Nice, I like it.
Some minor grammar errors, and general things I'd say is to vary your vocabulary (like you use "illuminated 3 or 4 times in this first page, maybe say 'light up' or something) and keep your tenses right, you sometimes switched from past to present, etc.
Anyways, it's great and suspenseful. The ending there was good, like a lose-win-lose-win thing o.o :thup:
I'm on a page about incorrect corrections, and spent the better part of like two hours trying to get someone to understand that -5^2 = -25, not 25, and then that post had comments get reposted because that group is self sustaining, and that person was in turn trying to explain what I just explained to them. And I'm taking that as a victory