Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'The Writer's Corner' started by Pineapple, Oct 19, 2006.
high above them there was two others watching the elves scurry past.
fixed, but thats about a month after i posted that chapter.
Thats pretty darn good, maybe revise the first paragraph a little. add a little more mystery.
What type of mystery do you think i can add?
Chapter Fifteen: Pasts and Plots
Luna climbed up the mountain as she could hear the thunderous strokes of hammers meeting steel from within. She knew she was close to the gate of colossus. The snow was deep and all her limbs were frozen or freezing. She was extremely tired and wanted nothing more than to just collapse into the snowy banks of the mountain side but using all the remaining strength that she could muster Luna pushed on. The wind was stronger than any she was used to from the forest and it seemed to take a liking to holding her back from the gates. In the far distance she could see the entrance at long last; it was shut tight because the sun was just coming up. Here weakened limbs struggled and made it to the gate as she took her arms and banged on the gate hopping from someone to let her in. Her eyes grew heavy and her arms to week to keep banging, she slowly drifted on into unconsciousness with one last bang before she collapsed. The last thing she heard was the gate opening and a rather welcome “aye…”
Luna woke under cover of many blankets and the crackle of a fire. She was curled up into a ball so she could fit onto the bed. She felt warm and rejuvenated. Her senses were working and it seemed as if none of her fingers or toes went missing as she had feared would happen. She opened her eyes and got up out of the small dwarven bed and hit her head on the ceiling. The walls had many shelves and bookcases cluttered with plenty of useless knick-knacks. The one thing that stood out to her was a yellow mineral on one of the shelves. It was spherical in shape and had a slight glow to it. She picked it up to examine it and within the center of the mineral was an eye. In shock and fear she dropped the mineral and turned as the door knob turned and a dwarf walked in.
“Good to see ye up and walking. I found ye at the gates on my way to the tavern so I took you here so you can warm up and regain your strength! Oh pardon me, my names Devon Thunderclasp!” The dwarf let out a hearty laugh and he walked over too Luna and picked up the golden mineral and put it back on the shelf. “Now tell me young night elf what’s your name?” He looked at her with a look of confusion and back away giving her more room and he sat on a wooden chair waiting for her response.
“My-my name,” Luna wasn’t sure what she should be thinking or feeling right now. He seemed nice enough but yet, she saw the mineral her self! Was he planning on doing something similar to her? She wasn’t sure but she thought it best to stay on his good side just in case. “My name is Luna.” She was still nervous as the dwarf stared at her. She started to get nervous and she just couldn’t hold it back anymore. “’Im-I’m sorry but, was that an eye in that golden mineral?!” She pointed at the sphere and the dwarf laughed again but louder.
“Oh, Luna eh? That’s a common name within the night elves. And I will explain the mineral after ye tell me your story, why are ye here?” Luna started from the beginning and told all the way up to her collapse outside of the gates. She told how she hoped the dwarfs might be able to help. “The dwarves are occupied keeping the humans happy and keeping there hides safe, as long as King Adreon has the dwarves enthralled with his reign of evil the dwarfs will have no business to help you. Now I am a dwarf of my word, let me tell you a tale.”
One century ago a dwarven expedition went into the mines and they mined for gold, copper, silver, and other precious minerals to help build our economy higher and higher. This party broke down one of the mines wall uncovering a chamber that glowed purple. They went inside and found glowing purple crystals. My grandfather took his pick axe in hand and the leader of the expedition took it form him and he stuck the mineral with all the force he could muster. The mineral wasn’t even scratched! They had to dig through the stone walls and remove the mineral in one whole piece. They managed to take a few crystals back with them. It was named Arcane.
The black smiths tried to forge it and smelt it to no avail this mineral wouldn’t melt nor would it change shape. It was put into a room alone till they could decide what to do with it. All the expedition and the black smiths who worked with it became possessed with the thoughts of this mineral and they would gather in the room with it as often as they could pretending to be thinking of a use for it. About 3 days after the discovery the dwarves emerged from the room, but no one suspected what would then happen.
