Descriptive Writing: The Beach

Discussion in 'The Writer's Corner' started by Monsterous, Apr 30, 2008.

  1. Monsterous

    Monsterous In the Shadows, Lurking.

    +100 / 0 / -0
    Did this for english, wanted to see what you thought of it.

    I looked at my surroundings. Merely a beach, but looking deeper... is a different thing altogether.

    I looked once more, and heard the silent echo of the lifeless sea, as if it had sucked out the souls of nearby creatures, as if it was a forever-hungering beast, relentlessly pounding the beach with no remorse. The sand between my toes felt dead, lusting for the warmth of the Sun. Its odd blackish colour contemplating with the fact that this was a lifeless beach. The smell was pungent of seaweed, as if essences of it was part of the very air, and growing like a tree every second. The cliffs to the left and right of myself were seemless, untouched, as if just erected; as the echo stopped, I heard another sound, a sound so surprising, yet fall of beauty and horror.

    The Silence.

    My english teacher thought it was excellent, but wanted to see how it could be improved :D
  2. Fatmankev

    Fatmankev Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker

    +237 / 0 / -0
    There are just a couple of little problems in there, where you used a word in the wrong place and such. When I get back from work, I'll point out a few places that could use improvement. Very nice, though, and very good use of personification in the whole thing. Good job.
  3. thewrongvine

    thewrongvine The Evolved Panda Commandant Staff Member

    +505 / 1 / -0
    That was excellent. But I would suggest taking out some of those "as <blank>" things. It's not bad, but as I was reading it, it seemed AS IF it kept coming back to me, because there were too many of that (like every other sentence... O_O :).

    OR you could space lines in between sometimes.

    Anyways, that was really good. Good Job!:thup:
  4. Monsterous

    Monsterous In the Shadows, Lurking.

    +100 / 0 / -0

    I see what you mean, (4 "as if's") :banghead:

    Thanks for that insight though :p

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