The Pain

[n[u]ll]

First poetry of any sort.. It was kind of spontaneous, and inspired by a blister I got from drumming..

Since this is pretty much my first poem(or song, that's what it's meant to be), I welcome all levels of critique, as long as they're helpful..

the pain, held deep within
tearing me apart, again and again
oh god i swear its bound to burst
with every pulse, getting worse and worse

and now i just don't know
what to do, or where to go
and every single time i try and hide it
i just don't know
how to fight it

hour's past, from then to now
watch it go, up and down
pills and drugs
wont do the trick
just sit down
and watch the time tick

and now i just don't know
what to do, or where to go
and every single time i try and hide it
i just don't know
how to fight it
and how can it be so real
yet only my emotions i can feel
and what if this is all a dream
you and me, just a dream..

Edit:

I just wrote some more stuff. Check them out on my dA: [link]

 

[Ninva]

Wow. That's very emotional. I liked it. You should put some more pronunciation at the end of some of your phrases. Some of the phrases were just bit too long for comfort.

Anyways, good job. :thup:

 

[n[u]ll]

thx nin

>You should put some more pronunciation at the end of some of your phrases.

could you elaborate on that?

 

[Ninva]

I can only explain if I tell you how I read the last stanza.

and now i just don't know
what to do, or where to go
and every single time i try and hide it
i just don't know
how to fight it *weeze*
and how can it be so real *needs to breath*
yet only my emotions i can feel *take a break pleeeease*
and what if this is all a dream *going to die*
you and me, *GASP* just a dream..

You should put breaks in your poetry to allow people to either breath or take a rest so they can understand what they're reading. Without breaks, we get poetry overload and the whole flow just gets blown away when we go back to read what we just read correctly.

I'm assuming you know that you're suppose to read a whole line as a continual sentence until there's a comma, dash, semicolon, (maybe) colon, or period.

I don't know if I'm making any sense - probably not. Do some research if you really want to know what I mean.

 

[n[u]ll]

Haha, I see what you mean..

The reason I didn't seperate them as two stanzas is because this was written as a song, so when I wrote it, I meant for that addition to the chorus to be played at the same beat/rhythm the chorus has. Kinda hard to explain, but yea.


And i like your explanation for it, it made me lol :thup:
P.s. yea you make sense :]