Poetry don't play with fire (unfinished)

Discussion in 'The Writer's Corner' started by Zakyath, Jun 27, 2012.

  1. Zakyath

    Zakyath Member

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    well, I've been working on a song for a while now. all that's missing now is a refrain (and perhaps an ending), but I really can't come up with anything. so I'll give it some time, and just try to improve what I already have. this is where you guys come in. any feedback whatsoever is appreciated.


    Don’t play with fire or you’ll get burnt,
    You tell yourself, over and over again.
    But for these embers you still yearn,
    Have you got the strength to abstain?

    Don’t succumb to the resplendent glow,
    Extinguish the flames before they spread.
    Down that long and torrid road,
    You will be scorched if you tread.
     
  2. Fatmankev

    Fatmankev Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker

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    +237 / 0 / -0
    I like it. I was able to put it easily to music, which I can't say about a lot of songs I've read. Nice kinda feel to it, I dig.

    Two suggestions:
    Try to reword the the last line of the first stanza (or whatever). I could not get 'abstain' to sound good with 'again'. I just couldn't. Maybe a good singer could, but I sure can't. That said, I do like the idea behind the line, so in that regard it's good.

    Second, I think 'You'll' in the last line would be better as 'You will'. Just flowed better for me, because otherwise the line seemed to end prematurely.

    But yeah, good work. Keep it up, bro'.
     
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  3. Zakyath

    Zakyath Member

    Ratings:
    +238 / 0 / -0
    thank you for the feedback. the tempo for the song is quite slow, so I'm pretty sure abstain will work. I will wait until I record it until I decide whether to take that advice to heart or not.

    and you're right about you will, I think that will flow better. I'll change it :)
     

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