short poem

[Zakyath]

never relinquish what you hold closest to your heart,
tides will turn when sunlight slaughters the dark,
just hold your breath until the dawn rise,
your lust's delinquency will soon be past.

dare to live your dreams,
or shatter them like glass against the rocks,
no one is holding your destiny in her hands; do what you must.

 

[Genkora]

It's good, but I think the line

the delinquence of your lust will soon belong to the past

would sound better if you knocked off three syllables somehow.

 

[Zakyath]

"your lust's delinquency will soon be past" mb? If that even is grammatically correct...

 

[Genkora]

yeah, that sounds better.

 

[Jimpy]

never relinquish what you hold closest to your heart,
tides will turn when sunlight slaughters the dark,
just hold your breath until the dawn rise,
your lust's delinquency will soon be past.

dare to live your dreams,
or shatter them like glass against the rocks,
no one is holding your destiny in her hands; do what you must.

Never relinquish what you hold closest to your heart,
tides will turn when sunlight slaughters the dark.
Just hold your breath until the dawn rise,
your lust's delinquency will soon be past.

Dare to live your dreams,
or shatter them like glass against rocks.
No one is holding your destiny in their hands; do what you must.

-Zakyath / your for realz name.

Bit of grammar goes a long way to making you look legit, and looking legit gives the words and lines used more credit.

 

[thewrongvine]

I liked it. Good job! :thup:

Don't know what else to say...

~Hai-Bye-Vine~

 

[Krys A Night]

Very good, I like it.

The imagry is very powerful.