All the dwarfs went berserk they took there hammers and pick axes then they attacked and killed everyone they could. The head back smith came out later with the minerals sticking out of his arms and chest. The dwarves fought back but it was tough, the crazed dwarves felt no pain or sympathy, they would fight on with the loss of all there limbs and they wouldn’t die. They also had no blood. The town managed to catch them all in a net and the families cried. The head dwarf decided that they families could have a memento from there loved ones as long as it was encased within golden mithril. My father picked his eye because he claimed he could see the best minerals quicker than anyone else. When he died the eye was passed down to me. We took the dwarves and tossed them intro the lava deep underground to dissolve, the dwarfs did but the mineral didn’t. We left it though. We already lost two thirds are population. Then eighty years after that, King Adreon used it to control us. Even after eighty years, we didn’t recover.
Luna could understand now, she looked at the mithril again and at the eye, it moved and looked around. She got shivers running up and down her back and turned back to the dwarf. “If we were to, end King Adreon II reign, then could the dwarves maybe help us?” She wanted there help badly because she wanted to save Tharon.
“It is possible, but how are we to do that?” the dwarf knew what she was thinking but he just wanted to hear her say it.
Luna smirked a little. “I’m talking about, murder, if he truly is evil, I’m sure we wouldn’t be in too much trouble.” She flashed a devilish smirk, although she hated calling it that, it was needed to save Tharon’s life.
Thats great. Maybe put the history in the quotes, since the dwarf is talking about it.
And wouldn't the dwarf didn't hear or see the mithril fall? Maybe put something like:
"He immediately jumped as the mithril ball hit the floor, but then relaxed seeing what it was." A bit of foreshadowing, even if it tells about it a paragraph later, and it makes it flow better.
"The snow was deep and all her limbs were frozen or freezing."
That's kind of awkward, choose one. Frozen if its really cold, life threatening, bit less modern, or freezing if you want to go with a bit more modern. I'd go with frozen.
He wasn't in the house when she dropped it.
Think of it like this,
She dropped the mithril, then he went into the house, he didn't hear or see it drop.
As for the quotes, i don't feel the need becuase its in its own section, so its not needed but could be used.
And as for the frozen or freezing, i guess what i meant was that, her lags would be frozen and numb, but her arms were getting there. Still i can see how its confusing.
Ya, but then say 'then the dwarf saw the mithril ball lying on the floor.' sorry if you already said that, im just remembering what u said.
I know but it helps you understand that that's the dwarf speaking. Makes it flow much better.
It wasn't confusing, just choppy, not as fluid.
This one turned out to be 3 pages, not 2 like normal
Chapter Sixteen: Turning Point
The two of them walked, side by side through the great tunnels of Colossus which easily towered over Luna which made her wonder how the Dwarfs caved such a magnificent home for them selves. Luna started to walk towards the entrance she came to when arriving. “Where do ye think ye are going? Follow me; we dwarfs have a much faster path to get to the port.” He pointed to a small side tunnel, which was lit up with torches along the wall and the stone was roughly carved compared to the walls of the tunnel that she was presently in.
Taking a step into the tunnel Luna was surprised she didn’t need to crouch, even more surprising was the fact that the dwarf fit in comfortably beside her as they walked down the tunnel. “Why didn’t I know about this tunnel when trying to get up here?” Luna showed more anger then she meant as she demanded an answer from the small dwarf. She learned quickly that the tunnel wasn’t always the same, at some points it became smaller or larger almost instantly.
Devon gave a smile and a chuckle as he continued down the tunnel at an even pace. “Well, I guess you will have to find out when we get there wont ye?” Devon could easily tell that Luna expected something but he didn’t think that even Luna would expect the truth. As the approached the end of the tunnel Devon knocked a few boulders out of the way using his axe as leverage. It was a simple feet for any dwarven men but for a night elven women it would seem impossible. An opening became clear but what was out of the opening wasn’t.
