WIP My University Life

Discussion in 'The Writer's Corner' started by Syndrome, May 29, 2012.

  1. Syndrome

    Syndrome You can change this now in User CP.

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    Between programming/working/procrastinating, I don't have much time to write my fantasy novel. They take time to think of and time to word properly.

    Real life is a bit different. The story is all there and all you have to do is put words to it.
    So, to practice my writing craft I'll do what C-Death is doing; a journal of sorts. But this one is just detailing my thoughts on events long past.

    I'll change everyone's names though. No one likes to be called out ever haha.

    This is just me writing with little to no editing. It's just me putting thoughts and memory to paper. I apologize if there's horrific grammatical mistakes in this.

    Thanks in advance!

    EDIT: Just to be clear, this isn't a "Oh woe is me." kind of plea. It's just my [convoluted] thoughts on recent events in my life.

    Entry 1
    Removed.

    Entry 2:
    Removed.

    Entry 3:
    Removed.
     
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  2. Syndrome

    Syndrome You can change this now in User CP.

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    Entry 4:
    Removed.

    Entry 5:
    Removed.
     
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  3. Fatmankev

    Fatmankev Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker

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    Alright, read this last night and didn't have time to reply. I'm still a li'l fuckin' groggy, but I'll say what I can.

    First and foremost, I'm digging it. I like the style, I like your voice, and I like your characters (your character being based off you, I feel like I'm getting a pretty accurate picture of who you are. In that regard, fuckin' way to go).

    Honestly, not a lot I can suggest for you to improve on. It's good work. I will tell you to carefully read it over, there are a few mistakes that, having written it, you might not notice with a quick read. Also, there are a couple of places where you use words that don't need to be there, and with your current voice you should try to make things a bit more concise.

    Now, let me point out a few exceptional pieces that really stood out:

    - the very beginning of your first entry, with the golden rule. Perfect way to lead into the story about Serene, perfect way to start it all, perfect sense of the narrative voice. I really enjoyed the first paragraph.

    - describing Serene, ending with 'everyone would like her', and immediately going on to say your hate her. The new paragraph + the simple, three-word line packs a powerful punch. (didn't like it in bold two lines down, but that's personal preference. I hate bold font in creative writing. Again, just me.

    - your section on Ayu was excellent, and very sad. I'm truly sorry you had to lose someone so important to you like that without ever knowing that something was wrong. But story-wise, it helps me understand what you really have against Serene. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

    - entry 2, in my opinion, is too long and not interesting enough. It definitely has it's moments, but it's seriously lacking compared to the first. No, that's an overstatement, but it definitely doesn't keep you reading the same way. I'd suggest trying to cut this section down a little, taking out anything that isn't totally important, since it seems to only be here to help explain the world and your friends' characters.

    - "It was all a huge convoluted maelstrom of retardedness." I loved this line. 100%. It perfectly described the type of situation you were dealing with in exactly your character's voice. Quite excellent, really. Applies well to the end of entry 3.


    There really aren't many problems, minus the occasional grammatical error and the like. I mean, I really enjoyed it. Will be keepin' an eye on it, that's for sure. Keep it up!
     
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  4. Syndrome

    Syndrome You can change this now in User CP.

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    BUMP: Entry 4
    ---
    Wow, I honestly did not expect anyone to leave a response haha xD
    I didn't think I was writing anything that coherent. I literally sat down and wrote and wrote and wrote. There was little proofreading, I just let the words flow out on their own. Perhaps I should do this more often for my fantasy novels then, as progress is slow when I sit down and think out how to word things properly.

    Ahaha, my fantasy novel starts out with "Golden Rule number...", I try to put in as many influential people in my life into my books, and with them are their quirks and unique views. Joseph is probably the only person I would think of as 'cool'.

    I'm glad that Entry 1 had such a powerful impact with those words, I really wanted to get that across my initial impression of Serene and how baseless my hatred for her was, even though it made complete sense to me at the time.

