Joke of the Day [Retired]

[Pineapple]

This is a new idea for the humour zone. I will be posting a joke each and every day. If I cannot post one, then I will ask another person to do it. The Thread will be open for comments. Please do not post jokes here.

You may send me a private message to submit a joke of the day.

Joke Index​

1. A Bush by the River (Link)
2. It's Just Punctuation (Link)
3. 20 Dollars is a Deal (Link)
4. Pregnant Indicter (Link)
5. Dishwasher (Link)
6. Private Parking (Link)
7. The British Isle (Link)
8. Everything Needs Balance (Link)
9. Wishing Well (Link)
10. You have to prove it (Link)
11. Forum Mechanics (Link)
12. Heavens Mistake (Link)
13. Thats a load of bull (Link)
14. How... uplifting (Link)
15. Cashing in (Link)
16. Perch (Link)
17. It's a gamble (Link)
18. Talking Chicken (Link)
19. Crosswords are tricky (Link)
20. Donation (Link)
21. Stop or slow down (Link)
22. Jesus is watching you (Link)
23. Multiplying like rabbits (Link)
24. Got any grapes? (Link)
25. Hung (Link)
26. * (Link)
27. Guillotine (Link)
28. Wise Choice (Link)
29. Wrong Bank (Link)
30. Super Jerk (Link)
31. Sauages (Link)
32. 11th times the charm (Link)
33. Icing on the cake (Link)
34. Docter, docter! (Link)
35. Dishes (Link)
36. Potentially and Realistically (Link)
37. Suprising Buttsecks (Link) ~Submitted by Anman64.
38. Sounds right... (Link) ~Submitted by esb.
39. I would be suspicious too... (Link)
40. First time (Link)
41. Hey, if you say so (Link) ~Submitted by Jaujarahje
42. That is worse (Link)
43. Fives a crowd (Link)
44. Bi-annually (Link)
45. Prescription (Link) ~Submitted by The Helper
46. Accidents (Link)
47. Psychology of a lightbulb (Link)
48. Striping (Link)
49. Blonde kidnapper (Link)
50. Masked matron (Link) ~Submitted by The Helper
51. Jesus would be pissed (Link) ~Submitted by The Helper
52. Kickin' (Link)
53. No dogs allowed (Link)
54. Short ones (Link)
55. Reward (Link)
56. The good and the bad (Link)
57. Closer to home (Link)
58. In the car (Link)
59. Makes sense (Link)
60. Fishing (Link)
61. Drowning your problems (link)
62. What size (Link)
63. Offer (Link)
64. Shoes (Link)
65. Extended Family (Link)
66. Cleansing (Link)
67. Affairs (Link)
68. Pharmacist (Link)
69. Choices (Link)
70. Cover Up (Link)
71. Bigger is better (Link)
72. Careers (Link)
73. Lottery (Link)
74. Robotic Bar (Link)
75. Mr. Fix It (Link)
76. Perspective (Link)
77. Almost caught (Link)
78. Hearing problems (Link)
79. Nothing (Link)
80. I have good and bad news (Link) ~Submitted by Gameman
81. Encouraging words (Link)
82. Two is better than one (Link)
83. Baseball in Heaven (Link) ~Submitted by Seb!
84. $500 (Link)
85. Anythnig (Link)
86. Lolly pops (Link)
87. Thumbs Up! (Link) ~Submitted by Sil3nt
88. Sweet Old Lady (Link) ~Submitted by Chao
89. Never Lie (Link) ~Submitted by Anman64
90. All at once (Link)
91. Always right (Link)
92. Three Kicks (Link) ~Submitted by kc102
93. Product placement (Link)
94. Check up (Link)
95. Gravity, who needs it (Link)
96. On the line (Link)
97. Iron woman (Link)
98. Truthful (Link)
99. Rope (Link)
100. Lunches (Link)
101. Capitals (Link)
102. Bicycling (Link)
103. What lane (Link)
104. Ugly (Link)
105. Priorities (Link)
106. Wagon (Link) ~Submitted by Anman64
107. Commitment (Link)
108. Just a little longer (Link)
109. It takes two (Link)
110. It's ok doc. (Link) ~Submitted by kc102
111. Thrice (Link)
112. Tomatoes (Link)
     [*]Bill (Link)
     [*]Circus Material (Link)
     [*]Road Trip (Link)
     [*]Puddles (Link)
     [*]Pinion (Link)
     [*]Glued to you (Link)
     [*]Quack (Link)
113. Postman (Link)
114. Doorbell (Link)
115. Pipeline (Link)
116. Job Performance (Link)
117. Stiff ones (Link)
118. Like a baby (Link)
119. true father (Link)
120. Drinking (Link)
121. Virgin (Link)
122. Tricky (Link)
123. Elevator of youth (Link)
124. Blind (Link)
125. Hour (Link)
126. Wsdom teeth (Link)
127. One seat (Link)
128. Nah (Link)
129. Too Sensitive (Link)
130. Chunks (Link)
131. Widow (Link)
132. Obvious (Link)
133. Moon Walker (Link)
134. Bigger (Link)
135. Hard one (Link)
136. He's fine (Link)
137. Oral Treatment (Link)
138. Head and shoulders (Link)
139. Plotless (Link)
140. Ballsy (Link)
141. Feeling (Link)
142. BB (Link)
143. Pregnant (Link)
144. Business (Link)
145. Hair Spray (Link)
146. It's true (Link)
147. Punishment (Link)
148. Spreading (Link)
149. Last day (Link)
150. Half (Link)
151. Old Boat (Link)
152. Grill (Link)
153. Tips (Link)
154. Proportions (Link)
155. Bull 365 (Link)
156. Extra large (Link)
157. Dam (Link)
158. Taxi driver (Link)
159. Juggle (Link)
160. Theft (Link)
161. Artistic value (Link)
162. Barber (Link)
163. Christmas Pysics (Link)
164. Counting (Link)
165. In use (Link)
166. This pear (Link)
167. Tuna (Link)
168. Clear lie (Link)
169. Not in line (Link)
170. Pilot and engineer (Link)
171. Screwing (Link)
172. Sisten logical (Link)
173. Bedroom golf (Link)
174. Monica (Link)
175. Aging (Link)
176. Punishment (Link)
     [*]Men at work (Link)
     [*]Communist weather expert (Link)
     [*]Air force one charity (Link)
     [*]The blonde flight attendent (Link)
     [*]Essential desert objects (Link)
     [*]Blonde horse rance (Link)
     [*]Prison mail (Link)
     [*]Neighborly competition (Link)
     [*]Skin Transplant Surgery (Link)
     [*]Sax bathroom (Link)
     [*]Golfer goes to the emergancy room (Link)
     [*]Little Johnny... stand up in room (Link)
     [*]15 Signs you drank too much (Link)
     [*]Playing Doctor (Link)
     [*]Cat Rescue (Link)
177. Hard to hear (Link)
178. Artisic Thief (Link)
179. Tickle me Elmo (Link)

