Joke of the Day [Retired]

[Monsterous]

Same joke, different ingredients as #70: Cover Up?
http://www.thehelper.net/forums/showpost.php?p=858698&postcount=250

I saw that ~ but i didnt want to be rude / demoralising

Its hard to find funny jokes (nearly) every day!

 

[Pineapple]

changed and fixed. :>

 

[Pineapple]

Piano​

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"

"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.

"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."

 

[Pineapple]

Double Negative​

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah right."

 

[Pineapple]

Hunting with a wife​

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."

 

[Jedimindtrixxx]

i dont get it? well i get it, the lion is stuffed with his wife(?), is there somthing im missing? like some kind of dirty joke?

 

[Cheesy]

Hunting with a wife​

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn* the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."

* - Should be In.

 

[Darthfett]

Double Negative​

Owned. Great joke!

i dont get it? well i get it, the lion is stuffed with his wife(?), is there somthing im missing? like some kind of dirty joke?

You got it. You're not missing anything. I don't think the punch line timing was very good.

 

[CaptDeath]

the lion eat here I presume

 

[Knight7770]

the lion eat here I presume

Of course he didn't. He stuffed the lion with her.

 

[Pineapple]

Mozart​

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

 

[gameman]

Mozart​

Well that was just such a bad joke it was funny!

 

[Pineapple]

Locked Out​

A blond was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith.

"I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous blond.

"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.

"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the blond. "It’s starting to rain and my top is open."

 

[Azlier]

[del]S[/del]He's a genius.

 

[Prometheus]

Meeting the Irish Mother​

A young Irish lad takes the girl he loves to meet his family.

The matriarch of the family asks the girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is your occupation?"

The girl hesitantly says, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

Immediately, the lad's mother faints. After regaining consciousness, she asks again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I heard you correctly. What is your occupation?"

Again the girl says, "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

The mother laughs, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought you said you were a Protestant!"

 

[Pineapple]

Philosophy Exam
​

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."

 

[Pineapple]

Horses at the Race​

Panda A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

 

[Jedimindtrixxx]

god damn jockeys

 

[Pineapple]

Must help the wife​

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

 

[Prometheus]

Just made me lol.