    Thank you for your condolences, Ayu is... quite the person. My world became that much smaller without her around, it felt like the entire world deserted me at the time. I have had a lot of help moving on though, still, she will always have a special place in my heart. More like a void really, but there's no helping it.

    Entry 2 I really didn't like when I read it again. Maybe after I'm done all six or seven entries I'll go back and fix it up. You're right in all accounts though, thanks for pointing it out.

    I should really write my thoughts more often then haha. I originally wanted to 'show' you my past rather than tell it, but I guess people will enjoy this more if I added more of 'me' into this... But there are a lot of mistakes I've done in the upcoming parts of my story that I am in no way proud of. I'll be very much tempted to change my parts and my thoughts around. I hope it will not come to that though.

    Thank you Kaerfnomekop for reading this too
     
  5. Fatmankev

    Fatmankev Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker

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    Alright, entry #4. I thought it's quality was similar to entry 3, my second favorite of the four so far (the first being my favorite), definitely pretty good. It seems like you're starting to lose some of those unique aspects of your voice. I'm a big fan of the short, meaningful lines, especially when they're worth starting a new paragraph over.
    Great lines. Hooked me in. That's the narrative voice I really like. The rest of it is a bit more drab, more like my traditional writing style (something we both need to get away from!), but the story is solid.

    There was only one thing I didn't like, and that was the description of her mask slipping. It's fine and all, but it's kinda confusing; I guess it was the first time you'd ever seen her angry or something? If so, you may want to reiterate the point in there somewhere, 'cuz I didn't really pick up on it that strong. Still, others might not have the same problem, and the final decision goes to you.

    I'm hooked, dude. Like the characters in your life and the way you set it all out. You, in particular, make a good main character, or at least a character who's perspective you see the story from. Something you should consider, there o_O

    But yeah, bro'. Good stuff. Keep 'em coming.
     
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  6. Syndrome

    Syndrome You can change this now in User CP.

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    Bump: Entry 5

    We're nearing the end of my tale here, or at least this part of it. I don't think this will go on more than 7 or 8 entries. After which we will hit the end of my first year here in university, which would be last summer. I might write this year's happenings too, because they are just as drama filled as my first year.

    I think I've learned a lot from writing this, thanks to you Kev. It's been hard enough already writing this without bending any of the truth, we're about to hit the parts I'm very ashamed of. The story is about to hit a very steep drop, and I have no small part in setting the track.

    I'm pretty sure now that I will rewrite older entries once I'm done all of them. You're right, I haven't been clear as to what I was thinking.

    I liked Serene's true self. Not Serene, the girl whom everyone loved and the girl who was touchy and cute. I liked Serene, the girl who was crafty, manipulative, and cunning. The girl who also went through a good share of bad experiences, but didn't let those experiences overwhelm her. The girl who would find even the simplest things enjoyable.

    It's too bad I never got to say that to her.

    I'm glad you like my character haha, I should really make myself the narrator in my next short story or something lol. It just feels more natural and more simpler to do.

    Thank you so much for the reply again, Kev. It really means a lot.
     
  7. Fatmankev

    Fatmankev Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker

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    Man, sad, true stories suck. I don't even wanna read anymore 'cuz I'm gonna end up feeling bad, I can taste it strong already. Don't be makin' me go all teary-eyed n' shit at the end, aight? (lol, just playin'. It's good!)

    Alright, nothing too strong in the first two paragraphs, but it really sets the scene, which is necessary for this story. Check back through and fix a couple spots where you missed some punctuation or forgot a word.

    I like the the next bit, your realization that you liked her. It works perfectly with your first entry, and that's where I really got hooked back in. I've always been a fan of the dramatic one-liners.

    I also enjoyed the following paragraphs because your thoughts and feelings match up to how you've presented your character throughout the story. That's how I'd expect him to react, and so I was pleased when he did. I really liked the line, "Call it shy, call it a stupid move, whatever." I'm not sure exactly why, but I think it's just because it reflects his voice so well, and maybe this entry is a little more formal in some of the other parts.

