The Vision

[Ninva]

Spoiler

The vision came as a yellow haze. It swerved around the room covering all my possessions, my face, my body, my air! I gasped as the mysteriously foreign vapor sucked the oxygen out of my lungs! My vision blurred and the room began to rotate. But it was not the bedroom alcove that spun; it was I who involuntarily pirouetted as an unknown cancer infected my mind! I felt sick, and I surely was for I felt eruptions of stomach acid pass the cavity of my mouth onto the ground before me as I wander in a drunken daze. After a moment of brief traveling, I fell on my own matter of vomit. Upon the floor I lay as the world around me was violently agitated by an unseen force. Streaks of vivid colors and flashes of hue exploded inside my mind. Then the burning intensity of the most noisome stench flared into my nostrils...

Continue your reading here.

This is my first attempt at writing horror. Tell me what you think.

 

[Ninva]

Thanks for the feedback. I haven't gotten any feedback in such a long time despite all the work I've done this week. It's really nice to get some encouragement 'cuz life gets rough.

Take care, friend.

 

[Varine]

The speech was kind of weird.

Do you read Lovecraft?

 

[Ninva]

The speech was kind of weird.

Do you read Lovecraft?

No, but I've heard of that author before. How is the speech weird?

 

[Halahan]

"After a moment of brief traveling, I fell on my own matter of vomit. Then the burning intensity of the most noisome stench flared into my nostrils..."
Great except those two things bothered me. Noisome because it didn't seem to fit, and matter because it didn't really make sense. I may not know the correct definition of noisome however, or of the many uses of matter, so pardon me if i'm mistaken. .

 

[Varine]

No, but I've heard of that author before. How is the speech weird?

He wrote a lot of horror stories in the early 1900's. Uses pretty intense language though.

"Damn!" I cried, "I've been laying in my own regurgitation!"

That entire line just seems kind of stupid to me; it doesn't seem like anything anyone would say. To me anyway.

The wording of most of it seems erroneous. It kind of reminds me of those books that are good, but the author tries to make the language more archaic way but goes unnecissarily overboard and it doesn't flow.

 

[thewrongvine]

Hmm... it's good but a bit confusing. So during the vision, did he see people having that conversation, or did he talk to someone else in the vision?

And I agree with Varine. With speech, it should be normal and free - not something that you should think about, unless it's purposely like that for like a mind game or something. When it's not speech and is just normal writing, a diverse set of vocabulary is good but for talking... meh. There's nothing wrong with it, but it just sounds un...natural to me.

Is there going to be more? Or just ended as that short story?

Anyway, it is well-written. Descriptive with vivid detail yay! :thup:

 

[Ninva]

The wording of most of it seems erroneous. It kind of reminds me of those books that are good, but the author tries to make the language more archaic way but goes unnecissarily overboard and it doesn't flow.

Oh, I thought it was funny. But I understand where you're coming from. I just couldn't help myself this time.

When I wrote the word vomit I realized that I didn't know any other word for vomit, nor could I think of any more words for vomit at the time. So, I looked up the word vomit, and I found out that the word vomit is the act of vomiting, which seemed incredibly stupid to me. Thus this whole short-short story took a long-long time to write up. But I had fun with it.

Thanks for your input. It always helps me out!

"After a moment of brief traveling, I fell on my own matter of vomit. Then the burning intensity of the most noisome stench flared into my nostrils..."
Great except those two things bothered me. Noisome because it didn't seem to fit, and matter because it didn't really make sense. I may not know the correct definition of noisome however, or of the many uses of matter, so pardon me if i'm mistaken.

I see nothing wrong with the use of noisome, Hal. Personally, I thought it was rather clever of me to use such a good word for that sentence. But I suppose it would help if you knew what the word meant.

I used the word matter because vomit is the act of vomiting (yeah, stupid, I know). I should've used the word stomach acid or something simpler. Thanks for your input!

Is there going to be more? Or just ended as that short story?

It was just for a short article. It was practice, but I thought maybe you guys would be entertained by it. Also, I needed some critics to review my work. Thanks for reading, and I understand your concern for my dialogue. I was trying to witty, but I did play with the idea to make this a more of serious story than I produced.

 

[thewrongvine]

rappunk, Can You Stop Talking Like This With Capital Letters For The First Letter Of Every Single Word? :banghead:

so, Ninva, can you answer my questions and solve my confusion about this?

-Did he see people having a conversation in his vision?
OR
-Did he have a conversation with someone else in his vision?

Well, just a quick suggestion. This is just my opinion - horror is a type of writing that doesn't always require such description. Yes, the vidid detail of "the blood dropped down" to something like "the dark blood slowly dripped down, tarnishing the floor into a red-stained muddle" (or something ^_^), but in some, not all, cases, you just need a sudden BAM! of horror, if you get what I mean. Hm... like, description is always good when describing the horror itself, the characters, enviroment, but with the actions - sometimes it's better to just be a sudden surge of action that appears. Description can go around it.

I don't really know what I'm saying... Well, good luck! :thup:

 

[Seb!]

rappunk, Can You Stop Talking Like This With Capital Letters For The First Letter Of Every Single Word? :banghead:
\

Oh Come On
Everyone's doing it
Mate

Cheers

 

[Ninva]

rappunk, Can You Stop Talking Like This With Capital Letters For The First Letter Of Every Single Word? :banghead:

so, Ninva, can you answer my questions and solve my confusion about this?

-Did he see people having a conversation in his vision?
OR
-Did he have a conversation with someone else in his vision?

Well, just a quick suggestion. This is just my opinion - horror is a type of writing that doesn't always require such description. Yes, the vidid detail of "the blood dropped down" to something like "the dark blood slowly dripped down, tarnishing the floor into a red-stained muddle" (or something ^_^), but in some, not all, cases, you just need a sudden BAM! of horror, if you get what I mean. Hm... like, description is always good when describing the horror itself, the characters, enviroment, but with the actions - sometimes it's better to just be a sudden surge of action that appears. Description can go around it.

I don't really know what I'm saying... Well, good luck! :thup:

I really don't understand your question, nor your statement. I've never really gotten a sudden 'bam' of freight from horror movies. Horror just isn't my genre, I get that now. Haha!

 

[Varine]

I think if you reworded the speech it would be better off if you intend on having it published. Like that line I quoted, I really don't get why he would say that given the situation.

I'm done bitching now; I'll let you do whatever you want.

 

[thewrongvine]

Oh Come On
Everyone's doing it
Mate

Cheers

Don't give in to peer pressure!

Haha, true, I did that myself a few times. It is cool. But it gets wierd.

Well Ninva, it's not that horror isn't your genre. It was very good, but I'm just saying for a different perspective of writing horror. Um, like just another view, but it's still perfectly fine. Eh... now I'm confused.