Dusk and Memory / As I Walk Randomly

Discussion in 'The Writer's Corner' started by ertaboy356b, Feb 5, 2014.

  1. ertaboy356b

    ertaboy356b Old School Gamer

    Ratings:
    +87 / 1 / -0
    I would like to learn writing. Yeah my english sucks but that's because I've been learning english as a fourth language (the country I was born in has lots of dialects). To no further ado, here's my short poem:

    Dusk and Memory
    A solemn sea out of the blue,
    Reflects my happy memory of you,
    A flashback of sweet romance,
    Flows through my mind like sands in a glass.
    The sea is calm just like my heart,
    The beat is like a love song's start,
    The calm blue sky shifts to indigo,
    Cause time goes by, remember me so.


    As I Walk Randomly

    So I walk around and around,
    Feeling the warmth of the world,
    Seeing and hearing things and sounds,
    Without fear upon the high roads.

    As I walk by a street full of flowers and stuff,
    Also stumble on a place where I see people’s crafts,
    Along the road of nothing but green,
    It was a peaceful day or so it seems.

    The cold breeze blew into my nose,
    And sends me chilling up to the bones,
    I wasn't afraid, I must face the world,
    It’s what I want, that’s why I’m bold.

    So far it’s been an empty white place,
    With nothing but cold flakes and haze,
    A winter wonderland of frozen rain,
    Which calms my mind and eases my pain.

    Sands on the shore, what a solemn place,
    And yes it’s warm, relaxation phase,
    The sea is big, the sky is blue,
    You know that place where coconuts grew.

    And so I ran towards that big ocean room,
    And swam over a mile from shore,
    The warmth of the sea melts my cold desires,
    My wandering mind, the fuel of the fire.
     
  2. KMilz

    KMilz You can change this now in User CP.

    Ratings:
    +156 / 3 / -0
    Looks like you had fun. I thought the line in the first poem, "The beat is like a love song's start," to be well done. To be critical, it was the only one that really roused any sense of imagery besides the fourth line, which is worded kinda weird and makes you stop and think about it. I enjoyed it for a nice, quick read, though.
     
  3. ertaboy356b

    ertaboy356b Old School Gamer

    Ratings:
    +87 / 1 / -0
    Thanks for the feedback. I guess I really need to develop a way to put image into words. Any tips in poem writing?
     
  4. KMilz

    KMilz You can change this now in User CP.

    Ratings:
    +156 / 3 / -0
    Nope, I'm no good at writing. They were still pretty nice, it's just more beneficial to hear what's not perfect about them than to get empty praise.
     
  5. KaerfNomekop

    KaerfNomekop Swim, fishies. Swim through the veil of steel.

    Ratings:
    +609 / 0 / -0
    I find the tenses a bit confusing to follow, but maybe that's just me.
     
  6. Halahan

    Halahan To die will be an awfully big adventure.

    Ratings:
    +53 / 0 / -0
    good: ideas, themes present, rhyming, some of the writing. Especially since english is not your native language, this is very impressive
    How you could improve: The poem lacks rhythm. If you meant for it to be more of a free verse type poem, then no worries, if not, work on that. Overall its not bad. Really the best advice I can give is just read a bunch of English poetry. Keep reading it and reading it, that will be your best teacher.
    Also "And sends me chilling up to the bones". That's not really an expression, your bones are everywhere, not just at the top of you. It would be more something like 'And sends me chills straight to my bones' or something.
     
  7. ertaboy356b

    ertaboy356b Old School Gamer

    Ratings:
    +87 / 1 / -0
    Thanks for the tips, I'm reading some poetry over the internet right now. I might write another next time, maybe when I'm not busy with programming work.
     
  8. FireCat

    FireCat Oh Shi.. Don't wake the tiger!

    Ratings:
    +553 / 7 / -18
    Hey, I like your poem !
     

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