Joke of the Day [Retired]

[Pineapple]

Rope​

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.

On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other’s bodies. Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband’s penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That’s ma rope".

She slides her hands further down and gasps. "Oh my goodness. What’s them?" she asks.

"Honey, them’s my knots", he answers.

Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What’s the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"

"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!"

 

[Prometheus]

Way to make up the time.
:thup:

 

[Romek]

Truthful​

A husband and wife get pulled over by a cop for speeding. The husband is driving. The cop pulls up to the window and told him he was speeding. He said, "I never speed".

The wife says "Yes you do, you speed all the time".

So he says "Shut the hell up woman, what are you doing?"

The cop says, "I also have to fine you for not having your seat belt on".

He says, "I just took it off so I could get my license".

The woman says "no, you never wear your seat belt".

The man says, "Shut the hell up woman, what are you doing?"

The cop asks the wife "Does he always yell at you like that?"

She replies "Only when he’s drinking."

Hilarious

What a stupid wide xD

 

[duyen]

Iron woman​

There was a terrible accident on plane and all the engines failed. As the plane started to fall out of the sky a woman in the front stood up and yelled.

"Before I die, I want to feel like a real woman!"

Quickly a man in the back of the plane stood up and took of hist shirt. "Iron this."

Been posted somewhere on TH already, but still funny.

 

[FireBladesX]

Man, these are great.
I was under the impression that I was stuck in some kind of time warp... I thought the days were passing, yet no new jokes...

Anyways, you got some typos there, sir.

and took of hist shirt. "Iron this."

up and yelled.

"Before I die, I want to feel like a real woman!"

Instead of "yelled.", it should be "yelled:"

Sorry for being such a fatty concerning grammar <3
PSAT tomorrow, eh...

 

[Pineapple]

Lunches​

So there are 3 men working on a tall building. They go to lunch and the first guy opens his lunchbox and sees a salad, He says.. "Damn it! If my wife makes mea salad for lunch one more time im just going to jump off this building and kill myself!"

The second guy opens his lunchbox and sees a sandwich. He also says, "If my wife make me another sandwich for lunch, I amm going to jump off of this building with you!"

The third guy opens his lunchbox and sees chicken, which he is also tired of, So he goes on to says "If I get any more chicken for lunch I am going to jump off of this building with you guys."

At the funeral home, the first wife goes up to speak. She says, "If I had known he didn’t want a salad for lunch, I wouldn’t have made him any, I would have chosen something else..." and went off crying.

The second wife gets up to say, "If I had known that he didn’t want another sandwich for lunch, I too would have chosen something else..." she also went off crying.

The third wife then comes and stand in front of everyone without a tear on her face and says "Don’t look at me, He makes his own lunch."

 

[duyen]

I'm pretty sure that's already been posted on this forum.

Still funny :thup:

 

[Pineapple]

I'm pretty sure that's already been posted on this forum.

I care not if its on the forum.

I care if its in the thread.

 

[Pineapple]

Capital​

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.

She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"

Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."

 

[Prometheus]

What's the capital of USA?

 

[Jaujarahje]

I know. It is terrible and I know i did.

But I had this masive English project to do and didn't have time to hunt for the jokes.

Hear That boys, running out of time for jokes so send him some!

 

[Pineapple]

Bicycling​

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

 

[gameman]

Bicycling​

Spoiler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

That is the best one so far!

 

[Pineapple]

What lane​

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there''s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

 

[duyen]

Lol

 

[Romek]

What lane​

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there''s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

My dad told me that one. It's short, simple and funny

 

[FireBladesX]

I greatly enjoy short ones.

...As in equal to long ones ^.^

 

[Pineapple]

Ugly​

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

 

[Pineapple]

Priorities​

Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn't the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, "No".

I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife use to love to come to these games until she died."

"Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked.

He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral."

 

[Romek]

Priorities​

Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn't the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, "No".

I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife use to love to come to these games until she died."

"Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked.

He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral."

That's evil...