Questions on a fragment of writing. Mainly characters.

Monsterous

In the Shadows, Lurking.
So, i wanted to write something based on time control, and as i wrote the first "area", i wanted to know what you guys thought of the two people.
Do note, this is a first draft. I would write more description wise etc etc, but this is just developing the speech.

............“Time manipulation, oh the wonders of it. No consequence, no boundaries, no laws. Provided you return everything back to normal by reversing time itself; you can do anything. Whack a guy, steal something, break something apart, it doesn’t matter with a simple reversal. Of course, you could always help others with such a power; without them knowing of course. Imagine, a heavy object falls onto someone. You fortunately stop time, and prevent that object from falling in the first place. It’s like a superhero without recognition. “

An apple was thrown into the air, followed by a clicking noise – and then silence.

“There’s three golden rules we all eventually learn. Usually through experience, sometimes through sheer common sense. Golden rule one: Don’t create a paradox. If you do, time is forced to reverse itself and you may, or may not, catastrophically be twisted and or dead. Golden rule two: Don’t draw attention. Nobody needs to see you be in one place then another in an instant.”

............“Ooooookay... what’s the third golden rule?”

............“Oh, the third rule? Don’t pick up some new kid who might suddenly cause untold destruction and mayhem."

............“I thought it was don’t talk to strangers.”

............“Me? A stranger? I’m more of a... mentor. Guiding you on your path to enlightenment, as well as other wise metaphors I can’t think of.”

............A snigger, “Can’t you just stop time and think of some?”

The man looked up, pointing to the floating apple. The “kid” looked up, head arched slightly with an eyebrow raised. A brief moment of silence filled the dank air.

............“Already have.”

With a click of his fingers, the apple fell down, and noise of a train laden with cargo resumed. The man’s hand clasped around the apple, and took a wet, juicy bite from it.

“Damn, that’s good. Oh hey, there’s some light at last from this tunnel.”

Three questions:
1. What characteristics do you think the two "voices" are? Cocky? Arrogant? Bright? Dumb?
2. How is the speech structure? Im still trying to get it right D:
3. When the kid is introduced, should i add some actions to the characters here? My take on this was that the reader would view the scene as nothing, just blackness. When the actions come in, you can see stuff, but its still dark. When the light comes from the end of the tunnel, then i would add description - as if the reader is in the train.

I hope you'll enjoy and answer my questions :3
 

Syndrome

You can change this now in User CP.
1] The 'teacher' guy sounded wise, a bit arrogant, but also has some sort of witty humour. The 'kid' sounded a bit reluctant, a bit unbelieving too, but also willing. I dunno if I can word that better.
2] I personally like doing the talking like this [in quotes], the way the indentation sometimes happen kinda throws me off - I don't like it :/ The content is good though. [Psst, there's an indent button on the text module here, you don't need so many white '.'s to space it out haha.]

When I was accepted into Metropolis University and applied for residence, I expected my single room dorm to be just that: a single room dorm with no one to bother me in. It was when I finished moving all of my things into the room and cleaned up after myself when I heard someone knocking lightly on my door. You could imagine my discomfort when I opened the door just a little bit to see a girl waving cheerfully to me, a wide grin plastered on her face. In her other hand was a small mug that had wisps of steam slowly flowing about in the cold dormitory with which she took a small sip of before talking to me.

“Hi! My name is Serena! I live right beside you. I hope we get together well!”​

I swung open the door completely this time, revealing her entirely. She had long brunette hair down to her small shoulders, her blue eyes shot out from her pale skin, and was quite a bit shorter than me. She wore a bright dress, for first impressions I guess, and it fit her small frame. Her wide bright smile made the world smile with her. Her cheerful attitude and her... atmosphere in general was the type that made anyone and everyone around her want to be friends with her.

She was exactly the only type of person I truly hated.

“Hi.”​

That was it. The only word that came out of my mouth, with a tone that made it clear that I didn’t want to socialize. Serena raised an eyebrow, but her bright smile didn’t falter a bit. She hugged the mug close to her body before giggling to herself.

“So, what’s your name?” She asked, fluttering her eyes innocently.

“Hybrid.” I stressed my name with more than a faint creeping impatience.​

“And... what are you majoring in?” She tilted her to the side a bit.

...She clearly wasn’t getting it.

“Psychology.” I reached for the door, ready to slam it closed the moment an opportunity showed itself.

“Cool! Me too! We need to check each other’s schedule to see if we have classes together.”
We better not. A whole year with you? Not happening.

