Ayumilove's MyStory

ayumilove

Youtube account suspended! youtube.com/ayumilove8
Chapter 1: Dream Paradise

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Ayumi. A fairy
found her crying in a wrecked house that was severely damaged
by the war. She lost her family and friends. The fairy adopted little
Ayumi and raised her in a special place known as "Dream Paradise".

Dream Paradise is a peaceful sanctuary where the fairies frequent.
The sanctuary has lots of "Moon Wells" that keep Sun Dew water
and its surrounded with lush greenery and fragrant flowers.
Sun Dews are the source of energy for the fairies and can be
obtained from plants after a rainy day.

Chapter 2: Ayumi, the "Dream Angel"
One day, Ayumi was strolling around the woods in search of Sun Dew
water along with her fairy friend, Chibi. The woods ... (sound) ...





to be continued...




chapter 1
dream paradise | fairy | war | lost
 

Myzteryz

It only does everything.
This isn't a place to get your post count up. This is a place for passionate writers to share their work.

Work on a real story that does not have so many grammar errors and more than just a few sentences.
 

ayumilove

Youtube account suspended! youtube.com/ayumilove8
lol dont assume someone who want thir post count up
did you read the word "to be continued" ?

bad attitude to have that <3

and i'll add on when i have some time to spare ok? =P

if there are grammar mistake, please correct me!
my english not really good. i hope that the writers in this corner help each other out
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Sounds like you just made it up.
Be serious when you post a thread, you can joke, but inside a serious thing.
 

ReVolver

Moderator
Staff member
If its about your life why did you make it fiction.. I never heard of a fictional auto biography.
 

ayumilove

Youtube account suspended! youtube.com/ayumilove8
i written one in another forum, but i wanna make it different this time <3

=.=' i am being serious, i guess all of the writers here are really bored with stories like this, and its just the beginning
 

Pineapple

Just Smile.
If you are going to post, don't make the story up on the spot. That was obviously just written while you posted. Take a look at the other topics, notice how they have a decent amount in there first post? Try to post like that.

Now, if you are being serious, the story sound absolutely horrible. It seems like a terrible idea like it belongs in some low budget kids book. A dream forest is rather... *insert prefered word here*. Ad "they are immune to the effects because they are used to it" just sounds childish and, doesnt add much depth to the story.
 

ayumilove

Youtube account suspended! youtube.com/ayumilove8
err im not like them, different people have different styles of writing story
its the same like deleting files
some people love to go to command dos prompt and use deltree
while some prefer to go into windows explorer and delete from there.

if it sounds childish, could you give me some constructive comments on how to fix them up, and could you be specific on the meaning depth of the story?
 

Pineapple

Just Smile.
THe fact that youi didn't get mad about that is a good thing, the fack you want pointers is great so i will give you some.:)

Once upon a time, there is a little girl name Ayumi who lives in a dream forest, which was so called because a spell lay heavy over the forest which causes everyone who enters to enter a different state of mind. The dream spell was cast by the fairies in order to make all whom walk into the forest to become unable to damage or harm the forest. Little Ayumi is immune to the effects for an unknown reason, while the fairies are immune to the spell because they are the ones who cast it...
I know it looks like I changed a lot, but it has the same story but sounds more mature.

I wasn't sure is Ayumi was a fairy or not, but my leaving it as an unknown reason you can develop plot around that point. I changed Fairy in one instance to Fairies because it should have been plural. Also having a "..." at the end always leaves a feeling of foreshadowing or just makes it more suspenseful. Just don't over do it.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Or 500. Atleast for stories, cause their are discussion threads on different things, such as "Outlines/Planning?" or "Whats your writing style?" I just thought of the ones I had done off the top of my head.
'Once upon a time' is so overused that using it was a good reason it sounded childish too. Try a new beginning.
Also, i know your going to continue it but when you do make sure to state a problem or in my opinion the best foreshadow or say it with a lot of suspense.
For longer then time, it was protected. The fairies kept the trees tall, their roots deep. But there was one, who never drempt... (not exactly sure how to spell drempt)
and then you end the prologue or whatev.
 

ayumilove

Youtube account suspended! youtube.com/ayumilove8
thanks halahan and pineapple

i was kinda unhappy and frusrated with all the guys giving negatives views on this thread that i have made. scarry to go back to this thread, however with pineapple and halahan reply, i felt much better <3

edit:
wow, pineapple story edit rocks, thumbs up. are you a frequent writer here? <3
 

Oninuva

You can change this now in User CP.
thanks halahan and pineapple

i was kinda unhappy and frusrated with all the guys giving negatives views on this thread that i have made. scarry to go back to this thread, however with pineapple and halahan reply, i felt much better <3

edit:
wow, pineapple story edit rocks, thumbs up. are you a frequent writer here? <3
You don't have to be a frequent writer to change a few spelling/grammer mistakes... :nuts:
 

Oninuva

You can change this now in User CP.
Chapter 1: Dream Forest
Once upon a time, there is a little girl who lived in a dream forest named Ayumi . The forest recived this name, when clueless wanderers stumbled into the forest entered a dream state. The deam forest was created when the faries of the forest casted a spell to keep the forest from harms way. Little Ayumi was immune to the forest for unknown reasons and that kept her from the dream state.
There, I changed it. See how you like it
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
I like the one that I think Krys did better, but still fine. fairies are spelled fairies not 'faries'
 

Pineapple

Just Smile.
im not exactly frequent here. I post on my story, arcane corruption and will reply and read every so often, just hard to get enough time.:(
 

ayumilove

Youtube account suspended! youtube.com/ayumilove8
arcane corruption? is it a person or an item?

> oninuva
lolx, nice change in there

edit:

i made some changes with the first chapter hehehe <3
I have an idea
 
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