Duck Week
Posted By KC102

 

[Pineapple]

A Bush by the River​

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

 

[Pineapple]

It's Just Puctuation​

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

 

[duyen]

Roflmaoooooooooooooooooo

 

[Crusher]

So only you can decide joke of the day? xD

 

[Sil3nt]

Affirmative.

 

[Pineapple]

20 Dollars is a Deal​

There's this attractive woman who decides to go out with her friends for a drink one night after work. She's sitting in the bar talking to her friends, when she looks up at the door and notices this drop dead gorgeous guy walk in, and she just stares at him. Now, her being an attractive woman, he notices her, too, and stares back. To her surprise, he starts coming straight toward her. He gets there and she's about to apologize for staring at him when he leans over and whispers in her ear, "I'll do anything you want, no matter how kinky, for only $20, but there's one condition."

She stares at him in shock for a moment and then asks, "what's the condition?"

He says, "You have to say it in three words."

Well, she thinks for a moment and then fishes a pen out of her purse and grabs a napkin. She writes her home address on the napkin and gets $20 out and hands both to the man. She looks deeply into his eyes and says, "clean my house."

 

[UndeadDragon]

Lmao, that's great

 

[Pineapple]

Pregnant Indicter​

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.


But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."

 

[UndeadDragon]

Another good one there

 

[Jaujarahje]

i think this last one was the best by far lol

 

[Draphoelix]

Funny. It's your own jokes or you got them from a website/heard from friends?

_____________________________
Signature FTW

 

[Flare]

Funny. It's your own jokes or you got them from a website/heard from friends?

I'd guess website/heard from friends/whatever (for some of them, at least). I've heard Pregnant Indicator and 20 Dollars is a Deal before

Bush one was awesome

 

[Draphoelix]

I wonder when he is going to make jokes about pineapples


_____________________________
Signature FTW

 

[Pineapple]

Dishwasher​

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?

Slap her.

 

[Seb!]

That's a great one

 

[Pineapple]

Private Parking​

One day a little boy and a little girl are in the closet at school and they both drop their pants and pull up their dress, they point to each others privates and ask 'What's that?'

They both say 'I don't know'

The little boy goes home, runs up to his father and drops his pants. He asks his father 'What's that?'

His father replies 'That is your little Ferrari, you can park it wherever you want.'

The little girl goes home, runs up to her mother, pulls up her dress and says 'Mummy, what's that?'

Her mother replies 'That is your private parking space, no one can ever park there.'

The next day they little boy and the little girl are in the closet again and they both drop their pants and pull up their dress and say 'What's that?'
The little boy explains 'This is my ferrari. Dad said i can park it wherever i want.'

The little girl says 'This is my parking space, Mum says that no one can ever park there'

That afternoon the little girl comes home with blood on her hands. Her mother exclaims 'What happened? Why do you have blood on your hands?'

The little girl explains 'The little boy tried to park his ferrari in my parking space, so i ripped its back wheels off.'

 

[UndeadDragon]

Oooh, painful

Off-topic: Change of pineapple in your avatar

 

[FireCat]

Some are really hilarious to read.

 

[Pineapple]

The British Isle​

One day, 8 men were sailing on a boat. 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, 2 Welshmen, and 2 Englishman. Suddenly, their boat is wrecked upon a desert island.

One year later:

The two Irishmen are still fighting on the beach.

The two Scotsmen have built a still.

The two Welshmen have started up a choir.

And the two Englishmen are still waiting around to be introduced to each other.