Okay, here's what you need to do.
Uninstall the other antiviruses and anti-stuffs. Install Spybot, Zonealarm and Avast.
Schedule a boot-time virus scan with avast. After installing everything, let Avast do the boot-time scan and delete what ever it finds. Then when you startup there will be a bunch of programs trying to get on the internet. Zonealarm will pop-up with each program. Then run spybot.
I don't think I'm dealing with quite the same pressures though, at the very least its a significantly smaller system. For the time being I'm just going to put together a quick scrubby box though and hope it works good enough to not make my house toxic
I do know this - xenforo dropped the ball by not keeping the vbulletin reputation comments as a feature. The loss of the Reputation comments data when we switched to Xenforo really was the death knell for the site when it came to all the users that left. I know I missed it so much and I got way less interested in the site when that feature was gone and I run the site.