“Did you take Co-op?” She took a small sip of tea as she did and resumed her innocent smile.

“No.” I said through gritted teeth.

“So, did you buy your textbooks yet?” She asked if she had not a care in the world.

“No.” I replied again, flatly.

“Me neither! Well, if you’re majoring in Psychology too then we should need the same books. Let’s go buy them together tomorrow!”
I loved how you left me room to say ‘No’.

“How do you like your room so far?”

“It could be better...” If you would leave me alone.

“Does your desk lamp work? The one they gave us for free? Mine doesn’t.” She replied with a worried tone as if it was the difference between life and death.

“I haven’t checked.” I just got here. How the hell would I know?

“Here, the switch is here- Oh, yours doesn’t work either...” She said; flipping the switch on and off as if doing it once wasn’t enough. “At least they gave us that form so we can report it and they will fix it for you. Here, let me write it down for you...”​

3] You could accentuate the 'silence' by adding a few details, like:
“Time manipulation, oh the wonders of it. No consequence, no boundaries, no laws. Provided you return everything back to normal by reversing time itself; you can do anything. Whack a guy, steal something, break something apart, it doesn’t matter with a simple reversal. Of course, you could always help others with such a power; without them knowing of course. Imagine, a heavy object falls onto someone. You fortunately stop time, and prevent that object from falling in the first place. It’s like a superhero without recognition." The kid nodded in response, though only heard the last few sentences over the blaring train horn echoing in the dark tunnel.
This will make the silence more... effective? Other than that, it should be all right. The reason why I brought up the silence was because this was the first shown... effect of time manipulation. It has to leave a lasting impression because that's your entire focus. Well, at least that's what I think.

BTW, I like your style. Post your story up when it's done haha :p
 

Monsterous

In the Shadows, Lurking.
For your first answer; perfect. That was what i was aiming for somewhat.
For the second answer, i had troubles with it to. I've been told its an indentation for a new character every time, and no indentation if the same speaker continues.
For your third answer, i agree - i felt the "silence" was out of place as no sounds were being played at the time.

Heres how i've now done it.
A loud horn blared somewhere, reverberating around the speaker. He threw an apple into the air, followed by a clicking noise – and then silence.
I did not want to introduce anything physical, as it would distort the impression of total darkness (save the apple), otherwise your suggestion is lovely :D

Thank you for answering, and thank you for the compliments :3
 

Zakyath

Member
It's hard to say, with just this sample it could as well have been the same people. At least I didn't notice any bigger differences between the character's speeches. I don't create characters - nor do I write stories - so you probably shouldn't listen to me, but I think to create your characters you need more than just this. Who are they, where were they born, where did they grow up? Some use different words more than others, some use them less, in different places different words are used, e.g. in different places in england "while" is used instead of "to", so while one character would say "from nine pm to nine am" another would simply say "nine while nine". I'd guess that having a list of small things that they do that's special for them is good, even if it's very subtle.
 

Monsterous

In the Shadows, Lurking.
I agree more is needed to... define the characters, but this would be like the starting paragraph :D
I dont like writing out a biography for each character at the start, i'd prefer to give snippets of the character over time, usually character, description, info.
 

GooS

Azrael
I dont like writing out a biography for each character at the start, i'd prefer to give snippets of the character over time, usually character, description, info.
I agree

I like stories where character definition is interwoven into the story, their actions and speech defining who they are. But then again there are situations in which an explicit descriptions fits best perhaps most so when a character is described between two other characters.

In any case this is a bit to little to go on, but this is what I felt:

The Kid:

Eager, don't really know why, might just be because of the way I read it, there's nothing that implies what tone they use.

Young Arrogance, the sort most young adults have, not yet really experienced the good/bad with the world.

The Mentor:

Odd, makes jokes in a somewhat serious situation, seems serious as i felt that it was just recently revealed to the kid about timetravel.

Appperently "dumb" but in reality wise, acting less smart than he really is to keep a light mood

Scarred, many characters being the above seem to be scarred by something, ie seen so many bad things they want as much time as possible to be light, funny and in general good

Its easy to read and the speech differs enough to be able to know which of the characters is speaking without directly telling the reader with stuff like "the kid said". Tone may be added as it's hard to know how they say the things they say.

I found the use of "no laws" odd when you follow up with declaring 3 rules.
"An apple was thrown into the air" I would like to know who threw it, so more like The man threw an apple into the air.

Maybe most important, when I finished reading, I wanted to read more, which is a good thing :)

//==GooS
 
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