Joke of the Day [Retired]

[Darthfett]

I don't get it...

Me either.

They can't hear each other properly.

The question is what each one actually heard. I think the punch line is in the last line, but I can't figure out what it's supposed to mean, other than maybe 'coke' being mis-heard as 'cock'.

What (I think) each one actually heard:

One says: "Windy, ain't it?"
Two hears: "Wednesday, ain't it?"
Two replies: "No, It's Thursday."
Three hears: "I'm Thirsty."
Three Replies: "So am I. Let's have a coke."
One/Two hears: _________ (?)

 

[Azlier]

Well, I got Wednesday being Windy, I got lost at Thursday, and no one seems to get the funny part.

 

[Prometheus]

/me facepalms
They can hear properly, thus they reply to what they think they heard.

 

[thewrongvine]

... you guys are thinking too hard. That was hilarious!

No ending line. The humor is simplicity itself. Windy - Wednesday = Thursday - Thirsty = Coke (when you're thirsty, you drink).

~Hai-Bye-Vine~

 

[Pineapple]

Artistic thief​

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

[Pineapple]

Tickle me Elmo​

A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.

The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" Assembly Line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to Kingdom Come.

Right at the end of the line is the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after several minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

 

[Danny Cross]

rotf.... That was a good one!!!

 

[Cheesy]

Once again, thanks for the jokes Pineapple! :thup:

 

[Prometheus]

Dirty Temple​

A Jewish temple is looking for a way to get the congregation to go to temple on Saturdays. When one of the presidents of the congregation was at a comedy show, he saw a hypnotist. He thought, if he can hypnotize these people, he could probably hypnotize the congregation into coming to temple on Saturdays. So he hired the man, and sure enough, the next time the whole congregation was in temple, he had the hyptmatist perform.......

"Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch," he said.

Then he accidently dropped the watch he said,"SHIT!!!!"

Then it took 3 weeks to clean up the temple.

 

[Azlier]

Dirty Temple​

Haha. I doubt that rabbis would hire a hypnotist, but still funny.

 

[Monovertex]

HA HA, that was awesome!

 

[Romek]

They're lucky he didn't say "Oh Fuck!"


Pretty funny though.

 

[Pineapple]

John​

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, John! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says John. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says “Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” John’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John.”

 

[Prometheus]

Ooooooh owned!

 

[Romek]

That's a funny one.

Though John is a bit of an idiot.

 

[Pineapple]

Shave shine​

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the
difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

 

[Pineapple]

Cheap Date​

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost.

Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think."

"Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."

"To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."

 

[Pineapple]

Nutty​

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,
he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the
bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind,"
he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and
there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

 

[CaptDeath]

lol @ nutty thats rich
ps do you make these up pineapple?

 

[Azlier]

>do you make these up?
He doesn't. He hunts for them, like an admin after a hacker.