Mapping the Human Soul

Syndrome

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This is a fantasy novella I was working on for the past while. I'm in the middle of rewriting my drafts from beginning to end and wanted to show what I have so far.

I wanted to hint at a lot of future things that happen in the story. I hope you find them :p

Since I am in the middle of re-writing my drafts, I'll be posting up my progress every so often!
Please leave me your comments and criticism. It will definitely help xD

Enjoy!
 

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Fatmankev

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My favorite thing about this piece is that it really reveals a lot of your voice, which I think I liked about one of the first drafts, too. It's not completely unique in every right, but it's a refreshing change of pace and you're doing a pretty good job of it so far.

My favorite scene was the little inner-dialogue between instinct and reason - that was really well done and helped reveal the humor latent in your story as well as helping to define the character pretty substantially by showing how he his instead of telling it.

There's a couple of wording errors, no big deal really. The first paragraph could be reworked... you define two or three of the shop's characteristics in a visual way, and then it's just several magical doodads which really ain't cuttin' it for me. While you're already in there doin' descriptions, lemme get just a little bit more, eh?

Also, this jumped out at me (and I don't have the document up anymore so I can't quote you) but when you're talking about the static in the headphones, you make it sound like it just started. I liked it a lot more in your first draft when he knew that a Customer was getting ready to walk in because the headphones were already starting to freak out static-style. But that's just me.

The final dialogue seemed to reveal characteristics of dudeman's life and personality that hadn't really been alluded to previously, which was a bit off-putting. He hasn't thought of his family, let alone seen them or interacted with them, and we don't know that he lies to the people close to him on the regular until now.

All said, you hooked me in early with that great inner-dialogue and have me ready for the next glimpse into this world. Good stuff, thanks for sharing.
 

Syndrome

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I have so many things on right now haha. Sorry for not replying earlier!
First off, thanks for reading this haha.
One problem I had with this already was that the blind woman was too... forward with her intrusion of the main character's mind. I have already re-written this part a bit to make her seem more subtle and also make her sound a bit more desperate [it didn't really come through here, I DUN GOOF.]

Second part is almost done, will keep updating this!

Thanks again Kev!
 
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