Luna gave Devon a gentle push to the side as she stepped out of the cave. Everything seemed to be fine but Devon yell at her not to take another step. He came out of the tunnel and stood beside Luna. “Do ye see what I was taking about?” Obviously Luna didn’t she was surrounded by nothing but Mountain and ground. There didn’t seem to be anything to be scared of or unusual. “Look harder…” She didn’t but again she didn’t see anything. “Looks like what you need is a good push in the right direction.” Devon pushed Luna forward with his mighty arm, there was nothing Luna could do, and the dwarf could easily snap her with that same arm. The ground beneath her feet fell into a small stream which was sprinkled with sharp pointy rocks. The same mighty arm caught her and she heard the familiar laugh of her dwarven friend.
Pulling Luna up and back to safety she let out a sigh or relief and she was surprised with her self; she knew-no-she trusted that the dwarf wouldn’t let her fall. “That-that is scary!” She breathed heavily as Devon laughed even harder. “It may be dangerous, but, why couldn’t I just take this to get to Colossus?” Inquisitively she looked at the dwarf expecting the answer.
“My, ye sure like to question now don’t ye?” The dwarf stopped laughing but it was easy to tell that he was still quite enjoying himself. “Well, I guess I can tell ye, the path through this here field is known only to the dwarfs. Then, after we pass this, we will have to take a dwarven slider to the town, ye can’t go up on a dwarven slider!” As he said those words he closed his eyes and raised his finger to show that the last part he said was a fact. “The sooner we get going the sooner we board a boat and the sooner we arrive in Stormvale!” The dwarf took a step and the earth didn’t collapse. “Just, stay behind me eh?” He gave her a wink as he stomped on the ground to prove his point.
“Oh, of course!” Luna followed behind becoming Devon’s shadow. Every step she took seemed worse then the last and Luna’s heart was racing a mile a minute. They were making there way through the invisible maze and Luna asked Devon a question. “I must save Devon, you have surprised me! I thought you would be all serious from how you were acting up until we got out of Colossus! Now you are much more laid back and easy going.” Before Devon answered Luna added in “-But you are still as strong as an ox!” This sent Devon into another laugh riot as he stopped to answer her question.
“Well, I never much enjoyed the tunnels, always wanted to get out of them, but that be comes hard when ye are a miner. I lived off the mines - off the tunnels. My dream is to one day have a house away from the mountain, away from all others. I want to become one with the nature of this world.” He kept walking and finished the conversation. “I think we should focus on our goal at hand.” He approached a mound and climbed over it. On the other side was the dwarven slider, a simple rope. Usually they come with something to sling over it but they were all used up over the years. Instead Devon broke off some branches with a round bend to use. He passed one to Luna and hooked his on. “I-I don’t know about this, I always had this thing for long falls that will cause me to die!”
Luna looked over shockingly at Devon. “You are sacred! Can’t take this eh? Well that’s ok, dwarfs weren’t meant to use dwarven sliders.” She said that last part just to get under his skin and get him to slide down the rope. The Dwarf went on about how he isn’t scared but he won’t go down the rope. All the while he was oblivious to Luna who snuck up from behind him. With a running start she pushed Devon off and he began his slide down towards the town below.
“Son of a swap pig!” Was all that could be heard as Devon slid down toward the village with Luna sliding down right behind him.
“Are you sure it is time?” He flew into the room with Krys beside him. “And why is it that you have to tell me?” The vampire said as he stopped so he wasn’t to get any closer to there prisoner but it was clear he didn’t realised that elves had amazing hearing and that he could easily here there conversation.
“Valthric is Busy! He told me to inform you. Beside you’re the lucky one he left the prisoner in your incapable hands!” he was clearly jealous that Seth got to be in command of the prisoner but she was also clearing using the fact that Valthric told her and not him to manipulate the situation and make Seth angry. “You know, just keep trying to get all the information out of the blasted elf as you can, I’m sure if Valthric put me in charge I would already have all the information we need.”
“Easier said then done, Krys. The Elf wont talk, he is strong willed, he refuses to give in. Look at him, he has cuts and bruises everywhere!” Clearly he was trying to suggest they just kill him now and get it out of the way. “He has no farther use, he wont talk, just finish him off now!”
