Hellhounds: Chapter one

Is the story worth continuing?

  • No, this shit is awful!

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • I wouldn't, it's not very well done.

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • It's alright, maybe it'll get better when you work on it more.

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    2

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Hellhounds

This is a fantasy, the beginning of a novel I've been thinking about for a while now but haven't felt compelled to begin. The writing is alright, and the story may be decent too, but in general, I'd just love some feedback to know what everyone thinks. Rep is unimportant to me; I just want to know what others think of my work. Thanks again to everyone who reads it, I really do appreciate it. Chapter one and two are both complete, and I think it's actually turning out quite nicely, so far.


Story Terms:
Drows - a spirit blade crafted by the Hellhound weaponsmith, Hephasto, that extracts the strengths of a slain victim and imbibes the blade's carrier with those strengths. Only Hellhounds use a Drows.
The Guard - basically, the police of the State(unknown name). They are employed by the Magister and are, for the most part, lacking any sort of magic, albeit weapons.
Hellhounds - an elite organization founded by the Magister. They are, simply put, bounty hunters that work alongside the Magister, dealing with those who cause disorder where the Guard is less influential, or when they are too powerful to be dealt with without the use of magic.
Hunts - the quests that a Hellhound Pack is assigned to in order to receive a bounty.
The Judge - the bringer of justice, employed by the Magister. He is extremely powerful and only called upon in dire circumstances when the Hellhounds are not enough.
The Magister - a powerful sorcerer that rules over the State(unknown name), he commands a plethora of innate magical abilities that are on a level much higher than most. Basically, the warrior-king of the State(unknown name).
Moon-Cycle - designated by the cycle of the world's primary moon, this is a period of time equivalent to roughly twenty-eight suns.
Pack - term referring to the groups of three that Hellhounds are assigned to when dealing with Hunts. Each pack has one leader and two followers.
The Prison - an enormous structure that houses the majority of the State's(unknown name) greatest offenders, as well as providing sleeping quarters for members of the Guard nearby. Many saftey precautions have been placed by the Magister himself to ensure that no one escapes.
Scanners - equivalent to forensics specialists or the FBI in our world, they use magic instead of science to reveal what could have happened at a crime scene.
The Song - a powerful type of magic possessed by Siren, granting her the ability to alter how others perceive things. As she grows more powerful, so will the abilities that the Song can perform.
Sun(s) - designated by the cycle of the world's Sun, a period of time equivalent to roughly 25 turns(hours).
Underworld - the headquarters for the Hellhounds, this is where they sleep, receive Hunts, forge Drows, etc. This is where it all goes down.
 

Attachments

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
I'll read the story if you change it lol

Edit >thanks for changing! I'll read
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Galan told the man in a stern tone.
Tone would work better than voice.

There was a moment of stunning silence as Galan made his way away from the soldiers, but it only lasted for a moment.
I believe stunning would work better in this sentence.

I'm amazed by your work.

Now, that I've read this peice of art, I'll have to say I'm a fan of your work. The history of your characters enchanted me in a magical world. Apparently this is fantasy, which is a big plus on your account. Please, keep writing.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Tone would work better than voice.


I believe stunning would work better in this sentence.

I'm amazed by your work.

Now, that I've read this peice of art, I'll have to say I'm a fan of your work. The history of your characters enchanted me in a magical world. Apparently this is fantasy, which is a big plus on your account. Please, keep writing.
Aw, thank you so much, that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :D I'll make sure to keep at it then, I suppose I'll finish the chapter at school tomorrow, since I sure as hell don't wanna learn pre-calculus.

Also, I agree, tone works much better in this situation. However, I believe stunning would make it seem as if the silence itself were something amazing. I agree with you, though, my word usage was poor in this situation, so I'll simply reword it completely.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
I don't have time anyways, unless I'm able to bring my laptop on this trip I'm going on I won't be able to read it for at least a week and a half. If the poetry contest starts by the way, though with how slow it went last time I doubt this will happen, but Ninva make sure they hold it until I get back so I can put in an entry.
Just thought of that
 

DM Cross

You want to see a magic trick?
Staff member
I don't have time anyways, unless I'm able to bring my laptop on this trip I'm going on I won't be able to read it for at least a week and a half. If the poetry contest starts by the way, though with how slow it went last time I doubt this will happen, but Ninva make sure they hold it until I get back so I can put in an entry.
Just thought of that
The contest will not be held for anyone, but there should be more than enough time for everyone to enter. That's why it went so "slowly" last time. We got a few entries really quick and a few more spread out over the rest of the month.

See? Now I bet you won't complain when we keep it open for awhile :rolleyes:
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Alright, chapter one is finished; it gets a little slow for a while, but don't worry, I'll speed it all up in chapter 2. ;)
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Chapter 2 is finished! A lot has happened this Chapter, and I didn't take the time to explain all of it, so feel free to ask any questions that you have about the story so far.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
I'll read yours and Ninva's next Sunday when I get back. You can count on that :shades:
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Alright... er. I just read the entire Chronicles of Narnia on the trip home (easy to travel with :)) and then Ninva's story, and seeing the length of yours is making life seem that less precious right now :eek: but I swear I will get to it tomorrow, still keeping my promise ;)
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
You... Swear that you'll get to it on Monday? Mr. Halahan, I had a feeling I shouldn't have trusted you.
 
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