un named

[Blackveiled]

I am writing a song right now, and it's not done yet. But these are the parts that are currently done. How are they? C&C? Thanks.

verse1Forces fight eachother in a neverending war
never stopping until the greater powers rise.
We're all just another victim in the fight for gravity,
once the war is won we will keep fighting until we claimed it all.

chorusWill we ever finally reach the stars?
Maybe we can if we fight hard enough.
We won't ever back down.

edit:

Completed version

Forces fight eachother in a neverending war
never stopping until the greater powers rise.
We're all just another victim in the fight for gravity,
once the war is won we will keep fighting until we claimed it all.

Will we ever finally reach the stars?
Maybe we can if we fight hard enough.
We won't ever back down.

We've finally reached the top, but where do we go from here.
Life is but a dream, these acclamations are not false,

We won't ever back down.

 

[Ninva]

I recommend not posting poems/stories that are a work in progress.

 

[Avaleirra]

It's sorta hard to judge a song when you can't hear it



Lyrics look good though. :thup:

 

[Blackveiled]

It's sorta hard to judge a song when you can't hear it



Lyrics look good though. :thup:

Yeah, I called it a song because it's going to actually be a song.

I just need feedback on the lyrics.

 

[Avaleirra]

Well here is my feedback.

The third line seems abut awkward since the narrator is fighting against gravity not for.
The chorus is solid.
And the second line seems a tad awkward but I'm not quite sure why.


Good luck
Avaleirra

 

[Blackveiled]

It's all kind of shown in a different way, it's basically about working your way to the top, don't dream, just make it. But, I am gonna work on the lyrics a bit more and make it a bit more clear.