“You do know what Valthric would say, don’t you?” Seth nodded his head in agreement but Krys kept going. “HE would tell you to tray something else and to just get that information.” She was glade that she could show some dominance over Seth but even she knew that without a goal to work towards the elf will remain intact. “If- and I do mean if he doesn’t talk after that then maybe we could discuss killing him at the summoning.” That spread a smile across Seth’s face. But Tharon’s face didn’t share the same enjoyment, as much as he wished otherwise, he was the prisoner.
He walked back and forth thinking carefully. His choice would be of grave importance, even thought the choice seemed so obvious if he did chose the obvious one and it wasn’t as grave as he hoped they couldn’t be there when the time did come when they would be needed because there would be a great chance they would die. He made his choice, yes. “Yes, prepare for war!” Howls burst up around all the troops as they raced around to prepare themselves whether it is practicing there combat or preparing there arcane.
“Oron, are you sure it is the time? It not been confirmed out side of Jarod’s word that the void is becoming active and lining themselves for an invasion.” Ulrik’s face showed anger and worry. If they were wrong then they would be slaughtered. “If they aren’t preparing then we will all become compost before we even fight back! It’s madness!”
“I understand, but if they are, we have to act. If they are a large magical radiation will emit and the Druids will come running wit the other elves to return order. Once the humans have news of the elves mobilising then they too will come running. It will be us three against the vampires and together we can stop them from tearing open the void! I share your concern, but we must act!” Oron was clearly not budging and Ulrik had to accept that.
“You claim it will be three against one, well all hate each other, it will be a free for all! No one will be safe!” Ulrik was now just trying to make sure Oron thought of all the possibilities. All the werewolves were in danger, not just him, so he needs to have thought this through.
“That is unlikely we will all be working towards one goal; to stop the vampires. It seems very unlikely and non-strategic to fight each other.” Ulrik was not convinced, since when was Savages strategic.
Good. Your writing seems to be changing a little. Idk, it seems just a bit more artificial. Still very good, a good many spelling mistakes, such as 'ass' is 'as' and 'glade' is 'glad'
but still i like it
i fixed the @$$ mistake.
And what do you mean as being more artificial? The main difference i notice is i try to add more description. If you mean more Fantasy now then real then, its going to get a lot more fantasy like. (Oooo, foreshadowing...)
I don't know, maybe like your changing it it but its not natural like your purosely changing it. idk, I still like it, and you may ease into the writing style
IDK it was just a feeling.
Chapter Seventeen: Off to Stormvale
The two of them walked through the streets of Colossus Port. The taverns were crowded with all the dwarfs getting filled with ale before they set off on the waters. They needed to find passage to Stormvale, which was a problem. Most of the ships were going to Stormvale, but it seemed none would allow passengers. Both Luna and Devon asked all the captains around the ports but they were chasing a dream as it were. "It's not going to work, no one seems to allow us on deck. How are we suppose to get to Stormvale without a boat?" Luna asked Devon as they sat on a bench overlooking the water exhausted from their efforts.
"I'm afraid we will have to keep trying. The only way that we can travel so far over water is by boat. We will have to wait until we find a dwarf willing to take us across." Devon gave a long sigh as he lowered his head down towards the ground. Then they could here the sound of dwarfs coming to the docks. It was obvious to tell they were dwarfs from the sounds if ale spilling and the load thud from there boots which usually were plated in metal stips. One of the dwarfs, most likely the captain of the crew was speaking and silenced the others. Devons head perked up as he looked towards where the dwarfs were. "I think I know who that is."
Devon ran off to the dwarfs and Luna stalled for a second before following after him. When she made it she recognized the captain too. "Nice to see you again, and thank you for the ride here earlier." The dwarf gave a grunt to show that he acknowledged what she said but obviously didn't care too much. "I must as another favor, could you take me a Devon to Stormvale with you? We need to get there quickly."
The dwarf looked towards Devon then at his crew. They all just stood watching not making any movements or a noise. "Well, What is this all about, brother." Luna showed shock after realizing that they were related. Devon and the other dwarf greeted each other like a pair of dwarven brothers, they grunted, puffed up there chest and nodded there head once upwards.
