A HighSchool Hero.

How was the story?

  • Somone open up a window that stunk.

    Votes: 1 20.0%
  • Not Bad

    Votes: 2 40.0%
  • Avrage

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Exelent.

    Votes: 2 40.0%

  • Total voters
    5

C-Death

I love you
This is Purley a fictional Story, location, names, and everything els is all made up.

In Travis NewYourk, At johnyoung high school the day was normal, Students ran to their Next class, For Casper Perry this was no normal day, today would be the day he would become a hero. For Casper, It was lunch time. Everything was normal, the accasonal nerd getting into a fight with Popular Boy's.
As Casper Sat Down, He heard several screams. A Boy Had brought a gun to school, an m-16 Automatic. The Boy who brought the gun had brought it for the soul purpose of killing anyone who tried to pick on him. Casper Knew somthing had to be done.
Casper Got up from his chair, Made a mad dash for the boy with the gun, made a gymnastics leap, in mid air Casper Was Shot, ending his life. Altho, his lifeless body landed on the boy with the gun.
Sending the boy to the ground, where school officers sadly shot The boy in the head.
On That day Two lives were lost, if only the boy hadnt tried to take revenge.
If Casper wouldnt have cared so much, many many other students would have likley lost their lives. Casper Made the ultimate sacrafice to ensure the saftey of almost complete strangers.
The End.

Rate This Story Plz
 
It could be better. Go into more detail about his day before the shooting. If you let us know more about him, his death at the end would have more of an impact on the reader. Let the readers into Casper's mind a little more, so that we can understand his motive more for jumping in front of that bullet. Give the readers a little more of his train of thought. Make the impact of him jumping in front of the bullet like something that he knew he had to do, even though he might not know the person that he was saving.

This could be a great story if you worked on it more, and got into it. I would love to see it as a fuller story, it has so much potential. :)
 

Tonks

New Member
What the hell is it with people writing stories about kids bringing guns to school these days? This is at least the eigth one that I've read that has to do with a student bringing a gun to school and shooting someone.
Anyway, back on topic:
where school officers sadly shot The boy in the head.
Very unrealistic. Officers are trained to shoot as a last resort, and only if lives are in immediate danger. The boy was down, trapped under a body, and was not an immediate threat. The officers likely would have stunned him or simply kicked the gun away, but never would they shoot him in the head when he was incapacitated.
This story is short and to the point, which is bad. This seems more like a newspaper article than an actual story. You need to elaborate. What was he thinking about as his day started? What did he look at as he walked around? Did he have any friends to talk to? Did he do anything before class? What happened during his morning periods? What was he eating for lunch? What did he think about it? Why did he act the way he did when he saw the kid with the gun? Every Detail Matters!

Also, you tend to capitalize your 'T's.
 
S

Stinman

Guest
It could be a bit longer, but it was a really good story. Sad too, but it kinda teaches a lesson at the same time.I like it! :cool:
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
More detail and Background, maybe do the entire day, not just that lunch, so you can explore more of the character(s) and history. Also maybe type it in word first, so you can use spell check and such.
 

Apostle O

New Member
I am sorry to be harsh, but I figure I must. For my own sake, I will put this in a list format.

Let's start with the bad news.

Cons:
Your grammar and spelling leave much to be desired.
The story is too short, which has been said.
There is no purpose to this story. It is a minor description of an occurance.

Pros:
You want to write.
You want your writing to be read.

My suggestions:
Take English class very seriously if you want to write. Take the class every year, and pay attention all the time.
Read often, and read the most difficult stuff you can metally digest. Find something you are interested in and latch onto it.
Keep writing.

-Apostle O
 
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