Joke of the Day [Retired]

[Pineapple]

I dont get it. Also, dogs rock.

not much to get, it was just a slightly funny poem. reason? I had ltos to do today, so I put it up as a place holder untill I could find a joke. Luckilly, I finished all the stuff quickly.

 

[Jaujarahje]

ha kinda lame but still funny

 

[Pineapple]

Got any grapes?​

A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "Nope."

The duck walks out.

The next day, the duck comes back and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "Still, nope."

The next day after that, the duck comes back again and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender goes into a rage and screams, "If you ask me that one more time, I'll nail your beak shut!"

The duck walks out.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

The bartender looks at the duck, confused, and says, "No..."

The duck says, "Good. Got any grapes?

 

[Jaujarahje]

ha clever clever duck

 

[Crusher]

Nice jokes..

 

[Pineapple]

Hung​

On a very hot summer day, a woman notices a neighbor lady struggling in the heat to mow the lawn while her husband sits on the porch in the shade drinking a nice cold beer. She becomes furious and heads over and confronts the man. "You inconsiderate bastard, you should be hung".

The man replies, "I am, that's why she's mowing the grass!".

 

[Pineapple]

*​

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

 

[Jaujarahje]

someone really should put that as their password lol

 

[Pineapple]

Guillotine​

A doctor, a lawyer,and an engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine.

The doctor is first. The executioner straps him down, hoists the glittering blade aloft, and lets it drop...whereupon it sticks about halfway down.

Now, it's a well-known tradition in capital punishment that if the execution apparatus fails for any reason, this is interpreted as a sign from God, and the death sentence is commuted. Accordingly, the doctor walks away, still very much alive.

The lawyer is next. The executioner straps him down, hoists the glittering blade aloft, and lets it drop...whereupon it sticks in the exact same spot.
Same rules apply...lawyer walks.

The engineer is last. The executioner straps him down, as he hoists the blade aloft, the engineer twists his neck around, peers up at the blade, and says:

"You know, I think I see your trouble there..."

 

[Pineapple]

Wise Choice​

An engineer is walking down the street, and sees another guy from his lab walking along with a new bright red motorcycle. He's impressed, especially since his friend doesn't know how to ride a motorcycle, so he goes up and asks, "Wow, where'd you get that?"

His friend explains, "Well, I was walking along, and this gorgeous blond drives up on the motorcycle, stops in front of me, strips her clothes off and tells me, 'Take what you want!'"

The engineer nods in understanding. "Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

 

[Pineapple]

damn! Next time i miss a day feel free to PM me! :thdown:

 

[Jaujarahje]

Wise Choice​

An engineer is walking down the street, and sees another guy from his lab walking along with a new bright red motorcycle. He's impressed, especially since his friend doesn't know how to ride a motorcycle, so he goes up and asks, "Wow, where'd you get that?"

His friend explains, "Well, I walk walking along, and this gorgeous blond drives up on the motorcycle, stops in front of me, strips her clothes off and tells me, 'Take what you want!'"

The engineer nods in understanding. "Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

Well i walk walking along???
Is it was walking along?

Oh and we could just give you -rep for missing a day

 

[Pineapple]

Wrong Bank​

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people....."

 

[Pineapple]

Super Jerk​

There was an Englishman, an American and a German getting drunk on the top of the Empire State Building.

The American turned to the German and said "Because of the wind pressure, if you were to jump off here, you would just float in mid-air!"

The German looked back in disbelief and replied "I don’t believe that, prove it."

So the American jumped off the Empire State building and sure enough, floated in mid-air for about 5 minutes until he decided to come back to the roof.

The American then said to the German "See, you have a go."

So the German jumped off the Empire State Building and fell all the way to his death.

The Englishman then turned to the American and said "Superman, you are such a jerk."

 

[ArmedCitizen]

Hah! I knew it. Spiderman for the ever win.

 

[Jaujarahje]

er its superman

 

[Pineapple]

Sausages​

Two sausages in a sizzling pan. One sausage says to the other, 'It's hot in here'.

Then the other sausage says, 'A talking sausage?!'

 

[Seb!]

I heard that about muffins in a microwave, and it was: "Oh my God a talking muffin!"

Same thing, I guess.

 

[duyen]

I heard that about muffins in a microwave, and it was: "Oh my God a talking muffin!"

Same thing, I guess.

Same.

 

[Pineapple]

11th times the charm​

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"