"The less ye know the better for yourself. But we could really do with a ride. I'll pay ye back, dwarfs honor!" Devon looked at his brother who was obviously not as impressed as he would have hoped or as thrilled to be helping his bother, probably because he has had to get Devon out of messes or help him before. "Please, Darik." Darik gave the look that he was caving in and not impressed at all with himself.
"Aye, board the ship and stay out of the way! Once we land ye are on yer own!" He showed genuine anger with his brother, it obviously wasn't just for show to his crew. Luna wanted to ask Devon what happened with his brother but he gave her the don’t ask look. With that Luna walk onto the deck and Devon got pushed to the wall and forced to wait till everyone else was on.
Hidden in the shadows of the buildings and ally ways he watched them board as he talked to himself and played with the vial of arcane around his neck; flipping it around in his fingers. He wore a black robe and none of his body seemed visible. Equipped on his back was a scythe. He stuck out like a soar thumb at Colossus or anywhere else for that matter. He made his way stealthily to the ship they went on and hooked onto the side waiting for the ship to take off so he can get aboard and find a better place to sit, and wait. As the ship sailed off he spoke to himself. "From Territh to Colossus, I followed, and now, I follow once more. The reaping will come and the death will be slow. The reaper will claim you head."
He sat on a wooden chair wearing all his armour inside of a tavern taking a drink. He was stuck in this town until the king sends for him, which could be days or until he actually finds a rebel group planning on ending the king’s reign. It seemed very unlikely that such a group was to exist in Stormvale. All the people of the human empire feared the king too much to even think of a rebellion. Not only was he safe from rebellion but he was safe from war. It is customary to have the king lead a charge in battle, and because the human empire expands so quickly and is so numerous in size, the elves and dwarfs were to small a force to take them down.
He kept thinking back to what he could have done if he hadn’t accepted to become a royal guard. He could have been back home working as a holy knight for the church instead of the slave to an unruly king. He looked out of the window to see the sun up at its peak which meant that the ships will be docking and It was his time to go welcome the captains and give directions so it appears that he does have an actual purpose to be in Stormvale.
He drowned himself with the rest of the ale then he headed out the door toward the docks. The sun was beaming down onto the port as the smell of fish washed across his face and the sounds of people scurrying away from the crest on his shield which was the human crest –well- the crest that Adreon II chose and forced upon everyone. It had two swords crossed, tipped with blood, all above the head of a dwarf. The king didn’t truly hate dwarfs but they were so easy to manipulate and even easier to kill in a war.
When He finally arrived at the docks one ship stood out above the rest. This ship had a pair of dwarfs tossing another dwarf off of it; scratches marked on the sides and even more shocking to him was a night elf that got off the boat. His curiosity got the better of him just like it would any other man and he walked off to great the captain or the ship.
I really like it. Very nice and smooth and natural. brother is spelled brother not 'bother' and I had forgotten for a second about that Captain so maybe remind a bit more. What ever happened to that earth druid? O, wait, he was tied up in that cave but are you going to continue him?
Oh, and Luna 'showing shock after realizing they were related' seems a bit much just to realize they are brothers. fix that.
But I really like it, very good.
The reason you probably forgot was becuase he came in a long time ago so it is like picking up novel in the middle after a month or more of not reading it.
And as for Tharon, he is trapped In the Dusk mansion with the vampires. It would get rather boring to talk about him so much when he is chained to the roof and the only thing that happens is Torture. But he was in the chapter before that i just only said his name once or twice while talking about him. But I guess it gets complicated, i don't like to just say the characters name when I'm referring to them, becuase i try to make it so you can figure out who it is, like the last part of that chapter was talking about Xander but i never once said his name. And i will be bringing back old characters you probably forgot about soon.
Its easier to read it if its in actual book, printed' format you know?
yea, i had one but my friend lost it.
Due to unforeseeable circumstances, i will be writing this a little more. Also due to the same circumstances something might happen earlier then planed. This might seem good for you, but i don't like these circumstances.
That sucks, but cool your going to be working on it more. Finished second chapter of Remembrance if you wanted to read. You haven't seemed to be on lately.
If Careers Mark = 25% then internet must be negative.