The Job

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
I started this story on July 3rd bam! finished it! if you already read first two chapters, you should read again, cuz i added some stuff that will make the end make sense..

give me positive rep if you like it;)
 

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Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Pretty good, 7/10. Some grammatical errors, some parts that just sound weird. You're a bit repetitive in the first heest, and you telling about it like it already happened and then your in the car driving but then when you get there its in the past again. Correct me if I'm wrong. The end, I know you were trying to make it sound foreboding because it was "The Job" but it doesn't come off like that the way you did it. Like if you look at My prologue of Remembrance, I say
"It was at this spire the Lites had been killed.
Slaughtered. Burned. Shook.

Broke...

This was the thing that defied the world, sat on a throne of death and peace and laughed at it, challenging it to face the power of man, power they had long held, long forgotten.

Power they would soon need to remember."

Spaces and Shorter sentences usually do better in those situations, and some kind of build up. Idk, just a suggestion.

Despite those minor things, I liked it.
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
WOW, you sound like steven spielburg, but thanks for the tips, maybe you can help me with the plot for the big heest..


thanks anyway Halahan..

and thanks for reading..

the job. :D
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
second chapter finished.. and i revised the first.. it is really good story.. so far
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Better then the first chapter, everything is still kind of choppy, doesn't flow together too well. though you do do a good job building up suspense for the heest.
lol.... with the first chapter. The end, still doesn't sound right with the commas. Although a few more people need to read this so you can get there opinion on it too. Here's how I might write it.

"Today was different though. We did not visit them today. I had to make come up with a plan, the biggest plan of my life.
A plan needing the brilliance of a commander, the cunning of an assassin.

tomorrow I'll tell Jimmy and Harry.

Let them sleep."

I didn't like using "The Job" as the closer, I couldn't find a way to make it work. If you like it you can use it.

Overall,
Pretty Good.
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
yea yea speilburg, thats sounds a little better, but two things 1: the cunning of an assasin? that really doesn't sound right for a heest.. 2: let them sleep.. i'm writing the story in past tense, that sounds present.

anyway thanks
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
That is past tense. Its just taking out the 'I' as in "I let them sleep" Let
If you don't like the assassin thing thats fine, I just came up with it off the top of my head.
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
hmmm.. interesting
i got an idea.. how about i send you my story and you can revise it and change and stuff..
then send it back?
wanna see how good you can make it...
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Idk, I just have a few suggestions. If you want you can, but your the main writer here. Make it whatever you want. ;)
 

Miz

Administrator
Good Story
I love Tragedies at the end of a story
You can always write a second story

I would give rep but I don't like rep beggers but What the Hell


I may open a Writers Database so you don't have to waste attachment room for your story just post the link

But idk if I desided to make it
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
lol sorry to beg but i have nooo rep.

thnx tho and a writers database sounds cool.
 

New_U.S.

ITS OVER 9000!
I'll get to reading this soon...
I think you deserve rep just for actually posting a story in here (I'm not a poetry fan)
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Not saying he shouldn't get rep, but a lot of people have posted stories here... Paradise, Corruption, Arcane Corruption, Remembrance (the best by far lol)... the list goes on and on...

I'll read soon.

Miz, how do you plan to do the database?
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
i think mine is the longest of them yet(except for Corruption of course). But you havent finished Remembrance... so thats a factor. Anyway thnx for the rep if u gave it to me.

I do think you should make the database Mizo, maybe thatll inspire Halahan to FINISH remberance:p
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
I've had to figure out the Plot. I didn't have it clear enough.
No, Arcane corruption, and Paradise is also longer then yours. in fact, mine is still longer then yours I think.
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
mines 8 pages, yours is like 5, arcane corruption aint longer either
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
oh, ya yours is longer then mine.
But no, yours is 8 pages and Arcane corruption has at least 16 chapters, each as long as yours.
Also, the Sage of Immortals and a good many forgotten ones.
 

Miz

Administrator
ok why are you guys arguing again?
I say you to stop it because does it really matter how long the story is
no...
It matters how good it is

You could write the longest book in the world
But it doesn't means its good
 

DM Cross

You want to see a magic trick?
Staff member
Okay. Let's set a little rule.

If your story isn't over 50 pages long, no one cares whose is longer.

Word? :) Word.
 
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