A little poem that I put together.

Samael88

Evil always finds a way
This is a poem that I wrote today, it is not much and is more or less an abstract poem.
I want to see if anyone can figure out the two things I had in mind when I wrote it so please throw me some guesses or theories.

What is this thing that I find in the dark side of my mind?
Do I really want to purge this warm and soothing urge?
What reason is there behind why I feel so kind?
Do I not fear the burning feeling of a falling tear?
What about these times makes me write in rhymes?


It was a while since I last wrote something so please give me some CnC, I would love something constructive rather than just "it sucks".
 

Zakyath

Member
This is a poem that I wrote today, it is not much and is more or less an abstract poem.
I want to see if anyone can figure out the two things I had in mind when I wrote it so please throw me some guesses or theories.

What is this thing that I find in the dark side of my mind?
Do I really want to purge this warm and soothing urge?
What reason is there behind why I feel so kind?
Do I not fear the burning feeling of a falling tear?
What about these times makes me write in rhymes?


It was a while since I last wrote something so please give me some CnC, I would love something constructive rather than just "it sucks".
Is it about you wanting to rape someone? :)

I think that "What reason is there behind why I feel so kind?" isn't gramatically correct... otherwise, good poem :)
 

Samael88

Evil always finds a way
Nah, it was about something I felt for a girl at the time I wrote it^^
Yeah, I know that it is not correct but it sounds better that way :p
 

Penguin-

Member
I really enjoyed reading your poem, and I think it captures that confused, doubtful, melancholy loving feeling you were trying express really well.

If you're looking for a little constructive criticism I'd recommend working on your cadence and meter.
Your line syllable count currently looks like this:
14
13
12
13
10

As you can see, you've moved from a 7 foot meter in the first line into perfect iambic pentameter in the last line (which you might agree, flows the best of all your lines). If you're looking to work on your writing I would suggest either reworking all lines into either 14 or 10 syllables, if that feels too "regulated", try a symmetrical pattern of your choice, for instance 10,14,14,14,10. If you're unsure what I mean, I'd be glad to help.

The human ear responds amazingly to cadence and meter, you'd be surprised what cutting/adding a few syllables can achieve. :)

I like the poem, and I'm looking forward to what seeing your changes or another poem altogether.
Good luck!
 

DM Cross

You want to see a magic trick?
Staff member
I really enjoyed reading your poem, and I think it captures that confused, doubtful, melancholy loving feeling you were trying express really well.

If you're looking for a little constructive criticism I'd recommend working on your cadence and meter.
Your line syllable count currently looks like this:
14
13
12
13
10

As you can see, you've moved from a 7 foot meter in the first line into perfect iambic pentameter in the last line (which you might agree, flows the best of all your lines). If you're looking to work on your writing I would suggest either reworking all lines into either 14 or 10 syllables, if that feels too "regulated", try a symmetrical pattern of your choice, for instance 10,14,14,14,10. If you're unsure what I mean, I'd be glad to help.

The human ear responds amazingly to cadence and meter, you'd be surprised what cutting/adding a few syllables can achieve. :)

I like the poem, and I'm looking forward to what seeing your changes or another poem altogether.
Good luck!
Not to bash you, but you thought WAAAY too hard about this, especially considering he mentioned it was an abstract poem. That and not all poetry follows the same kind of rules. As a matter of fact, one of the greatest thing about poetry is that it doesn't have to follow ANY rules to still be a poem.

Again, I'm not trying to knock you or discourage you from posting, but I just wouldn't get too much into "rules" around here. We don't typically go by them :)

Damn rebels :rolleyes:
 

Zakyath

Member
Not to bash you, but you thought WAAAY too hard about this, especially considering he mentioned it was an abstract poem. That and not all poetry follows the same kind of rules. As a matter of fact, one of the greatest thing about poetry is that it doesn't have to follow ANY rules to still be a poem.

Again, I'm not trying to knock you or discourage you from posting, but I just wouldn't get too much into "rules" around here. We don't typically go by them :)

Damn rebels :rolleyes:
I actually think that criticism with theories to back it up might be useful.
 

Samael88

Evil always finds a way
I really enjoyed reading your poem, and I think it captures that confused, doubtful, melancholy loving feeling you were trying express really well.

If you're looking for a little constructive criticism I'd recommend working on your cadence and meter.
Your line syllable count currently looks like this:
14
13
12
13
10

As you can see, you've moved from a 7 foot meter in the first line into perfect iambic pentameter in the last line (which you might agree, flows the best of all your lines). If you're looking to work on your writing I would suggest either reworking all lines into either 14 or 10 syllables, if that feels too "regulated", try a symmetrical pattern of your choice, for instance 10,14,14,14,10. If you're unsure what I mean, I'd be glad to help.

The human ear responds amazingly to cadence and meter, you'd be surprised what cutting/adding a few syllables can achieve. :)

I like the poem, and I'm looking forward to what seeing your changes or another poem altogether.
Good luck!
Thank you for the criticism.
Since English is not my first language I am happy to just spell correctly when I write poems in English at all^^
I have posted another a long time ago that you might like if you can find it.

@Seth Cross: Haha, thanks Seth^^ I like to get criticism though, it helps me evolve. And you are correct about the poems, that is what I like about writing them :)
 

Penguin-

Member
Not to bash you, but you thought WAAAY too hard about this, especially considering he mentioned it was an abstract poem. That and not all poetry follows the same kind of rules. As a matter of fact, one of the greatest thing about poetry is that it doesn't have to follow ANY rules to still be a poem.

Again, I'm not trying to knock you or discourage you from posting, but I just wouldn't get too much into "rules" around here. We don't typically go by them :)

Damn rebels :rolleyes:

Yeah no biggy, I just thought that as a beginner it's sometimes nice to know some fundamentals before you decide how many ways you want to invert them.

I for one love the little bit of structure that rhyming cadence brings, to my ears it produces a lovely anticipation of "you know what's coming but you don't know how it will get here". Can be seen more clearly in rap I suppose.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Although 'rape' may not have been the choicest word, I think Zakyath was just about right; you wanted to bone this girl, and I bet it was whether she wanted it or not. Feeling in dark side of mind = sexual fantasy even though she (doesn't like you/has boyfriend/etc.). Purge this warm and soothing feeling = yeah man, sexual fantasy, and some hardcore stuff, too. Why do I feel so kind = why do I have to be the good guy, and not the badass she'd go for. Burning feeling of falling tear = the fear of being rejected should he ask her out or otherwise try to get in 'dem pants. Times and Rhymes = why am I stuck writing poetry, instead of being able to just go up and get what I want?

Of course, I'm no poet, so every bit of that was undoubtedly wrong. But if I've ever seen some sort of actual meaning behind a poem, it was that you wanted in that girl's pants. Hard.

Good luck with her.
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
I can't give you enough reputation points. This is the second time today that I tried, but apparently, I need to spread the wealth around before giving you more. It seems like TH.net is a big, indirect advocate for socialism.
 

Zakyath

Member
I can't give you enough reputation points. This is the second time today that I tried, but apparently, I need to spread the wealth around before giving you more. It seems like TH.net is a big, indirect advocate for socialism.
if th.net was sweden we'd have to give 7/10 reputation to thehelper himself. socialism is fun.
 
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