    Very nice point, adding in your perspective of her new acquaintances: they're just temporary things, until you were both ready to go back to one another. Good stuff.

    Next part sort of confused me. How long is a while, in regards to you not seeing her? Later, you make it sound like you didn't see her because she was in her room for the week, but at first it sounds like you didn't see her for months or something. Might want to try to clarify that.

    Solid ending. Gotta go, but will finish comment later.
     
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  8. Syndrome

    Syndrome You can change this now in User CP.

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    Entry 6:
    Removed.

    Ugh. This part was going to be much longer but I had to stop here. Can't write much more, I need to take a break. I'll finish this story tonight.

    Thanks so much Kev, I kept your advice in mind as I wrote this. Hopefully some parts would be better.

    It's hard to write non-fiction of yourself, especially when there are parts you rather not revisit. I find it hard to put myself back in there, you know? I had to stop myself from writing apathetically in this entry and the next. This is good exercise though, I haven't been attached to any of my own stories before.
     
  9. Syndrome

    Syndrome You can change this now in User CP.

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    After much contemplating and due to a friend's advice I've found myself a moral issue here.
    This is Serene's story just as much as it is my story and I don't have her permission to write this.
    At this point I don't think she will like what I'll be writing just as much as I will. The story gets 'better' as we start growing up, but it's about to reveal the worst of us both.

    I'm unsure whether or not I should continue this or delete it.

    Edit: Entry 6 reuploaded while I think more on this.
     
  10. thewrongvine

    thewrongvine The Evolved Panda Commandant Staff Member

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    I concur, fatmankev. Don't make me cry-hard-2.
     
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  11. Syndrome

    Syndrome You can change this now in User CP.

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    Well, this started out as a way for me to exercise my writing skills without having to think of a story myself; I would just use stuff that had happened to me earlier.
    Now I realized this was a poorly thought out idea, because no one likes having their skeletons in the closets dragged out into light.
    I'll delete the entries and such, but thanks to those who have read this because I have learned a lot from everyone's input.

    Though I must say, I never had to stop writing a story because of morality issues before hahaha.

    Though I can tell you what happens next Kev haha
     
  12. Fatmankev

    Fatmankev Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker

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    I'm majorly bummed about this.

    Sorry I haven't been able to comment on your latest entry or your moral dilemma, I've been rather preoccupied as of late.

    You're right - no one likes having their skeletons dragged out of the closet. But most of the best writer's take their own experiences and infuse them into their writing. Maybe you just went a little too far with it.

    Have you considered, the same basic story but with a slight alteration of characters, beyond the name change? Maybe present the way that things worked out a little differently, without changing the main idea behind the story? I can totally understand and respect the fact if you chose not to, but lemme tell ya... I was enjoying it.

    But you're probably making the best choice. I have two friends that don't want nothin' to do with one another because of some shit that happened when we were kids and my one friend writing about it. Granted, the story was hilarious and very well written, but it really sent my other friend off, and he was talking about it for weeks even though we kept telling him to shut the fuck up. But yeah, like I said, I get where you're coming from.

    Entry 6 was awesome though, just fyi. Really got me excited for the next one.
    You ass.

    Edit: I feel like it would be healthy for you to finish writing this story out anyway, even if you don't show it to anyone. Sounds like some heavy shit. It might do you some good, and no one should have a problem with that.
     
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  13. Syndrome

    Syndrome You can change this now in User CP.

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    Haha, thanks Kev.
    Yeah, I was thinking on it a lot when I finished entry 6.
    I don't think I'll continue writing it, I already introverted enough with past events and though I couldn't show what happens next I am glad how things turned out, because if it wasn't for a specific scene later down the road, I wouldn't have met the only two people here who are worth knowing.
    Maybe I will end up writing about it, if you want to read it Kev lol.
    In any case, I learned a lot from this, hopefully I can show you guys some actual polished writing soon; this one was just me sitting down for like twenty minutes and writing non-stop before hitting Post haha.

    When are you posting up that story Kev? I want to read it lol
     

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