The Other Side

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Not bad. The beginning: We realize the wall is big. we got that...

Don't get caught up in using to many random words in italics.

Pretty good
 

Miz

Administrator
I like the weird words
I also like the hidden stuff because you know they did a crime and got framed but it seems to be a good story
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
Don't get caught up in using to many random words in italics.
well ur gunna see alot of em cuz thats the language they use on the east side.. ull learn that later in the story..

thnx for the input, ill start wrkin on 1st chapter soon
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
alright... but for example... you technically shouldn't need a glossary, because you should be explaining what each word means when you say it in the text, unless someones speaking and you don't want people to know what he/she is saying.
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
alright... but for example... you technically shouldn't need a glossary, because you should be explaining what each word means when you say it in the text, unless someones speaking and you don't want people to know what he/she is saying.
its not neccesary for them to know it, when its important for them to understand what it means i will

right now i just added a glossary for something extra, but mainly to help them pronounce my words.
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
alright i made some little changes to the prolouge so as to appease the gods( Halahan and Pineapple) i edited the whole story again, not just the wall part...




I still hate prolouges
well then, just think of it as a first chapter:D
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
ya i knew QFT,

but i thought FTW was "for those wondering..."

w/e ftw.

have a nice day:)
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Its ok. Take out that thing with the pigs and Troy. Its worthless ramblings of background information that is to much of any kind unless its interesting. All it is is about a pig...
I forget the rest because I read through it really fast. might read it again later.
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
bump.

added a map, revised the prolouge and 1st chapter, and changed font so it looks really cool now

have a good day.:)
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
stop it with the have a good day. You saying that won't change it if its good or bad : /
"Isaac flew open the back door of a butchery shop, and slipped into an imperceptible corner, reluctantly hiding from anyone who might have actually seen him commit the crime. "

sounds like your trying to use big words. imperceptible is a bit much, maybe 'a hidden corner' or 'unnoticeable corner'. I don't really understand the reluctantly. why would he be reluctant to hide from a crime he didn't commit?
The map... its fine, but its dang small
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
just got off of winter break, and wrote another chapter (its short, so no pain to read)

oh, and by the way,

BUMP^
 
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