  • Varine Varine:
    The homeless people reminded me of New York
  • Varine Varine:
    I'll check it out, my lease expires in like a few months so I need to figure something out.
  • Varine Varine:
    I tried to open a food truck in Sandpoint a few years ago but the city said no, then like two years later they passed new laws to encourage it and gave them all fucking tax breaks and shit. And at that point I didn't have enough money to go buy one so I was way too late to the game once other cities realized they could just bring their existing truck there, or sell their brick and mortar.
  • Varine Varine:
    I do like food trucks though, they're way more fun than restaurants and usually I also get some of that tip money there.
  • Varine Varine:
    Restaurants are really hard if you don't have a back up source of income to fund them sometimes, in my experience most owners either got really really lucky, had existing money that allowed them to buy an already successful one, or they have family money to fall back on for loans. It's few and far between to see very inspiring success stories where the person actually got it through hard work and perseverance. I thought about opening one lots and I always just end up not thinking it'll work. I would much rather just find someone that has that money and go work for them
  • The Helper The Helper:
    i am not talking about opening a brick and mortar I am talking about food trucks though I have seen some brick and mortar mexican places open up during covid that are doing good because there food is awesome!
  • The Helper The Helper:
    Food trucks are killing out here because Bars cannot open unless they sell food and the governor ok'd the use of a food truck in front as serving food
  • The Helper The Helper:
    Just not enough food trucks
  • The Helper The Helper:
    a buddy of mine just opened up a food truck and he is killing it but he is a great cook and has awesome food right in the middle of the pandemic too food trucks are immune to pandemic because they are take out in Texas you will always be able to get take out or delivery
  • The Helper The Helper:
    He is in the different food facebook groups in houston and posts videos of him making his food
  • The Helper The Helper:
    he is killing it
  • jonas jonas:
    @Varine with the restaurants, there surely is a lot of luck and hard work but most restaurants fail because they suck. Flair isn't right, economics not well thought through, food is mediocre or sucks, location is bad, etc. If you're thinking about opening one, make sure you're looking at the stories of those that would be playing at your level, don't let your hopes be dragged down by all the subpar restaurants out there.
  • jonas jonas:
    I'm a bit worried about the future of data science, there's an influx of incompetent people hired by incompetent managers, that can't last. But I'm sure smart data scientists will always be useful and hireable. Same as smart security people.
  • jonas jonas:
    My sister in law worked in a vegan food truck, the owners were also making a killing, added several trucks and opened two restaurants over 5 years
  • Ghan Ghan:
    The CompTIA stuff is pretty much crap unfortunately. The places that ask for those low-level certs aren't likely places you want to work. For IT you really want a degree, but in the meantime you need to figure out some way to learn the skills. Cybersecurity is really hot right now so competition is fierce.
  • tom_mai78101 tom_mai78101:
    I realized I don't have anything much to say, other than "Good luck!". Compared to other places, I'm just very lucky we didn't have a lot of surges of cases coming in.
  • The Helper The Helper:
    My daughter just got back from school at Georgetown TX, outside of Austin and said there were 100 cases in the last week but she also said nobody was wearing a mask anywhere so people mask up and stay safe!
    +2
  • thewrongvine thewrongvine:
    happy thanksgiving folks!
    +1

    Staff online

    • Ghan
      Administrator - Servers are fun

    Members online

    Affiliates

    Hive Workshop
    Top