Few Jokes

[PB_and_J]

May be long to read, but trust me, they are great.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped
up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."



With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and
read the letter.



Dear Dad:



It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have
been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.



But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I
am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter.



We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to
the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'l growing it for
ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine
and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.



Don't worry Dad.. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm
sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.



Love,
Josh



PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted
to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card
that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come
home.

----------------

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".

I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment".

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back".

"OK", I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...




On the couch...





Naked...

----------------------

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner,
apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A large black man reclining on the couch asked,"Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh..yeah, Sir. We're sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm A Genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish,
but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I
can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, Genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, Honey,
you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind. But what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, The genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.

No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?