A Poem

[Mer_de_Noms]

Here's a tiny little poem of mine.

Slumber

Tonight I will sleep well
Lulled into slumber by a sweet song
Instruments of gunfire
Vocals of the dying man​

 

[Ninva]

In the third line you put vocals. Vocals is an adjective, so it doesn't work there. I suggest you use voices.

Also, I couldn't understand what was happening in the third line. Were you awaken from your slumber to the instruments of war? Or was that the sweet song you stated in the second line?

EDIT:

That's odd, I had to look up vocals to make sure it wasn't a noun. I thought it was an noun also. I guess I was wrong. =/

 

[Mer_de_Noms]

Oh, someone that payed attention in english class

But as for your questions, in the third and fourth line, they refer to the music that makes up the lullaby that lulls one into the said slumber.

As for the vocals part, I'm not sure that voices would fit so well, because that doesn't seem to go as well with the song theme as well as vocals does. Hmmm...

The whole thing refers mostly to the current state of the world, and how people can sleep comfortably at night when people across the ocean are simply trying to live through the night, and how they have to fall asleep to the sounds of dying screams and gunfire all around them, while we get to sleep to the sound of our favorite show or song.

Man killing man. It's a sad era.

 

[Ninva]

Ah, now it becomes clear to me. It was very well written. Maybe you should clue the reader in to where this is taking place, and when. But I don't think when would be much of a requirement.

You could also add some bitterness to this poem. I can tell that you’re aiming for a bitter/sweet meaning. Make the reader understand the frustration you're going through, and allow them to see the carelessness of the people who sleep to the sweet song.

 

[Mer_de_Noms]

Hm, good advice.

I'm not shooting to be a professional poet or anything, but it's always good to hone skills here and there.

Nice little message under your avatar by the way