Joke of the Day [Retired]

[Xapphire]

Hahaha Lmao!!! That was very, very good!

 

[Sil3nt]

Also 1 moderator to lock the topic.

 

[duyen]

1 admin that think's its hilarious to unlock it.

 

[Pineapple]

Heavens Mistake​

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're the engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer from?"

 

[Pineapple]

Thats a load of bull​

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. One was called Daisy while the other was called Dolly.

Daisy said to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," replies Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!"

 

[Sil3nt]

Heavens Mistake​

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're the engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer from?"

I see what was done there.

 

[Crusher]

Very nice jokes...

 

[Pineapple]

How... uplifting​

A little girl finds her cat dead in the garden with its feet sticking up in the air. she tells her dad who buries the cat. The little girl asks, 'Why were his legs in the air?'.

Her dad answers, 'They do that so that it makes it easier for jesus to come down and take the soul up to heaven'. This makes sense to the little girl, who stays at the grave to arrange the flowers.

A few days later, she runs up to her dad, shouting, 'Daddy! Daddy! Mommy almost died today!'.

Her dad says, 'Tell me what happened!'

So the little girl says, 'Mommy was shouting, 'jesus, i'm coming!' and if it weren't for the mailman holding her down, she surely would have been gone, daddy.'

 

[UndeadDragon]

I lmao is all I can say.

 

[Pineapple]

Cashing in​

A man and his wife have been married for 40 years. On the day of their wedding, though, the man said to the woman:

"My love, I only have one thing to ask of you. From this day forward I am going to keep a small wooden box under the bed. Please... never, ever open it. Ever. That's all I want."

Being the faithful wife she is, she happily agreed. And for the entire 40 years of her marriage, she managed to keep herself from opening it. But on their 40th anniversary, she could no longer hold back, and opened the box.

Inside it were two empty beer bottles, some dimes, and a huge wad of bills. There must've been almost two thousand dollars in that box. Confused, she closed the box, returned it to its place, and got ready for her anniversary dinner with her husband.

At dinner, she admitted what she had done. The husband seemed surprised at first, but not angry.

"Well, you've been such a faithful wife to me for 40 years now, so I guess you deserve to know about it. You see, dear... I'm ashamed to say it, but whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer bottle in that box to remind myself never to do it again."

So... there were two beer bottles.

She loved him so much, and after all, they'd been together for 40 years. She forgave him.

"But, what about all the money in the box?" she asked.

he said, "Well, every time the box filled up with bottles I cashed them in."

 

[Seb!]

Lol thats like 40,000 times. XD

 

[Jaujarahje]

ha thats a great one
moral: never trust anyone, even your spouse

 

[Black Hawk]

LAWL.
The best thread idea ever.:thup:

 

[Pineapple]

Perch​

Two parrots sat on a perch. One turns to the other and says "can you smell fish?"

 

[sqrage]

I don't get it.

 

[monoVertex]

Me neither .

 

[Pineapple]

Perch is a type of fish

 

[Jaujarahje]

clever

 

[Pineapple]

It's a gamble​

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

 

[duyen]

^^ head another version of that joke before.