Naughty Answers

[mase]

I found this on another forum I go to. I rofl'd at it:



Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says : "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".



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A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, " send me a brother". Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER".





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What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress





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Husband asks his wife:"Do u know that the word WIFE stands for:


W ithoutInformation Fighting Every-time ... Wife responded:


"No,...... It means: With Idiot For Ever !!!"





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What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, but Panic is when both are pregnant.


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Grammer Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period? Kid: Yeah,once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.



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A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential? Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that IS confidential.

 

[New_U.S.]

This one has some not so naughty answers xD

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Harry both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

 

[Sil3nt]

Woman: Men..where would you be without us...
Man: In the garden of eden you stupid bitch!

 

[Shimergloom]

Found these on a site.

The Push

Spoiler

A man is asleep in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and its half past three in the morning.

“Damn! I’m not getting out of bed this time of night!” he thinks and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asked his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and finds a man standing at the door.

It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there!” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No! Get lost! It’s half past three. I was in bed.” Says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to ‘get lost’?”

“But the guy is drunk” said the husband.

“It doesn’t matter.” Says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts “Hey, do you still need a push??” and he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

And the drunk replies “I’m over here, on your swing.”

Random 1

Spoiler

A man bumps into a woman at a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quiet startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”

She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221.”

Random 2

Spoiler

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm. The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

Pickle Slicer

Spoiler

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day, a few weeks later. Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

“What’s wrong Bill?” she asked.

“Do you remember that I told you that I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, Bill, you didn’t” she exclaimed.

“Yes I did” he replied.

“My God, Bill what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

“Oh…she got fired too.”

Old Couple

Spoiler

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table on morning when the wife says, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know.” The old man said. “We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.”

“Well,” granny snickered “Let’s relive some old times.” Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied.

“My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised” replied gramps.

“One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”

Random 3

Spoiler

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!). "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day."

Random 4

Spoiler

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry".
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yea God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Random 5

Spoiler

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners
to fifth graders asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have
to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get
to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

 

[mase]

Woman: Men..where would you be without us...
Man: In the garden of eden you stupid bitch!

LOL! That is hilarious!
Shimergloom has some good ones too xD