An odd visitor in the night

[C-Death]

It was at night a June night. Everything was quiet in the house and on the land. I had just decided to go to bed, so, I changed into my sleep clothes and prepared for bed. While I was laying there in bed, I heard something that sounded like feet moving up and down the stairs. My dad was in the other room sound asleep, and my sister had just went in to her room, and my mother was at work. So, what could be making this strange noise? I quickly got out of bed and went to the stairs to see what the hell was making all of this noise. To my surprise, there was nothing anywhere on the steps.
So what could have this been? I have indeed confirmed that it was not my sister nor my father. And my mother wasn't even close to home. After daylight broke, I inspected my house and saw that there were no signs of forced entry. So, something at first told me it was all in my head. But then, the following night, I heard the noise again. This started to make me mad. It sounded like small children playing games by jumping up and down the steps. I went down again and this time I say something at the bottom of the steps. It was something that was glowing white, like it was frozen. It was in the shape of a human, but, from what I can tell, had no physical human features. I can be called 100% freaked out and scared. I don't think I'll be going to bed tonight.

 

[Ninva]

The flow was awkward like you were a little boy trying to tell a story to a school teacher. And once I read deeper into the text I could say that was what you were aiming for; it was nicely done. I liked it, but the awkwardness reminded me too much of grade school, which I did not enjoy.

 

[jonadrian619]

It's a great story but the flow is a bit different, but I still prefer it anyway.

I can be called 100% freaked out and scared.

lolz

 

[C-Death]

Thanks for the positive feedback. But, now that I look at it, It really could be longer.

 

[Seb!]

I don't know about the story; it was alright. I really didn't even mind the flow.. but I REALLY liked the title, for some strange reason.

 

[C-Death]

Well, different things appeal to different people I guess.

 

[thewrongvine]

Nicely written. :thup:

Like the post #2 said, it did sound like a little boy telling a story to a teacher. The flow was choppy - it went smoothly for like a sentence or two, and then it suddenly stopped and said something else. Not that the something else doesn't relate to the story, but it doesn't work well with it wording.

After daylight broke, I inspected my house and saw that there were no signs of forced entry. So, something at first told me it was all in my head. But then, the following night, I heard the noise again.

Perhaps it could go like: After daylight broke, I inspected my house and saw that there were no signs of forced entry. I began to think that this was all in my head, but then it happened again. The following night, I heard the noise again.

The first sentece is good; just the second and last from the excerpt... it, imo, doesn't fit naturally. The italicized writing is just a suggestion; it might not be the best, but in my head, it works better. Have your teachers ever told you to not start with "but"? I know that no one cares P) but sometimes, it helps.

I like how this story uses simplicity to entertain instead of using advanced-illustrative words. Good job on this! :thup:

EDIT: Oh yeah, btw, don't use too many commas in one sentence, as I am doing, because it is annoying as you can see.

 

[Ninva]

EDIT: Oh yeah, btw, don't use too many commas in one sentence, as I am doing, because it is annoying as you can see.

That's you're own opinion because I like comas.

 

[Fatmankev]

It's only annoying if you put some of those commas in places where they belong; otherwise, commas play one of the most major roles in the flow of your story or writing.

But as for the story... I don't know what exactly you were aiming for with that particular style, but if it was turning me away from it then you've succeeded completely. Sentences like, "So what could have this been? I have indeed confirmed that it was not my sister nor my father," where you misplace words and mix up tenses like they aren't even a part of writing were so ridiculous that something compelled me to read further into this atrocity.

When I finished reading it, I was aghast; was that really the ending? Was there truly no point to the story at all? No, it can't be, I thought to myself. But alas, I was wrong once more. So the boy sees the thing - whatever it was - that was making the noise, and then gets scared. And then? Where did the rest of the story go? That's not an ending, bro, not in my book.

So yeah, definitely a little creative, I'll give you that, but the style you picked is just not meant for writing as much as it would work in speech. Sorry if I sounded like an ass, but I didn't like the story all that much But no worries, keep writing, brotha'.

 

[C-Death]

It's only annoying if you put some of those commas in places where they belong; otherwise, commas play one of the most major roles in the flow of your story or writing.

But as for the story... I don't know what exactly you were aiming for with that particular style, but if it was turning me away from it then you've succeeded completely. Sentences like, "So what could have this been? I have indeed confirmed that it was not my sister nor my father," where you misplace words and mix up tenses like they aren't even a part of writing were so ridiculous that something compelled me to read further into this atrocity.

When I finished reading it, I was aghast; was that really the ending? Was there truly no point to the story at all? No, it can't be, I thought to myself. But alas, I was wrong once more. So the boy sees the thing - whatever it was - that was making the noise, and then gets scared. And then? Where did the rest of the story go? That's not an ending, bro, not in my book.

So yeah, definitely a little creative, I'll give you that, but the style you picked is just not meant for writing as much as it would work in speech. Sorry if I sounded like an ass, but I didn't like the story all that much But no worries, keep writing, brotha'.

That doesn't even make you close to an ass, criticism only helps.

 

[thewrongvine]

So, are you going to write more?

Off-Topic for C-Death:

Spoiler

Remember me? The person you hate? Well... sorry, hope you still aren't holding a grudge against me.

 

[Halahan]

sorry, but I didn't really like it. You seemed to switch writing styles/perspectives a few times. Since I pretty much never read this kind of style, It may just because of that, so don't get your hopes down.