First draft for lyrics

[Zakyath]

I've been recording a song and came to the conclusion that the lyrics had to be done all over again. So I wrote a first verse and a chorus - since I put a lot of effort into it, I don't want to continue with it if it's no good. So tell me what you think of the style, or just the piece in general.

I find myself taking a shot again,
For an ephemeral panacea to obliterate the anguish.
Though the exultation is volatile,
It’s the only way I know to submit,
When the sun seems as it’s lost its shine.

As if god had set his mind to rid this world of sin again,
I can feel the flood rushing in, washing away all that I’ve ever been.

 

[thewrongvine]

Line 2 is like a poem, ha.

Lyrics themselves look good so far.

~Hai-Bye-Vine~

 

[Zakyath]

Thanks for the comment.

Should I "dumb it down" a little? At least change one or two of the words to a more common one?

All comments are welcome. ESPECIALLY from those who don't like the lyrics, I will never improve them by knowing that they are "good" even though it's nice to hear =)

 

[GooS]

Well, they look nice and all that, but without knowing what genre etc. I can't really say. So gonna go through a couple to say what I think fits.

Pop - No
Rap - No
Soft-Rock - Feeling is right but should dumb it down a bit
Metal Heavy/Death - No for heavy / Death Metal could work with it, depends on how it's presented. (I really read it as a soft song by Stone Sour)
Could also ork as Chamber Pop / Dark Cabaret

 

[Zakyath]

I don't know what genre it is really, maybe you can tell me?

http://www.zshare.net/audio/8322203531e30930/

Just the first arr, going to re-record the guitars and bass with a better microphone, then add the vocals. And I'll probably change my mind about something and rewrite it. The verse is when the undisted guitars come in and the chorus when the distorted guitars come in. I'll be working on making trying to make the lyrics a little bit simpler.

 

[GooS]

Sounds like progressive metal something, it sounds great!
After reading the lyrics again I really wanted to hear a great singer such as James Keenan come in with his sweet vocals.

Though there is something in the chorus I don't like, I think it is the background undisted guitars, sounds so.. regular college rock for an otherwise so special song.
I would also, If I were to decide, like the hear, hmm, a heavier bass in the chorus, kindof linked to the first complaint, wanna hear more bass over that guitar.

tl;dr I am now one of your groupies O.=

 

[Zakyath]

Sounds like progressive metal something, it sounds great!
After reading the lyrics again I really wanted to hear a great singer such as James Keenan come in with his sweet vocals.

Though there is something in the chorus I don't like, I think it is the background undisted guitars, sounds so.. regular college rock for an otherwise so special song.
I would also, If I were to decide, like the hear, hmm, a heavier bass in the chorus, kindof linked to the first complaint, wanna hear more bass over that guitar.

tl;dr I am now one of your groupies O.=

Both guitars have dist in the chorus there'll probably be a stronger bass in the chorus, that'll come with the mixing when everything else is recorded and done =) though I think the guitars will end up even more crunchier...

I guess the vocals won't be what you expect, more like Andrew Eldritch (Sisters of Mercy) och Carl McCoy (Fields of the Nephilim)

Your comment and feedback is very appreciated!

 

[thewrongvine]

No need to dumb it down, should be whatever comes out of you. Unless you have an audience that you think would understand the song better if it was more simple. But lyrics don't have to be all clear, they can take time to feel.

~Hai-Bye-Vine~

 

[GooS]

Both guitars have dist in the chorus

I'm not the most knowledgable when it comes to the making of music hope you got what I meant though!

I guess the vocals won't be what you expect, more like Andrew Eldritch (Sisters of Mercy) och Carl McCoy (Fields of the Nephilim)

Didn't expect that one, Will be fun to hear

 

[Zakyath]

>No need to dumb it down, should be whatever comes out of you. Unless you have an audience that you think would understand the song better if it was more simple. But lyrics don't have to be all clear, they can take time to feel.

There's quite a difference in understanding the lyrics and understanding the language

>I'm not the most knowledgable when it comes to the making of music hope you got what I meant though!

Not really

>Didn't expect that one, Will be fun to hear

Yeah, I can't promise it will be a pleasant surprise though

 

[thewrongvine]

Yeah, but you need to understand the language before you can understand the lyrics,

~Hai-Bye-Vine~

 

[Zakyath]

I managed to get through another verse and managed to get my point through all the way without letting go of what got me to write this song and not expanding the subject of it (which is really rare for me to manage )

Not sure if the quality of the lyrics are even enough throughout the song. Your opinions?

I find myself taking a shot again,
For an evanescent nostrum to obliterate the anguish.
Though the exultation is volatile,
It’s the only way I know to submit,
When the sun seems as it’s lost its shine.

As if god had set his mind to rid this world of sin again,
I can feel the flood rushing in, washing away all that I’ve ever been.

I find myself in a labyrinthine haze,
A web I can't unravel nor fully comprehend.
At the source of the sea I might find my nemesis,
He who makes the water flow,
The reason I find myself in this maelstrom.

As if god had set his mind to rid this world of sin again,
I can feel the flood rushing in, washing away all that I’ve ever been.