Ayumilove's MyStory

[Krys A Night]

Ayumi, there isn't much to work off at all. It's so short that I'm curious to know what it is, but there isn't anything there to really bring the reader into it. I would suggest some serious fleshing out of the story, tell what the "dream world" looks like more, add in more details other than just the moon wells and the faeries.

It seems like it could be a really good story, if you wrote more then maybe a reader could get into it more.

 

[ayumilove]

i have other things to work on ^_^ "

such as coding and stuff (not jass coding, some other coding langauge using jcreator)

 

[Sevion]

if you have time you should add details! when people ask me how I wright so well in my stories I always reply Details and Description or as my 7th grade English teacher called it D&D I once wrote about my toe (It got smashed and the toenail got ripped off) and everyone that read it said it was an instant hook and they really loved my story. I could write about anything. In the end it really comes down to how vivid and creative your imagination can get.

Here's my version of your story:


A long time ago in a place not so far from here lived a beautiful girl named Ayumi. She lived in the grand Dream Forest of (some place for now I'll improvise) Alabraska. Alabraska was a large country ruled by an evil king. The Dream Forest was inhabited by the wondrous and magical creatures of Berothia (The land mass on which Alabraska is located). Ayumi was constantly surrounded by the beautiful trees, flowers, and creatures. The most magical creatures were the Fairies. The reason the forest is called the Dream Forest of Alabraska is because of the generous spell that the Fairies placed on the forest. It makes any intruder cross into a dream-like state which doesn't allow any living creature to harm anything within the forest.

One day Ayumi befriended a Fairy named Chibi. Chibi was a very odd Fairy for, unlike the other Fairies, she/he (whatever gender you want) could not control magic very well. Everyone knows that every Fairy has an innate ability to control magic. They were the greatest magic users second only to the Elves of the North whom are also known as The Fair Folk (From Eragon and Eldest, Hint: Use other books for ideas. MAKE SURE TO CREDIT IT! OR ELSE ITS CALLED PLAGERISM! (spelling?)). Well, Ayumi and Chibi were searching for the wondrous Sun Dew Water from the various Moon Wells when they stumbled upon an injured fawn that came in from outside of the forest. It had been injured by a Human's bow and arrow. (this is my type of time change it if you wish) Ayumi could not control magic for she was a Human (whatever race you want, if her race is capable of magic make a twist, like she cant use magic, and she and Chibi learn to later on) so Chibi took up the courage to try and save the poor dying animal's life. Chibi chanted "(your choice of magical words here while I use Wies Heil, also from Eragon and Eldest) Wies Heil!". A blue-green glow started to emit from Chibi's hands. The wound appeared to seal up but after a few seconds the blue-green glow started to dissipate and the fawn started to thrash viciously in the glade. Ayumi stared as the fawn closed its eyes. Chibi got up and ran away. Ayumi could see the droplets of her tears in the air......



Okay, I wouldn't want to make it too easy for you. If this was my story I would add Dwarves, Dragons, Nymphs, the Mighty Centaurs, and most likely create my own race like Marmuls, Marguls, something like that and make them like ape-like creatures with gigantic curved horns, fangs, and the ability to go into a savage bloodlust. BTW I'm Naruto0519 on www.YouTube.com you should know me.

 

[RangerX]

Realy nice story! ! i have seen that you have been banned again ... from youtube ... and some opinion about the story nice combining you imagination and warcraft :X realy like it )

 

[Sil3nt]

Another necromancer.

 

[Halahan]

"They were the greatest magic users second only to the Elves of the North whom are also known as The Fair Folk (From Eragon and Eldest, Hint: Use other books for ideas. MAKE SURE TO CREDIT IT! OR ELSE ITS CALLED PLAGERISM! "

I have a few problems with this.

one, The Fair Folk was used long before Eragon and Eldest.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eiddileg

two, Do not use other books for ideas. As in do not use different names and ideas and stuff from different books to create a story.
an example- Once in a galaxy far, far away there was a world called middle earth. Magic ran strong through the veins of the land and many fearsome and wonderful creatures dwelt there. But all was not well.

In the third age a man named Galbatorix rose up and, mustering the strength of the dragons, conquered middle earth.

that was slightly overused, and not very good at that, but you get my point. Thats not your story. I didn't really have to make up anything for that. You can sort of use ideas for stories from other books. like from the Lord of the Rings, it might give you the idea that there can be a powerful magical artifact thats causing trouble, but don't use a ring of power that had control over all others.

Three, I'm not positive on this but I don't think you can publish a fan fiction of Eragon (or use ideas from it in a separate novel) even if you credit your ideas to it. Don't hold me to that, I'm I think thats right.

 

[duyen]

You do realize this is a year old?

 

[Halahan]

whoa thought you were the helper.
Well, someone else brought it back, cause it was on the front page when I checked the WC.

 

[thewrongvine]

Nemhur.

Well, when are you going to put more? Right now, you can't really get too much of what's going on... When you want to put something here, maybe it'd be better if you wrote it in another document like Word or Notepad; when you have a considerably good amount of writing to show and you want critism (or just wanna show), then show it.

But good luck anyway. :thup: