Joke of the Day [Retired]

[duyen]

>do you make these up?
He doesn't. He hunts for them, like an admin after a hacker.

I'm afraid admins dont hunt hackers.

 

[Azlier]

>I'm afraid admins dont hunt hackers.

They don't?! Le gasp! Who does it then? The government? The electric company? That smelly guy at the gas station? Phil, across the street?

 

[Zakyath]

>They don't?! Le gasp! Who does it then? The government? The electric company? That smelly guy at the gas station? Phil, across the street?

I'd guess Phil's the one to blame...

 

[Pineapple]

Wishful​

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say.... Look! He's moving!"

 

[Azlier]

Haha :thup:. I read that one in Reader's Digest.

 

[Prometheus]

Refrigerator​

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

 

[Jaujarahje]

hahahaha thats a great one! (refrigerator)

 

[Pineapple]

Confession​

An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession:

'Father, during the Second World War a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess.'

'It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with her sexual favours.'

'You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil and judge you kindly. You are forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father, That's a great load off my mind. I have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

The old man replied, 'Should I tell her the war is over?'

 

[Jedimindtrixxx]

i lol'd at confessions.
<3 for doing this pine

 

[CaptDeath]

L
o
l
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!

 

[Pineapple]

Jack and Jill​

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, 'Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off.'

Jill said, 'Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus.'

 

[duyen]

Lol!

 

[Zack1996]

AWESOME JOKES! Its good to have you back! I have been checking this everyday but never bothered to respond

 

[Pineapple]

Dating Topics​

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?"

She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

 

[Azlier]

Lulz.

 

[CaptDeath]

@cover story my jaw dropped lol

 

[Pineapple]

Head goes to the bar​

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

 

[Shimergloom]

Cover Story​

Same joke, different ingredients as #70: Cover Up?
http://www.thehelper.net/forums/showpost.php?p=858698&postcount=250

 

[Pineapple]

Thank you for pointing that out and providing proof.

Will be fixed tomorrow.

 

[esb]

But they're both good! D=